There are two different ways we can approach this subject. The first would be with a bunch of crappy puns. But that idea stinks and you can wipe it from your mind right now! This is a blog for an intelligent audience and we’re NOT going to clog it up with that type of toilet talk! Instead, we’re using the sophisticated angle: approach number two. We are going to plop out some facts about feces that you probably didn’t know before and you definitely won't be able to unlearn after reading. So sit back, courtesy flush, and enjoy 12 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT POO!
1. The Bristol Stool Scale is a medical chart created for scienti-fecally measuring the various types of human poos. Stools may range from 1 (constipation) to 7 (diharrea), but ultimately, they are all still number 2s.
2. Indonesian Kopi Luwak coffee beans are the most expensive in the world. They can sell for as much as $3,000 per pound and are described as tasting “nutty and chocolaty.” But this isn’t an article about coffee. It’s an article about poo. And if you haven’t guessed it yet, these expensive beans are exclusively harvested from the poop of a native weasel-type animal called the Asian palm civet. Cup o' java, anyone?
3. The world’s most expensive tealeaves are fertilized with panda poop, which, due to the herbivore’s healthy diet, is rich in vitamins and minerals. Currently, a cup of the tea sells for $200 and the price is continuously going up as pandas come closer to exSTINKtion.
4. The average turd is approximately 75% water. Meanwhile, Chris Brown is approximately 95% turd.
5. Many predators of the caterpillar locate their prey via the smell of its poo. In an attempt to avoid this and protect their selves, caterpillars have learned to fling excrement up to three feet. This is especially impressive considering the average caterpillar is less than an inch long!
6. Also, it’s not just a rumor; monkeys literally throw their poo! That s*** is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
7. Another rumor proven true is that when some people die, they defecate. This isn’t always the case (it only happens about ten percent of the time) but when it does occur, it is a result of the body shutting down, causing the sphincter muscle to relax and release anything left in the bowels. Which means that, in a weird way, dying from constipation must actually be quite a relief.
8. During World War II, German tank operators would drive over camel dung for good luck. When the British learned this, they created bombs that looked like turds. Now THAT’S an explosive poo!
9. The Japanese children’s book, Everybody Poops, was originally written in 1977. Since then, it has sold hundreds of thousands of copies each year in English, Thai, and Spanish versions. There are also rumors that it could be Hollywood’s next big film adaptation.
10. The average human poops two pounds a day, meaning, over the course of ten years, in London you’d be rich.
11. The world’s longest recorded human poop was 26 feet. Now, if you'll excuse us, we need to take a long shower.
What else do you know about duty?