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The 25 Signs of the Nerd-Pocalypse

The 25 Signs of the Nerd-Pocalypse

By Janet Manley

Doomsday prophecies are a dime a dozen these days. 1p/Halley has been on its way back out to space since 1986, when it didn't crash to Earth ending all life, the Mayans were wrong about a planetary meltdown in 2012, and Bieber lost his monkey but got his shirt back last week. Still, there are no guarantees. Reap your patronuses while ye can, we always say at The MindHut, because you never know which act of photosynthesis will be your nerdy last. Are there tell-tales to look out for ahead of the Nerd-pocalpyse? Why yes! Read on for signs that we are approaching geek singularity.

  1. The entire population has agreed on a uniform, and that uniform is a fair isle sweater.
  2. Flying cars have been invented, and driver's ed includes instruction on how to form feet and legs, arms and body, and the head.
  3. Your grandma uses a walker, by which we mean she has cut the arms and jaw out of a zombie to use it as a pet.
  4. Someone found the third helix.
  5. People IM in chemistry jargon. (The correct show of solidarity after a friend is "burned" is: "She said what? Aw, HCl!")
  6. Johnny Cash no longer walks the line, he walks the hypotenuse.
  7. The New York Times is a comic book about urban time travel.
  8. We have run out of helium, and there will be no more Chipmunks albums.
  9. You go to prom, only to find your friend wore the same blue scales.
  10. Taylor Swift has been crowned Miss Multiverse.
  11. It is time to set sail to the Undying Lands.
  12. You have solved Rubik's Cube.
  13. You ate the fractal.
  14. Your dragon babies have flown the nest.
  15. The world is all stop and no motion.
  16. The trash compactor is out of lead pipe.
  17. Someone went an invented a microchip that will ruin the world. Good one, dude.
  18. The CPU has reached maximum capacity.
  19. The epoch of the space bags has begun: beneath beds and high in closets, they are reinflating, sucking our world from us.
  20. Dexter's lab has lost its federal grant.
  21. Fan fiction has become fan FACT.
  22. The Supreme Court overturned the First Amendment in favor of True Speech.
  23. An intergalactic highway is going right through our backyard.
  24. It's your Quarter Quell.
  25. Everything is pixelated.
Tags: nerds, lists, the apocalypse, life

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About the Author
Janet Manley

Janet's desk was moved into the hall for the duration of coursework on Roman numerals in grade four, and she cannot tell one Rocky from another to this day. Her spirit animal is a wombat, and she has not written a novel. Dauntless, Gryffindor, Mockingjay. She tweets @janetmanley

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.