The Think Tank: Dumbledore Owns All Y'all at Leisure Sportz

Hey, guys, remember that part in The Sorcerer's Stone when Harry and Hermione use the Invisibility cloak to sneak to the top of the Astronomy tower and deliver Norbert the dragon to Charlie Weasley? And then they overhear Malfoy getting detention from McGonagall for  trying to catch them at it? And then they're all like, "Oh MAN, we are the SMARTEST, SAVVIEST CATS ON THE BLOCK!" and do loads of fist bumps on the way back to their rooms, and then Filch basically just kills them because THEY FORGOT THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK AT THE TOP OF THE TOWER?

Yeah, that's about how dumb Chelsea Dagger feels. Because, yet AGAIN, she's been duped by a Brain Teaser of her own design: she had no idea that there were two correct answers to last week's riddle until you magnificent, magnanimous Sparklers thoughtfully pointed it out. We can all thank our lucky stars that there are more new members of Phi Beta Dagger every week, ready and willing to point the daft Dagger in the right direction. And with that flimsy excuse for a segue, here are this week's inductees, who shall be gifted with platinum scepters, unsightly commemorative buttons, and a lifetime supply of greek salad, straight from the SparkLife vending machine:

NEWEST INDUCTEES:
unanimous7
Fclef
Bookwyrm
KelseyTaylor23
rachel0_O
Tater Salad
mistycupcake
AznNerd07
Dreamerlily
Dizzy_In_My_Head
Purpleabsofsteel
Dont_Panic_42
_amica64
Shankapotomus
dasp_girly
silvervampiress
spurious_spooks
rumbleroar17
purplemoney
DiNozzo708
007SQN
xcgirl116

And what a fine-looking bunch they are! Now, on to the pillars of our fine foundation, the wise and beautiful Sparklers who correctly solved the riddle for the umpteenth time, our CERTIFIABLE GENIUSES:

the ever-spectacular Emily_Jeanette
ragster96
litgeek_carmen
Tristis
MHS16
musicallover707
yankeesfan222
lojojojo1592
kitscard
Albrolengarn
ProposeWithOreos
biskvitkaimlyako
randomness2325
kiwiatheart
The_Drum_Minor
Spectacles_Not_Glasses
pink_diamond6483
bakerstreetirregular
Ileya
Lumos26
iamsam_samiam
Cereal-killer
VictoriaMissingAlbert
14as
LilyChrome
flyergirl13
NotAnAccount
lonksthewriter
kit.kat.kitty
Ashmeadow
hanja21
z2013g
The_Familiar
ChangminsBabyGirl
kiwi.council

And a fearsome, one-person standing ovation is hereby performed by Chelsea Dagger to honor the following noble souls, who looked into the terrifying eyes of the goblin hoard and said "Suck it" not once, but TWICE. Be still, our sweaty, beating hearts.

KINGS OF ANSWERING STUFF IN A RIGHTLY MANNER:
Synchogirl
_Lana
Bookwyrm
silvervampiress
Elena28
Samsunger
{Insert_Witty_Username_Here}
purplemoney
falineaz
lia.lovegood
LilyOfTheValley2
deathsaura
neoama99
horcruxnumber7
Nickname1010101
DiNozzo708
Fclef
LittleSleepingBeauty
sardinemouse

Next up in this interminable parade of awesome, THE DAGGER AWARDS!

The “I Will Fight You To The Death For Levitt's Hand In Marriage” Dagger Award is presented to Dont_Panic__42 for:

…AND THEN…JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT TAKES OFF HIS CEDRIC DIGGORY COSTUME AND SERVES ME CHEEZITS ON A PLATINUM PLATTER! AND.... AND...... its okay. I'm alright now. *uses totem to check I'm not dreaming* "YESSSSS!!!"
but yea. that's what happened.

From,
Dont_Panic__42, Joseph's new forever buddy!  (move out of the way Dagger!)

The “Most Ominous Mention of  A Cereal” Dagger Award is presented to rachelo_O for:

The Master Goblin did not like being outwitted by the female, rakishly handsome look-a-like of Ludo Bagman, decided to do something worse than killing me and my love. The goblin love child of Tom Riddle and Lucius Malfoy (for only the descendant of those two could think of something so sinister) hatched the most evil plan in all of history:

"Bring in. . .COUNT CHOCULA!"

