The glorious Iron Man 3 Trailer recently hit the interwebz to great fanfare, eliciting enough drool from its legions of geek-fans to turn the Sahara into a beach resort. Out of all of its thrilling sights (there's about a billion) it's most mind-blowing moment, hands down, comes just at the end, when Tony Stark and sidekick James Rhodes are besieged by an army of Iron Men, each with their own unique looks and abilities. Well, the question on everyone's mind is: who are these bots and just what unique talents do they possess? The truth is, we have no idea, but fortunately we have attained a super-special and extremely real list of the Iron clones that didn't make the cut. Are you ready to have your mind blown out of your skull and back into it again? If so, read on!
1. The HT 1000
The HT 1000 was an experimental prototype developed by Stark Industries to infiltrate enemy lines undetected, and release devastating sonic waves that would render all technology within a four block radius useless. Unfortunately, it never worked right, so they instead put it to use at the Stark Industries cafeteria, where its microwave emitting hand blasters can nuke TV Dinners and Hot Pockets up in nothing flat.
2. The Excelsior X-57
The Excelsior 7 is the cutting edge state of the art robo-suit capable of making crystal clear long-distance calls, and sending unlimited text messages for under five ninety nine a month. Other features? It's got call waiting, a 32 Megapixel pin-hole camera, a customizable ring, and Tetris!
3. The T-Howard Eliminator
The T-Howard Eliminator was a powerful suit created between the time of Iron Man One and Iron Man Two in order to keep actor Terrence Howard off the set after his role was handed over to Don Cheadle. Its special abilities include complimenting Terrence Howard on his performance in Hustle and Flow in order to make him more amenable to leaving, and reminding him of the restraining order filed against him by Cheadle.
4. Iron DJ-5000
Iron DJ-5000 is an Iron Man, Disc Jockey, and sound system all rolled up in one. He includes a compact disc tray capable of storing over five CDs at a time, and a handy USB drive that can handle over 200 megabytes of music! Iron Clone DJ-5000 is available for birthdays, weddings, Bar-Mitzvahs, and you name it!
5. The Iron L-Z-8900 Salad Shooter
The L-Z-8900 is actually just a Presto Salad Shooter, but it comes with over a dozen easily washable, stainless-steel blades that would probably hurt somebody if you attacked them with it!
6. Casey Casem Bot-35000
The Casey Casem Bot-35000 was made exclusively for doing impressions of long since forgotten radio personality and voiceover artist Casey Casem. If you have no idea who Casey Casem is, don't worry! It also has the ability to explain who he is and criticize you for not knowing!
7. Iron Furby
The Furby 85000 has all the functions of the top selling children's toy, plus the ability to shoot steel melting plasma lasers through its eye holes when tickled.
8. The T-500 ONE-D Destructor
Destroys any speaker system playing One Direction within a one mile radius.
9. Iron I-phone COZY-X
An Iron Man sized cozy for your iPhone (purely ornamental, does not have functions of Iron Clone Excelsior 7)
10. Iron Orville Redenbacher POP-O-MATIC
Perfectly popped popcorn every time, with virtually NO un-popped kernals!
11. GX Ben Kingsley is Awesominator 2000
Basically just hangs out and talks about how awesome it is that Ben Kingsley was cast as the villain in Iron Man 3.
12. The 8-YG Depardieu Would Have Been Good Too Alsoinator
A companion for the GX Ben Kingsley is Awesominator 2000 that counters all its Kingsley remarks with musings about how French actor Gerard Depardieu would also have been good in the role.
13. Iron X-BOX 2001
A commemorative reissue of the original X-Box shaped in convenient Iron-Man form.
14. LXZ-7 This List Is Over Nowinator
Politely lets me know that this list has come to an end. Thanks, Mr. List Is Over Nowinator!
What kind of Iron Man do YOU want to see in Iron Man 3?