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A Fake Interview With Batman

A Fake Interview With Batman

Ever wonder what it’d be like to conduct a fake interview with a fictional character? Hopefully, you do. This week we sat down with Batman and asked him the tough questions.

So, when you’re father, Jor-El, took you from your planet Krypton, am I pronouncing it right? Is it a “hard K” or a “C”? Anyway, when you landed on Earth and realized you weren’t like the other kids in Kansas, what words would you use to describe that moment?
Confused. Mainly, because I’m Batman and not Superman. You’re talking about another person, that’s the origin story of Superman. He’s an alien from the planet Krypton, born with tremendous powers.

Oh, I grabbed the wrong sheet of paper. Just kidding! I know you’re not Superman. I was just playing mind games. The same way you often use superior intelligence and cunning strategy instead of laser eyes. Why don’t you just use your laser eyes?
I DON’T HAVE LASER EYES, THAT’S WHY! I just have my brain and my fists.

What about your legs? Do they not work?
Yeah, my legs too. What I mean is I don’t have superpowers.

That’s too bad, so what do you do when fighting against someone with superpowers?
I have to outsmart them. For example, I don’t go into Metropolis without a “Kryptonite Ring.” You have to be one step ahead of your enemy and know their weakness.

What about two steps? Or, three steps? Isn’t that better?
What is this?

This is an interview. You mentioned knowing your opponent’s weakness, what is your greatest weakness? And, don’t say chocolate.
Well, if you think about it, your greatest weakness is actually your greatest strength. For example, if your enemy thinks he or she knows where to attack, they become predictable. And, you can exploit that predictability. Also, chocolate.

Me too. I love a good candy bar. There’s been a lot of flack about Ben Affleck portraying you in the upcoming sequel to the Superman movie, Man of Steel. Care to share your thoughts on the subject?
I liked him in Daredevil. Also, just the other day, for the first time, I saw Good Will Hunting and he’s incredible in it. There’s no problem on my end.

How about that Charlize Theron?
I don’t understand what that has to do with anything.

I’m just saying, she’s attractive.

Now, not a lot of people aren’t aware of this fact. But, you’re a master of disguise. And, when gathering information, you’ll operate under the name of a notorious gangster, Matches Malone.
Do you have a question to go with this or is that just something about ME that for some reason you wanted to tell ME?

I’m not sure. I just think Matches Malone is a funny name.
Look at that. It’s the bat signal. I gotta go.

I don’t see anything.
No, it’s there. Right out the window.

There’s a not a cloud in the sky and it’s the middle of the day. You wouldn’t even be able to see it if it was there.
Well, I have a doctor’s appointment.

Really? I don’t believe you. What’s the name of your doctor?
Doctor Johnson.

Well, I guess you do have a superpower after all: lying.

Who do you want to see us interview?

Tags: movies, batman, interviews, the dark knight, books-and-comics, dc entertainment, fake interviews

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About the Author
Anthony DeVito

Anthony DeVito is a NYC based comic. Originally from New Jersey, he was featured as one of the "New Faces" at the 2012 Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, recently taped a Gotham Comedy Live on AXS TV, performed at the 2013 Bridgetown Comedy Festival and 2013 SF Sketchfest, and is also the former host of "Say What?!" on the NOC TV. You can follow him on Twitter @anthonydevito_

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