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Geek Identification Field Guide: Part Two

Geek Identification Field Guide: Part Two

By Robert Punchur

Last month, we posted a helpful field guide for identifying different subgenres of geeks in the wild. It was pointed out in our comment section, however, that we had merely scratched the surface of the species. Geeks are a glorious and plentiful breed of people. They have a multitude of outlets through which they express their innate geekiness. And, as we learned, they are a people who get upset when their obsession is overlooked. So to make up for accidental exclusion of certain geeks, The Mindhut now presents a peace offering of The Geek Survival Guide: Part II.

Subgenre Eight: Potterheads
Physical Attributes: Glasses (but not always real ones) Also, a lightning bolt scar (but very rarely a real one)
Powers: Tree limbs turned into wands that can totally actually cast real spells! Trust me, it’ll work eventually… you’ll see.
Weaknesses: For some reason, owls can’t find their home address. Also, they fear that name… you know the one.
Catch Phrases: “You’re a wizard, self.” And “Expelliarmus” (when angered).
How to Win Them Over: Amortentia or massive amounts of Butterbeer

Subgenre Nine: Bronies
Physical Attributes: My Little Pony snapbacks and sleeveless tees. Lots of bright colors, but in a totally cool way.
Powers: Able to find the joy in anything and self-confident enough to promote it
Weaknesses: No love will ever match their love for MLP
Catch Phrases: “Welcome to the herd!” and “You don’t even know Rainbow Dash? Total facehoof!”
How to win them over: With an original season one Pinkie Pie ACTION FIGURE (not doll).

Subgenre Ten: Hipsters
Physical Attributes: Thin with short hair and silly hats (both male and female).
Powers: Judging by their wizard caps and top hats, we’d guess magic… but it turns out that’s just fashion?
Weaknesses: SOOOO many.
Catch Phrases: “Andy Warhol is my favorite soup maker.” And “I was uncool before being uncool was cool.”
How to win them over: Ironically instagram irony.

Subgenre Eleven: Tolkeinites
Physical Attributes: Could be small and redheaded, could be fair-skinned and blonde, or could be a talking tree. They’re a variable bunch.
Powers: Invisibility… as soon as one of these gumball machine rings proves to be “The One.”
Weaknesses: Uncontrollable rage at minute changes from the original text to the screen version.
Catch Phrases: “Let me quiz you on the ancestry of the dwarves… YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
How to Win Them Over: With an unnecessarily long and epic journey.

Subgenre Twelve: Gamers
Physical Attributes: Bulging thumb and forearm muscles but not much anywhere else.
Powers: Up, Right, Left, Left, Down, X, Square.
Weaknesses: Power outages.
Catch Phrases: Terrible vulgar threats shouted through a voice modulator from the safety of their mother’s basement.
How to Win Them Over: Cheat codes and glitches… and then if that doesn’t work, just restart from the latest checkpoint.

Subgenre Thirteen: Whovians
(TAKEN DIRECTLY FROM MASTERMIND COMMENTER GFORCEJEDI)
Physical Attributes: Many faces, but still not ginger.
Powers: Intelligence. Sonic Screwdrivers. Freaking time travel. 'nuff said.
Weaknesses: Broken clocks, children in gas masks, statues, multiple light sources, blackouts, tally marks, pears, Moffat.
Catchphrases: “FANTASTIC! ALLONS-Y! GERONIMO!!”
How to win them over: Those 3 words, "I'm the Doctor.”

What subgenre of geek do you belong to?

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About the Author
Robert Punchur

Robert Punchur is a comedian, writer, and neat guy based out of NYC, America. You can do liking of his Facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/RobertPunchurComedy

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.