March 15: The Ides of March
I was forced to prevaricate to get a day off school today. I claimed PMS complications, even though mine won’t come until late next week. It’s quite possible that I’m losing my mind.
The only person who still wants to be around me is Jeremy, and I feel so guilty around him, even though I never actually did anything with Luke. But I feel ten times worse about Nikki. She’s right—I can argue facts with her, and on paper I didn’t do anything wrong. But I did lie to her, and I did have some mixed up feelings about the guy she’s been pining after for months now.
But the thing is, she’s the one who sort of pushed us together in the first place, with that whole elaborate tutoring plan. Am I evil for thinking about that? I know I have to stay away from him now—I know best friends come first, and I broke that rule. But I also can’t help feeling like all of this is a little bit her fault. Just a little bit. Because as usual, she pulled me into one of her wacky schemes, and this time it had a little unintended consequence that I really couldn’t prevent.
My horoscope today said, “You are not being honest with your heart.” All I do is mope around in a tragically lackluster fashion, watching bad movies and reading Anna Karenina. I feel more and more like I can relate to Anna’s predicament. The guy she really wants couldn’t be more inconvenient. She’s at odds with the society around her, and she’s bound to lose in the end. I wonder what’ll happen to her.
Mom came up to check on me this afternoon. She called through the door and asked if I wanted to talk. I didn’t. She said she’d feel a lot better if I would let her in. I did. As it turned out, I did want to talk. I told her the whole story, unabridged, from alpha to omega. I even used episodes from Anna Karenina as instructional metaphors so Mom could relate to my dilemma.
“So what’re you going to do?” Mom asked. “Break up with Jeremy and go out with Luke?”
“Stay with Jeremy and do nothing about Luke?”
“Can’t do that either.”
“You’re probably right,” I said. “But I just hope it’s not too late.”