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An Apocalypse Survival Guide

An Apocalypse Survival Guide

By Tim Butcher

If there’s one thing that sci-fi has taught us, it’s that the apocalypse is coming. It’s inevitable. It might be zombies, it might be nuclear war, it might be mass male infertility, it might be a contagious killer virus, it might be anything, but it’s happening. And so, as any self-respecting sci-fi fan knows, you need to have a survival strategy. You need to know what to do when society finally crumbles and we’re all left looting branches of Wal-mart for non-perishable food and barricading ourselves into basements. What’s that? You don’t have one? Well, fear not. We, the paranoids minds at Mindhut, have put one together for you.

Zombies

 

This is the big one (and, let’s be honest, the most awesome). And while it’s easy to say "hey, they’re zombies, they can’t even run—would this even be that much of a problem?", be wary friends; complacency in the face of an undead apocalypse is the fastest way to end up zombie-chow. These suckers are going to outnumber you, flank you, and, if movies are to be believed, randomly burst through doors that you thought were secured. Our advice is this: head to the country. Utah. Wyoming. Nebraska. Anywhere with low population density. No people? No zombies. And the ones that do manage to trek out your way having chomped down every semi-edible thing available to them elsewhere?  They aren’t going to be too difficult to deal with. Either post a sharpshooter on top of a barn, or just dig a moat around your camp. That said, remember to empty the moat of snagged-zombies once in a while, or they’re just going to end up building a bridge out of their own groaning bodies.

Nukes

 

This one is the most likely in reality. While many other apocalypse scenarios are pretty hard to see actually happening, the world has been on the brink of nuclear war at certain points in the past—and could well be again at some point in the future. Cheery thought, right? So, what to do? The only option, really, is to go underground. Quite literally. Get yourself a bunker, fill it with canned goods and dehydrated food and set your alarm clock to 2045. And just pray that, when you finally do emerge, the mutants that have taken over the earth decide to keep you as a pet instead of sticking you on a bonfire.

Crazies

 

Often confused with zombies, a crazy apocalypse is distinct and dangerous in a couple of key ways. One: crazies can think. And two: crazies can run. We don’t know about you guys, but we’d much rather have to deal with the shuffling cadavers that Rick and co have learnt to dispatch with such ease in The Walking Dead than the screeching, sprinting freaks causing mayhem in films like The Crazies and 28 Days Later. What should you do to avoid them? Well, admittedly, the zombie solution does still hold up: head to the hills. But beyond that? Turn off the lights and try to eat quietly.

Killer Virus

 

This one’s a toughie. How do you avoid something that you can’t see? How do you fight something that attacks you from the inside? Well, once again, movies provide us with an answer. It’ll only be a matter of time before it turns out that someone—more than likely an unassuming child—is immune. Your only option is to join a troupe of plucky survivors and help to escourt said child to a rumoured safe-zone, where the mysteries of their immunity can be understood and a vaccine produced. Warning: you may end up having to sacrifice yourself heroically at one point to help clear a path. Sorry, it’s kinda part of the deal.

Aliens

 

Did we say zombies were the most awesome cause of the apocalypse? Okay, it’s a dead heat. Because, while zombies might have their whole biblical-end-of-days thing going on, aliens cause explosions. And lots of them. Also, they have spaceships, lazers and, more often than not, look super weird. They’re wonderful. How to defeat them? Well, actually, that’s where the awesomeness stops. If War of the Worlds is anything to go by, all we have to do is sneeze in their faces and we’ll be ready to go back to work on Monday.

Which apocalypse are you the MOST PSYCHED for?

Tags: zombies, aliens, end of the world, apocalypse, 28 days later, the walking dead, world war z

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