Unless you’re an inexplicably wealthy vampire, Paris Hilton, or a wildly successful freelance writer earning a cool six bucks a week, chances are you’re gonna have to get a job. And since you’re in high school and have no real skills to speak of, that job will probably be at some godforsaken retail store that makes a Russian gulag seem like a Free Hug convention.

On the upside, you’ll be earning minimum wage and will never, ever be able to rinse off the smell of the “Break Room,” no matter how many showers you take. In the interest of terrifying and entertaining you, we’ve listed the top 10 things you’ll learn at your first job.

Sparkler raj101 proves it's possible to say "no" with a sense of humor, and we are so very into that. —SparkNotes editors

Most of you have had this awkward moment (speaking mainly to the ladies here): You're in a movie theater, and that not-so-adorable guy you hardly know starts putting his grimy hands places you'd rather they not be.

Sure, some girls are into this, but some girls are also into hard drugs and Miley Cyrus. If a guy is making you feel uncomfortable, there's no need to stifle your urge to tell him to get his dirty paws off of you. Here are some creative (and effective) ways to do so:

1. Drool. Creatively position your mouth so that the drool drips directly on his hand.

As many of us begin the hallowed transition from autumn wear to winter gear, let us take pause to eulogize a fashion trend that need not see 2010:

Friends, family, fashion-lovers. We are gathered here today to lay to rest a misunderstood fashion trend: the Mom Jean.

Sounds like Sparkler xXx_lola_xXx has had some horrible teachers. We hope you have better luck next year, lola! —SparkNotes editors

You've been in school for a lonnnng time, but you still have trouble relating to teachers. They say things and you think you have it down, but you're wrong. I have discovered the true meaning behind a lot of the remarks teachers make, and I feel it is my obligation to clue you in:

When they say: This homework assignment is important.
They mean: I want you to spend your entire evening on this homework. I want you to have no social life. When I grade your homework, I will give you the lowest possible grade for the work you did.

Sparkler allcatscarecrazy has been reading SparkLife for months, but has only recently created an account (and written this funny post). Makes us wonder how many nickname-less Sparklers are out there. If you're a secret Sparkler, sign up and join the convo! We just love Sparkler newbies. **rubs hands together creepily** Mwhahahaha! —SparkNotes editors

You know those anger-inducing students you seriously consider throwing your textbook at, but your teacher looks at them (for annoyingly obvious or inexplicable reasons) like they might be the second coming? Every school has them, and there’s no way to avoid them...legally. Here they are, the students I love to hate:

Sparkler yasna18 was inspired by Dan Bergstein's post 50 Things That Should Not Exist, and has created her own school edition. We give her snaps for coming up with such a long list!  —SparkNotes editors

1.     Schools that start before 8.30 a.m.

2.     First period math.

3.     First period in general.

4.     A block period of foreign language.

5.     Teachers who give zero credit for effort on tests.

Sparkler thereal_Ang told us she was Writing While Grumpy, a dangerous activity indeed, and that's how this post was born. It's a list of everything that bothers her about other girls. We have a feeling many Sparklers feel the same way, so we'll turn off our judgment caps for the next five minutes while you vent. —SparkNotes editors

Thing I Can't Stand #1: The flirt chuckle (aka the flurkle)

This isn’t the average laugh you hear from this girl when her brother spills his milkshake all over his lap. This one is louder, more high pitched, and sounds somewhat similar to the witch cackle heard in The Wizard of Oz. Usually followed by an even higher pitched, “Thats SOOO funny!!!” Only done around men.

Two SparkLife writers (including Chelsea_Dagger) have swine flu! Here's poor Chelsea's account of how she contracted the most annoying, albeit trendiest, illness around. —SparkNotes editors

Step Negative Four—Welcome to the Jungle
Chronological Placement: A few days before the flu rocks you like a hurricane.
Be overtaken by an odd sense of foreboding, akin to the one you get when you hear a rumor that Ashlee Simpson will be starring in yet another television drama about a group of devastatingly attractive young-ish people who dress in hundred dollar bills and may or may not be serial killers masquerading as real-estate tycoons (or vice-versa).

Very few can make us editors ALOL before 10 a.m., but villanous_mwaha succeeded! —SparkNotes editors

So, you may think some of your friends are pretty annoying. You like them sometimes, but they have one (or more) of the following traits, and you just can't take it anymore:

1.    The laugh that makes you want to hurl yourself off a roof

Sparkler abby0912 knows that some stress is unavoidable, but she also knows how to cope. —SparkNotes editors

Us teens have to juggle homework, clubs, sports, friends, and relationships. Obviously, this creates a lot of stress.

The first way to tackle stress is stop stressing about stress. That just creates more worry. The second thing to remember is that there's nothing we can do about a lot of the things we worry about, so we shouldn't worry about them! But with all of the drama in our lives, we really, truly can't completely stop stressing and pulling our hair out.