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The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

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“Shucks, and stay fooling around here when we could all be having good times in England whilst we was waiting to find out whether Mary Jane’s got it or not? Why, you talk like a muggins.” “Shoot, and have to stick around here waiting to see if Mary Jane’s caught it or not when we could all be in England having fun? You talk like an idiot.”
“Well, anyway, maybe you’d better tell some of the neighbors.” “Well, anyways, maybe you’d better tell some of the neighbors.”
“Listen at that, now. You do beat all for natural stupidness. Can’t you SEE that THEY’D go and tell? Ther’ ain’t no way but just to not tell anybody at ALL.” “Tell the neighbors? Listen to you talk. You are the most naturally stupid person I’ve ever met. Don’t you UNDERSTAND that THEY’d go and tell? All you can do is not tell anyone at ALL.”
“Well, maybe you’re right—yes, I judge you ARE right.” “Well, maybe you’re right…. Yes, I guess you ARE right.”
“But I reckon we ought to tell Uncle Harvey she’s gone out a while, anyway, so he won’t be uneasy about her?” “Well, I guess we ought to tell Uncle Harvey she’s gone out a while. That way they won’t wonder where she is.”
“Yes, Miss Mary Jane she wanted you to do that. She says, ’Tell them to give Uncle Harvey and William my love and a kiss, and say I’ve run over the river to see Mr.’—Mr.—what IS the name of that rich family your uncle Peter used to think so much of?—I mean the one that—” “Yes, Miss Mary Jane wanted you to tell him. She said, ‘Tell them to give Uncle Harvey and Uncle William my love and a kiss. Tell them I’ve gone across the river to see Mr….’ Mr…. what IS the name of that rich family your uncle Peter used to think so much of? I mean the one that….”
“Why, you must mean the Apthorps, ain’t it?” “Why, you must mean the Apthorps, don’t you?”
“Of course; bother them kind of names, a body can’t ever seem to remember them, half the time, somehow. Yes, she said, say she has run over for to ask the Apthorps to be sure and come to the auction and buy this house, because she allowed her uncle Peter would ruther they had it than anybody else; and she’s going to stick to them till they say they’ll come, and then, if she ain’t too tired, she’s coming home; and if she is, she’ll be home in the morning anyway. She said, don’t say nothing about the Proctors, but only about the Apthorps—which ’ll be perfectly true, because she is going there to speak about their buying the house; I know it, because she told me so herself.” “Of course. Darn those strange names—a guy can’t remember them half the time. Yes, she said, tell them she’s run over to ask the Apthorps to be sure and come to the auction to buy this house. She figured her uncle Peter would prefer they buy it than anyone else. And she going to stay with them and keep pressuring them to come until they DO come. Then, if she isn’t too tired, she’ll come home. But if she is too tired, then she’ll be home in the morning. She didn’t want you to say anything about the Proctors. Just talk about the Apthorps, which will be perfectly true, because she is going over there to talk to them about buying the house. I know this because she told me so herself.”
“All right,” they said, and cleared out to lay for their uncles, and give them the love and the kisses, and tell them the message. “All right,” they said, and they left to wait for their uncles so that they could give them love and kisses and the message.
Everything was all right now. The girls wouldn’t say nothing because they wanted to go to England; and the king and the duke would ruther Mary Jane was off working for the auction than around in reach of Doctor Robinson. I felt very good; I judged I had done it pretty neat—I reckoned Tom Sawyer couldn’t a done it no neater himself. Of course he would a throwed more style into it, but I can’t do that very handy, not being brung up to it. Everything was all right now. The girls wouldn’t say anything because they wanted to go to England. The king and the duke would rather Mary Jane was off preparing things for the auction than around here near Doctor Robinson. I felt pretty good—I figured I had done a good job. In fact, I figured that not even Tom Sawyer could have done a better job. Of course, he would have done it was more style, but I’m not good with that. I wasn’t raised to be stylish.
Well, they held the auction in the public square, along towards the end of the afternoon, and it strung along, and strung along, and the old man he was on hand and looking his level pisonest, up there longside of the auctioneer, and chipping in a little Scripture now and then, or a little goody-goody saying of some kind, and the duke he was around goo-gooing for sympathy all he knowed how, and just spreading himself generly. Well, they held the auction in the town square in the late afternoon and it went on a long time. The king was up there, looking pretty slimy as he stood next to the auctioneer, chipping in every now and then with sayings from the scriptures and other warm fuzzies. The duke went around the whole square goo-gooing with all his might to drum up as much sympathy from potential buyers as he could.
But by and by the thing dragged through, and everything was sold—everything but a little old trifling lot in the graveyard. So they’d got to work that off—I never see such a girafft as the king was for wanting to swallow EVERYTHING. Well, whilst they was at it a steamboat landed, and in about two minutes up comes a crowd a-whooping and yelling and laughing and carrying on, and singing out: Eventually the auction ended and everything had been sold—everything, that is, except a plot in the graveyard. So they kept going until they sold that too. I never saw ANYONE greedier than the king. While they were finishing up, a steamboat landed. In about two minutes, a crowd of people come whooping and yelling and carrying on toward us, crying out:
“HERE’S your opposition line! here’s your two sets o’ heirs to old Peter Wilks—and you pays your money and you takes your choice!” “HERE’s some competition for you! Now, we’ve got two sets of heirs to old Peter Wilks’s fortune! Put down your money and take your pick as to which pair is the real one!”

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