What do butts, Louis CK, and penguins have in common?

Why did we ask Dan to share his comedy secrets? Because we're having a fiction contest, and the theme is FUNNY STORIES THAT ARE FUNNY. Check back a little later for more details! —Sparkitors

If you clicked on this post, then you might be a sad writer who creates dark stories about shadows and moths. That’s OK! We can help hone your funny bone. Don’t have a funny bone? Use your funny tooth. (It's located three teeth west of the sweet tooth, and directly above the gravy tooth, near the cosmic tooth.)

The first rule of comedy writing is: There are no rules. The second rule of comedy writing is: Fight Club is real and you should tell all your friends. The third rule is: Just because it’s yellow, that doesn’t mean it’s lemonade.

I like finding grammatical errors, because I'm a jerk. I especially like finding them in articles about princesses and Kate Moss's sparkly wedding gown!

After the jump, check out the opening sentences from this NYMag post, and see if you can spot the problem:

Two words: hubba hubba.

Famed grumpypants V.S. Naipaul, whose novel A Bend in the River makes us violently sleepy, thinks Jane Austen—and all women!—are sentimental ninnies.

He wears wedges. He's a hot dad. He's on the Reality Bites soundtrack.

He's...

"Jennifer Lawrence is blond!" you said. "She can't play Katniss! EVERYTHING IS RUINED!" Not so fast, Sparklekittens.

As someone who feels guilty about everything, including how guilty I'm always feeling, I relate to this Sparkler.

Once upon a time, I was in love with the English language. To be more specific, I was in love with literature—so in love that I have become president of my school's book club as well as an interning assistant for one of our English teachers. It seems, however, that lately the flames of passion for the art of dissecting the written word have died in me.

I want to hear where everyone got into school. Did your first choice accept you? Are you stressing about which school to choose? 

We already know that soon-to-be brunette bombshell Jennifer Lawrence will play Katniss in The Hunger Games movie. And now there's schmexy guy news!