Chapter Seven

Part 4

I moved over to the couch as Ian saw the guys out. Sometimes, when he thinks we’re going to be too rowdy or strident, he walks us to our cars to make sure we keep it down. I had a feeling that tonight it was less about keeping the game a secret from his parents than it was about giving me some time to collect myself. I was grateful for it.

As I sat there, my head hanging, I felt nauseated and trapped. My last vestige of hope was gone. I was dead. I was totally dead. There was no way I could keep my turpitude from my parents anymore. For the past week, every day I got home and checked the mail for the bank statements, my heart in my throat until I went through every last envelope. So far, I had been lucky, but it had to be coming any day now. And when it did, my parents would know everything.

The door to the basement opened, and I sat up straight. First things first. I had to make things right with Ian.

“Dude, I am so sorry,” I said. “I know where I can get the money to pay you back,” I lied. If I knew where I could get money, I’d be getting it for myself so I could reconcile my savings account.

“It’s okay,” Ian said. He seemed tired. Tired and disappointed. “Don’t worry about it.”

“No. That’s not an option,” I told him, standing. “I’m going to pay you back.”

“Oh, I know,” he replied. “I just meant you shouldn’t be sorry. I wouldn’t have lent you the money if I hadn’t wanted to.”

For a moment I just stood there. I felt as if he had slapped me across the face. For that split second I thought he had meant he would eat the loan, and the moment I realized he hadn’t meant that, I felt betrayed. But still, he was right. I borrowed money from him, and I should pay it back.

“Oh. Okay. Good,” I said.

“But listen,” he said, shifting his weight from foot to foot. “I think you need to take a little hiatus from these games. In fact, I think you shouldn’t play again until you’ve paid me back.”

He looked me in the eye, and my mouth suddenly felt desiccated. Was he seriously issuing a mandate here? To me? His best friend? Forget the fact that I was, at this point, basically indigent—that I wouldn’t have had the money to play even if I wanted to. But who was he to tell me what I could and couldn’t do?

“I’m sorry, are you forbidding me from playing poker?” I snapped. “I said I was going to pay you back.”

“It’s not about the money,” Ian said. “It’s you. I’m worried about you.”

“Oh, here we go again,” I said scathingly, throwing my hands up. “Since when is it your job to protect me?”

“Someone’s gotta do it!” he replied. “You haven’t exactly been exercising temperance around here lately. You’ve been hemorrhaging money, and it’s like you don’t even know how to stop.”

“Hey! You’re the one who gave me that second loan,” I told him.

“And you’re the one who lost it!” he shouted.

“Oh, that’s great. So this is about the money,” I said. “You decide I’m a liability, so I’m out. These are your punitive measures?”

“You are so solipsistic,” he spat at me. “Like I’m the one who’s doing something to you. You’re the one who keeps betting even though you have no money. You’re my best friend. I don’t want to see you get into more trouble.”

“And you’re so wise all of a sudden,” I said. “You know exactly how to help me.”

“It’s not like that,” he railed.

“You know, if you hadn’t started up those Friday night games in the first place, I wouldn’t be in this mess,” I told him.

Ian’s eyes went wide. “So, what? You’re going to blame all this on me?”

Why not? It was the only way I could think of to exonerate myself. And I needed to free myself from blame. I didn’t think I could live with this crushing guilt one second longer.

“Hey. Just calling ’em like I see ’em,” I said, knowing my argument was tenuous at best.

Ian shook his head. His expression was almost disgusted, which made me feel like the mud caked on the bottom of my shoe. “I can’t believe you’re so perfidious. We’ve always had a good time at these games. You’re the one who begged me to start up another one. It’s not my fault if you can’t control yourself, Mike.”

His comment stung. I couldn’t believe he called me disloyal, then said something like that. If anyone was a bad friend around here, it was him.

“Thanks a lot.” My skin flushed hot and I grabbed my jacket. “I’m outta here.”

He didn’t even try to stop me as I stormed out the door.