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5 Super Ironic News Stories

5 Super Ironic News Stories

By Beth Mishler

Sometimes, Masterminds, life truly IS stranger than fiction. To add a little heft to this already familiar assertion, we’ve compiled some all too true stories straight from the nightly news that serve as concrete examples of literal irony. We’re not masquerading as The Onion—these things for reals actually happened. Recently. Hilariously. Did you hear about:

1. The dudes who got banned from an all-you-can-eat buffet for eating too much?!

We think this must happen all the time, but when it happens in England, it just seems funnier. Apparently, the term ‘all-you-can-eat’ means something different overseas, cause two blokes were banned for life from a Mongolian buffet for doing just that. The restaurant manager said later that he had put up with these overzealous munchers for over two years, and finally had enough. In the gobblers’ defense, they noted that the serving bowls at the restaurant were wee-tiny, and the joint did advertise delicious food served “as many times as you wish.”

The lesson here? Portion size matters.

2. The man at a Stress Ball plant who got waaaaaaay beyond stressed?

It’s safe to say that a fellow working at a Stress Ball factory got more than a little upset recently. In fact, dude got downright violent. After being let go from his job, he went postal and punched his boss in the face before pulling out two knives and threatening to cut up a few fellow employees. He took off and was thankfully apprehended later.

The lesson here is simple: always test the products you produce. If they aren’t copasetic with you, you might wanna try a new trade!

3. The man suing for ageism who felt his judge was too old?

A not-at-all-hypocritical violinist suing a music competition for age discrimination then decided his judge was too old to try the case. The violinist, a man named Martin Stoner, 60, got furious when a judge dismissed his lawsuit in which he complained of getting rejected for a music competition that was meant for 20-year-olds. After his American Idol-esque dream was shattered, Stoner got all harsh and judgmental, calling the 88-year-old judge “slow-witted and unable to function,” and also said the adjudicator could “barely see.” Woah!

Is there a lesson here? Well, considering Stoner actually got a tryout for the music competish and bombed, it seems obvious: stay away from music competitions.

4. The newswoman who fell into a frozen lake—while doing a feature on ice safety?!

As many peeps who live in states with polar-esque winters can attest, the elements can get hardcore and sometimes, downright scary. So you’d think a news crew filming a piece on ice/winter safety wouldn’t literally fall though the ice into a lake while in the process of filming. But, yeah, that happened. Apparently, the news anchor thought she was on a road, but really, had driven onto a frozen channel, in which she sank her news van. Fortunately, she was OK.

The lesson here is again quite obvious: if you’re not sure whether you’re driving on a road or frozen lake, just drive a van around for awhile. You’ll find out eventually.

5. Prisoners rewarded for picking locks while in jail?

Last year, a jail in Atlanta enlisted its finest thieves to test out its new cell door locks. Offering the inmates who were successful at compromising the locks “free food and personal hygiene items from the commissary,” the prison, which has a history of prisoners escaping, stands by this alternative strategy as a good one.

Final lesson: it’s beneficial to enlist the assistance of experts!

What other crazy/dumb/funny/ironic news items have you heard about?

Tags: news, life, surprises, dan berrgstein, all you can eat

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About the Author
Beth Mishler

Beth Mishler is a writer, producer, and pop culture connoisseur who has a weakness for the Whedonverse and all things sci-fi. Originally from Madison, Wisconsin, Beth currently lives in The Plains, Ohio, where she freelances, makes documentaries, and watches a kazillion hours of TV per week while anxiously awaiting the release of George R.R. Martin's next novel.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.