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Fake Interview with Jabba the Hutt

Fake Interview with Jabba the Hutt

By Anthony DeVito

Ever wonder what it would be like to conduct a fake interview with a fictional character? Hopefully, yes. This week I sit down with Jabba the Hutt from the Star Wars films and ask him the tough questions.

The late film critic Roger Ebert once described you as “Dickensian, a cross between a toad and the Cheshire Cat.” How would you respond to such criticism of your physical appearance?

That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Is it safe to say Princess Leia is “the one who got away?”

Haha, that’s funny. Literally, yes, Leia was the one who got away. But, the actual “one who got away” wasn’t a person at all, it was a sandwich. Once, I fell in love with a sandwich. Then, I dropped it on the ground.

What’s your favorite part about living on Tatooine?

The springtime is surprisingly mild. Its my favorite season. I love to relax and spend the day just thinking about my empire. If I’m up for it, I’ll head down to the pit, pet my “Rancoor.” I usually end the night with a tall glass of blue drink and stare into the two moons. Sometimes when I'm lonely I pretend they’re boobs.

What’s your least favorite part about living on Tatooine?

I would have to say getting sand in my skin folds. It’s not easy to wash out. You’d be surprised how many luffas I go through in a week.

So, you’re approximately 600 years old. Any signs of slowing down?

Absolutely. I used to be much more active. Nowadays, if I even think about going for a jog my back starts hurting. I don’t know if it’s old age? Or, it just has something to do with my incredible weight problem. Who knows? I’m not a doctor, just a vile slumlord.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen on Mos Eisley?

I once saw Greedo twerk.

In one word, describe your relationship with Han Solo?

Complicated.

Through your lens, tell me about what happened that day at the “Great Pit of Carkoon.”

That’s the question I get most often. Well, second question. Usually, it’s “How much do you actually weigh?” Anyway, the moral of the story is never underestimate a Jedi. Everything seemed under control, not a cloud in the sky, a beautiful day for an execution. Then, Skywalker just took over and, in the end, one Jedi is worth more than ten men. Then, Leia with the chain and Han getting away. It was a lot for one afternoon. I was none too pleased. You definitely didn’t want to be around me that night. Well, most nights you don’t want to be around me. I’ve been told I have a “particular odor.”

Tags: star wars, jabba the hutt, fake interviews

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