The “How About THIS For Karma, DRACO??” Dagger Award is presented to teamsnape1212 for:
There I sat, paralyzed on my beach towel, confronted with my two worst fears: being eaten by Dudley and being cut into tiny pieces. I clutched at Cedric's hand in terrified silence, and he turned to face me with fear etched into every feature of his face. I gazed intently at his ruggedly handsome exterior and was momentarily distracted by the relief I felt that this wholesome, good-looking man was not sparkling. That would have been embarrassing for all involved. I was wrenched suddenly from my reverie, however, when the goblins shouted something obviously profane in Gobbledegook. Offended, I turned to the gaggle of goblins glaring at us and prepared myself to use every ounce of logic I possessed to save Cedric and myself, or die (and dying seemed likely, as I am hardly logical and even less so when surrounded by hostile magical creatures). I took a deep breath to steady myself, turned away from Cedric's horror-struck face, and said this to the goblins in flawless Gobbledegook (I am also fluent in Mermish and Spanish):
"I will not be crushed into a pulp."
The goblins malicious grins turned into grimaces, their black eyes glinted malevolently and narrowed as they attempted to find a way through my logic. After five minutes of whispered arguments and stifled weeping ("Cedric, shhhh!"), they decided that they would not kill us. I then informed them of the rumors I have been hearing lately that Ludo Bagman has been hiding out in the enormous house belonging to Lucius Malfoy, and also that he had magically disguised himself as Draco Malfoy, a thin adolescent with a pointed chin, pale face, and blonde hair. At this information, they begin wringing their long fingers excitedly, and departed, leaving me to comfort a clearly frightened Cedric and wish that I had gone on vacation with someone a little more intelligent or brave, like a Weasley or Neville's toad, Trevor.

The “I’ll Take Answer 3 and Hagrid Hot Dog for 1,000, Trebek” Dagger Award is presented to falineaz for:

Today I present to you three different answers, and you must decide which one is most acceptable. How does it feel, huh Chelsea? Now YOU have to solve the problem.

Answer 1:
You and Cedric exchange looks over your Blizzards. The two of you discuss for several minutes, and ultimately decide that Cedric, who died ages ago in the fourth book (really, Sparkitors? HE'S DEAD. IT'S BEEN YEARS. HE IS NOW JUST ROTTING FLESH) shall go to the goblins and say, "I like pineapples." This statement shall be false, as Cedric actually hates pineapples, and he shall be chopped into a million pieces, which is still better than being fed to Dudley. While Cedric does this, you shall apparate to Ludo Bagman's secret hideout in Spain. You shall then capture the cowardly git and take him back to the island, where all the Cedric-bits lay on the ground. The goblins shall then deal with Ludo Bagman properly. You gather the Cedric-bits into an urn, which you shall later give to Cho Chang, so she has another thing to cry about.
This plan shall work because you are still alive, while Cedric is a zombie, and therefore has nothing to live for. Cedric was in fact a useless pretty-boy who didn't have enough brains to fill an eggcup. (And that last sentence was a direct quote from book 4.)

As you can see, dear Chelsea, I never liked Cedric.

Answer 2:
The misinformed, possibly blind goblins call forth their goblin leader, who has half-moon spectacles that were stolen long ago from the one and only Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. He, with his repaired vision, takes one look at you before realizing that you are not Ludo Bagman, and that you are, in fact, a girl (at least so I assume, since you were spending so much time with a shirtless Cedric Diggory zombie, which, now that I write it out, sounds much like something a Twilight fan would enjoy). The goblins then apologize and leave the island to search for the real Ludo Bagman. You and Cedric are once again alone on the island. Cedric then takes a note out of his pocket, hands it to you, and shyly says, "It was me who left the love notes under your pillow."
You take one look at him, before saying, "Well, DUH. We're the only ones on this island. And you were leaving bits of your horrible zombie skin with the notes too. It made me want to puke. Why don't you go back to Cho Chang? She's the only one who would like you, in your current rotting condition."
Cedric blinks slowly at you, before bursting into tears. You storm off, happy to have finally burst the useless pretty-boy's inflated opinion of himself. Suddenly, you turn back until you are just feet away from Cedric once more. He looks at you hopefully, wondering if you'd changed your mind. You get as close to his face as you can before the rotting flesh smell becomes unbearable, and whisper, "Besides, I never would have liked someone who can't spell 'spectacular'."

See, Chelsea, in this answer, no one died. Surely you must think this is the right answer, right, Chelsea? Am I right, Chelsea? I'm saying your name a lot, Chelsea. It's a very nice name, Chelsea. It has a lot of vowels, Chelsea. Alright, Chelsea, I'll stop now, because I think I'm coming off as a creeper.

Answer 3:
Zombie-Cedric and you head towards the beach and the goblins, after a long discussion about how you will make it out of this bizarre-o situation alive. The goblins are lounging around, eating hot dogs that Hagrid (who magically appeared) is grilling on the super powerful all-in-one engine of Sirius's motorbike. When they see you approaching, they quickly resume their sword-pointing positions, but one young goblin still has mustard on his chin. The goblin leader steps forward and says, in a deep voice, "What is your answer?”
"I won't be crushed into pulp and I will be chopped into a million pieces.”

