With Earth Day right around the corner (April 22nd) we decided to take a look at how the other planets in the solar system celebrate their day:
Mercury Day is celebrated by cracking eggs on sidewalks and resting raw cookie dough on shelves 'CAUSE IT IS FRIKKIN' HOT ON MERCURY. As the planet closest to the sun, the temperature reaches 800ºF. When tanning, Mercurians laugh at the notion of a healthy shade of orange obtaining, instead, a healthy shade of burnt toast.
Venus Day is marked with an annual parade of Venus Fly Traps, Venus Williams, and Venus de Milos—the armless statue sculpted by artist Alexandros in Ancient Greece. Due to thick clouds and a suffocating blanket of carbon dioxide around the planet, the festivities only last about two minutes because that is how long everyone can hold their breath.
Martians have been known to celebrate Mars Day by embracing the cartoonish caricature that Earthlings attributed the Red Planet. A gigantic portrait of Marvin the Martian takes center stage as costumed green men dance and perform a musical version of "Mars Attacks!" featuring songs like "Ack Ack Means I Love You" and "Laser Beam Team."
Jupiter is the largest planet in the Solar System, hence Jupiter Day is the largest party in the Solar System. This year, there are rumors all the other planets will join Jupiter in a ceremony to introduce a new sandwich at "Hot Soupiter"—the largest (and most delicious) fast food chain in the entire galaxy.
Saturn Day is more commonly referred to as "The Festival of the Rings" as a nod to the nine continuous rings that encircle the planet. The King and Queen shower the Saturnese with rings while music and light shows in the sky take place. The lucky citizen who catches the ring made entirely of cosmic bacon gets to accompany The Royal Couple to a banquet where they are presented with a brand new Saturn to drive home (satellite radio not included).
It had been decided long ago not to celebrate a Uranus Day. Citizens of the planet feel they are made fun of enough. They do not want to attract any more negative or humiliating publicity.
Entirely opposite of Mercury, IT IS FRIKKIN' COLD ON NEPTUNE with temperatures dipping to a frigid -360ºF. As a result, on Neptune Day all Neptunians are admitted into ice parks free of charge. There, they are free to ride the Ice Coasters, skate around the enclosed Ice Spheres, and roam around the zoo where all the Blizz-imals reside.
(Sorry Pluto, you are no longer a planet. You don't have your own day. Maybe next year…)