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Fake Interview with Wolverine

Fake Interview with Wolverine

Ever wonder what it would be like to conduct a fake interview with a fictional character? Hopefully, you do. This week I sit down with Wolverine from the X Men and ask him the tough questions.

So, you were born in Alberta, Canada. As a Canadian citizen you’re entitled to free healthcare. Have you taken advantage of that system to cover your medical concerns?

No. It doesn’t cover, as they call it, “adamantium related issues.” It’s kind of a gip if you ask me, Bub.

Growing up, you actually had a brother named “Dog.” Does it strike you as ironic you would grow up and be known as a man named “Wolverine?”

I don’t know if it’s so much ironic as it’s I’m a product of a series of cruel medical experiments which have turned me into more of an animal than a man. And, also at one point I was literally raised by wolves. Kind of a silly question if you ask me, Bub.

Let’s shift gears and play kiss, marry, kill. Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Magneto?

Easy, I'd kiss Jean, marry Jean, and kill Cyclops. Good question, Bub. Let’s do another one.

Okay. How about Storm, Whoopi Goldberg, and Hilary Clinton?

Tough one. I'd kiss Storm, marry Hilary, and kill Cyclops.

I didn't say Cyclops.

Doesn't matter, Bub. These are fun. Got any more games?

Sure, if you could go back in time and have dinner with one person who would it be?

I'd try and plead with Mr. or Mrs. Summers to not have a child named Scott.

I see what you're doing, let's just move on. You've fought alongside Captain America several times, can you go into more into detail about the nature of your friendship?

The Cap is a stand up guy, a good man and a better soldier. Unlike other so-called superheroes who have vision problems and no business being with a woman like Jean! Just speaking in generalities, Bub.

Right. A little0known fact about your mutation is you're constantly mutating, and the addition of "adamantium" actually stunts that process?

And a little known fact about Cyclops is he's impotent. True story, Bub. He takes special pills.

That's probably not true.

Sure it is, Bub.

Why do you call people "Bub?"

I don't know, Bub.

Instead of babes, do you call attractive women "Bubs?"

I don't call them either one of those things. I just call them your moter, Bub.

That was unnecessary. But, speaking of women, you've been linked to many females throughout your life. Care to comment about the nature of your relationship with Squirrel Girl?

I don't like to kiss and tell. But, I do kiss her better than Scott has ever kissed a woman. Unless that woman is your mother.

I get you're trying to make a "your mother" joke, but that didn't make sense.

Your mother doesn't make sense.

I think we're done.

That's what your mother said after lunch.

Did you just hear a bunch of "your mother" jokes and you don't know what they mean?

Your mother is mean.

My mother is a nice woman.

That's what your mother said after lunch.

She called herself a nice woman!

You're a nice woman.

:/

Tags: comics, books-and-comics, wolverine, fake interviews

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About the Author
Anthony DeVito

Anthony DeVito is a NYC based comic. Originally from New Jersey, he was featured as one of the "New Faces" at the 2012 Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, recently taped a Gotham Comedy Live on AXS TV, performed at the 2013 Bridgetown Comedy Festival and 2013 SF Sketchfest, and is also the former host of "Say What?!" on the NOC TV. You can follow him on Twitter @anthonydevito_

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.