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FIELD GUIDE: How to Live and Thrive Post-Apocalypse

FIELD GUIDE: How to Live and Thrive Post-Apocalypse

By Ashley Brooke Roberts

Woohoo! You survived the apocalypse! You were either immune to a plague, avoided a natural disaster, or were unaffected by heavy amounts of radiation. We are sooo happy for you, but we want you to know that some things have changed. It's not going to be a latte-in-the-morning, three-hours-on-twitter kind of life anymore. No, no my friend. The deli no longer carries your favorite type of bagels and you will never see a movie again. But don't fret, adjusting to your new world won't be so difficult if you have our handy-dandy field guide, How to Live and Thrive Post-Apocalypse. Enjoy and get ready!

  1. Learn to talk to the animals. This is a big one. Sure, you’ll have the classic “post-apocalypse” dog-buddy that every hero has in this dangerous world. But imagine if you could talk to all the animals! You’d be king of your local ghost-city or environmental wasteland before someone could say “I miss nacho cheese.”
  2. Repeat after me “I didn’t like technology anyway, I didn’t like technology anyway.” Do this everyday for a few hours until it starts to become your reality.
  3. Get really good at making rat burgers. Become known throughout the land for your rat burgers. Sure, no one wants to eat rats. But you better not eat the berries! They are somehow radioactive. Everyone knows rats and cockroaches can survive nuclear fallout, they are going to be your main source of protein from here on out. Why not impress your local tribe leader or wondering hermit with a tasty rat burger? You’ll have a friend for life. You know what they say “the way to every post-apocalypse survivor’s black heart is through their stomach.”
  4. Get a rock friend! You’re gonna be alone for a while. Some of you will be lucky enough to have a K9 companion, but for those who don’t, we recommend a rock. You can take him anywhere and he’ll never turn on you. Except for Eric, the Schist Pebble. That jerk.
  5. Live underground. This is soooo important. Build a bunker, dig a hole, anything as long as the entrance isn’t visible. You need a place to hide that’s straight-up not apart of anyone’s field of vision. No houses. No huts. No vans that you power to run on farts and broken glass. Get underground. Who knows when your loyal dog buddy will become unfaithful and hunt you down like a wounded bird? HIDE! Underground.
  6. Make up a cool back story. Now is your chance! Were you a loser in high school? Wimp in college? Well, guess what? Everyone who witnessed those years of your life are now gone! You can be whatever you want. We suggest a steam-boat captain or mountain climber: something that sounds rugged and tough.
  7. Find a twig to chew on. It’ll help your teeth stay somewhat clean and it looks cool.
  8. Learn to meditate. Man. You saw some pretty crazy stuff, huh? You might be suffering from a big old heap of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Good thing Henry the squirrel is a trained psychologist. JK you still haven’t figured out how to talk to animals and you’re pretty sure you are going to trap and eat Henry tonight. You need a release from the stress man! Start meditating, all of our moms are doing it and they swear by the practice.
  9. Try to find the good in the mutants violently roaming the land. Sure, they are destroying every thing in sight, but wouldn’t you if you were a mutant? See if you can find an upside to their existence. Shoot, take it a step further, and see if you can make a friend. We have so much to learn from our differences.
  10. Fire. Find a way to make it, never let it go out.
  11. Become the King of the Cats. Listen, you’re gonna want to learn how to rule ALL the cats. They will do your bidding. Who knows when your faithful dog-buddy will snap? There is a chance he might not remain faithful for the duration of your saga. You need a back up plan, a.k.a. become The Cat King.
  12. Learn to love the strange noises you hear at night. Remember bird chirping? Well that has been replaced with guttural screams and howls. Try to think of it as your own private symphony.
  13. Throw a Plague Party. After all, you survived it and that’s something to celebrate.
  14. Collect all the gang symbols to wear at any given moment. Let’s face it: your central government has dissolved, anarchy has broken loose, and now your terrorized by waring gang-tribes. Better not pick one over another. How do you know which one will be victorious in the next big gang-battle? You don’t. Better play it safe and own every flag, button, or piece of cloth associated with the gangs in your area. That way you can pretend to be in whichever one is closest at any given time.
  15. Have fun! What’s the point of surviving the apocalypse if you’re just going to be a grump about it? Focus on the positive and learn to love your new terrifying, highly hostile world.

Do you have any tips on how to live and thrive post-apocalypse?

Tags: science, end of the world, apocalypse, survival guide

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About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.