In the great debate over which part of the Oreo is superior—it’s the cream, no contest here—some of the world’s brightest engineers have flooded YouTube with videos showcasing their complex machinery that make the effortless task of splitting the cookie in half easier than ever. But beneath the contraptions’ charm is the sad truth that we as a species are only getting lazier, requiring the aid of doodads to complete even the most mundane and trivial of chores. Check out these other machines performing simple tasks before the prospect of scrolling down the page becomes too burdensome without mechanical assistance.
1) Robotic Sushi and Pastry Transporter
Have you ever tried to transport sushi or pastries from one end of the table to the other? It’s fine the first five minutes or so before they start to feel like lead weights, draining your vitality in an instant. In an effort to relieve overworked sushi chefs and bakers of torn muscles, robotic engineers from Japan have introduced this terrifying mechanized severed-hand-nightmare-maker that specializes in the conveyance of small food items and pushing people down to the very bottom of the uncanny valley. Thanks, science, for making dining out more uncomfortable than it should be!
This is Automato: the ketchup-dispensing robot that its designers apparently saw fit to be built with rotating green biceps. Its intended function is to administer a desirable stream of the tomatoey condiment on burgers and the like, but Automato's artificial intelligence has clearly overridden this programming and now doesn’t quite grasp the meaning of “I only want a little bit of ketchup.” Working alongside Automato is its diminutive and energetic junior counterpart, who seriously needs to learn how to contain its excitement.
3) Mechanical Wine Bottle Opener
Steampunk fans, feast your eyes upon the wine bottle opener that mainlines straight into your Industrial Revolution-centric obsession! All it takes is the consistent and exhaustive turning of a crank to have the superfluous machine uncork the wine bottle. Ready to serve? Hardly. The machine’s weight-driven mechanism then, oh so slowly, takes over, carrying the bottle over to an awaiting wine glass at a pace only a snail would say is too fast. It’s loud and clunky to be sure, but it makes a wonderful conversation piece for any intellectual gathering—provided guests are patient enough to wait for their beverage. Although at that point they’d might just want a stiffer drink.
4) Page Turning Machine
The page turning machine is what is: A device designed specifically for turning the pages of your favorite news periodical painstakingly slow, testing nerves and reducing the potential for harmful paper cuts by 100% (that's the leading cause of death in America, y'know). And since it’s a piece of near-space age technology built exclusively for use with an information medium close to being rendered obsolete, that means it runs entirely on bitter irony and is, by extension, self-sustaining. Here's to a cleaner and greener tomorrow!
5) Skittles Sorting Machine
“What,” you are asking yourself, “would possibly ever necessitate the need for a machine made for something as frivolous as sorting Skittles by color?” To be fair, not many as sheer boredom and bizarre fraternity/sorority initiation requirements spring to mind, but if such events were to arise, you’ll be glad to own this marvel in candy-sorting engineering. As it stands, it appears that the Skittle sorter can only organize said confection, as M&Ms would likely cause it to short circuit... and singe your eyebrows—and you can't live without those!
Would you want to own any of these machines?