Twelfth Night

by: William Shakespeare

Original Text

Modern Text

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN
SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN enter.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come along with us, Signor Fabian.

FABIAN

Nay, I’ll come. If I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be boiled to death with melancholy.

FABIAN

I’m coming, don’t worry. If I miss this, let me be boiled alive.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Won’t you be glad to see that rascal dog humiliated?

FABIAN

I would exult, man. You know, he brought me out o' favor with my lady about a bear-baiting here.

FABIAN

I’ll be thrilled. You know, he got me in trouble with the lady of the house once when I arranged a bear-baiting here.

SIR TOBY BELCH

To anger him, we’ll have the bear again, and we will fool him black and blue. Shall we not, Sir Andrew?

SIR TOBY BELCH

We’ll have another bear-baiting just to make him angry, and we’ll mock him till he’s black and blue. Won’t we, Sir Andrew?

SIR ANDREW

10An we do not, it is pity of our lives.

SIR ANDREW

If we don’t, it’ll be the biggest disappointment of our lives.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Here comes the little villain.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Here comes the little villain herself.
Enter MARIA
MARIA enters.
How now, my metal of India?
How are you, my golden girl?

MARIA

Get you all three into the boxtree. Malvolio’s coming down this walk. He has been yonder i' the sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half hour. Observe him, for the love of mockery, for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, in the name of jesting!

MARIA

Hide behind the boxwood hedge, all three of you. Malvolio’s coming down the path. He’s been over there practicing how to act for the past half hour. Watch him carefully if you want to have some fun, guys. This letter’s going to turn him into a starry-eyed idiot. Now hide, for God’s sake!