The “My Future Husband Is Not To Be Used As Goblin Bait” Dagger Award is presented to Tater Salad for:

We face the goblins. I nudge Cedric to go first. Because, after all, even if he dies, I know that Joseph Gordon Levitt is here somewhere.

"I won't be crushed into a pulp." Cedric states. The goblins start to grin. Their teeth have bits of their lunch in it...is that a Happy Meal? One goblin with an extra-shiny sword coughs up that "we don't...know your...cheese." Or at least, that's what I think Extra-Shiny Sword Goblin said, because I only took one year of Goblin in school; the rest was focused on things I thought I'd use more in life...like AP Pie Crust Decorating and French (I was wrong about both). I looked at Cedric and said: "HUH?!"

He smiled that devilish smile of his and turned to the goblin circle. "You see, if you say that my statement is false, you'd chop me into a million pieces. And since I said that I won't be crushed into a pulp, that would make my statement true, since you didn't. So we can't do that, can we? If you said, 'yes, that's true, you won't be chopped into a million pieces,' you'd have to chop me into a million pieces, which would completely nullify my statement and make the outcome false."

Extra Shiny Sword Goblin looked confused. That's when I remembered something: goblins are good with money, some magic, and scaring people. Some are good with dragons, but not all of them. But none of them are good at Muggle logic (which Cedric and I had to master since we were pretty much on the run together now). Seriously, y'all, their brains were working so hard that their ears started smoking. And I hate tobacco.

They tried to focus their eyes on me long enough to hear my answer. "Well, I could go with the whole 'I will be chopped into a million pieces' thing, since you and I both know by now that by calling that false, you would make it true, and calling it true would make it false. But then you might explode. And I just showered." Their puny, goblin logic-lobes were working in overdrive. "So I'm just going to point out something that you'll have to prove for yourself." Dramatic pause. "JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT IS OVER THERE SOMEWHERE!" I yelled and pointed into the tropical woodsy area where he just had to be.

The goblins looked. "But like I said, to prove me right or wrong and give me my proper death, you'd have to go look...and that's a pretty big area. And Joseph Gordon Levitt is sneaky."

The goblins walked off in that general direction, muttering and calling me names, and Cedric and I found our wands and quickly scampered away (he was manly-scampering, though). We decided to find a good picture of Ludo Bagman before we went back to Gringotts.

The “You Will Speak of the Amortentia To No One” Dagger Award is presented to The_Drum_Minor for:

Cedric and The_Drum_Minor stood pondering for quite some time, terrified to speak for fear that the goblins would interpret any murmuring to be their answer. Suddenly, The_Drum_Minor whispered, "Lumos, that's it! The Liar's Paradox!" She turned to face the leader of the goblins, who stood at a mighty 3' 7" tall, and clearly enunciated her answer: "Raga gib-nor schmip ecki ecki ecki pfatang zoom boing," which is Gobbledegook for "I will not be crushed into a pulp." Outraged that this *human* (spoken with contempt) outsmarted them, the goblins lunged forward with their spears aloft (goblins—you just can't trust 'em).
The_Drum_Minor quickly grabbed the remainder of her vegetarian sammich with one hand and Cedric's arm with the other, and they sprinted to their buried wands (goblins have short legs, and they aren't very speedy). The Hogwartians unearthed their wands, turned on the spot with determination, and Apparated with deliberation. But, as anyone who has passed their Apparation test can tell you, the students forgot the most crucial step: deciding upon a destination. The_Drum_Minor, as any Sparkler would, was thinking about how she could turn this bizarre experience into a blog post for SparkLife. Cedric, on the other hand, decided to focus upon his house (he'd been "dead" for a while and decided he should probably go back). The combination of "SparkLife" and "the Diggory residence" somehow led the chilluns to Chelsea Dagger's abode. The trio had some pumpkin pasties and butter beer, which may or may not have been laced with Amortentia. Cedric suddenly realized that he wanted to stay with Chelsea, leaving The_Drum_Minor to return to Hogwarts alone, where she continued to study Gobbledegook and care for the HIPPOGRIFFS and THESTRALS. The end. Oh, and The_Drum_Minor was awarded 500,000 points for Ravenclaw. Needless to say, they won the House Cup - every year for the next century.

The “You Just Won Us A Cheez-It Sponsorship” Dagger Award is presented to pink_diamond6483 for:

These goblins are obviously STUPID; eBay doesn't give Cheez-its as a payment. Cheez-its are the only suitable form of payment these days. EVERYBODY knows that. *shakes head sadly*

Now the goblins are trapped in an infinite true-false thing of not being able to kill us. Serves those suckers right, trying to get CASH and not CHEEZ-ITS for our bodies. So while they're trapped in this infinite true-false thing (aka liar's paradox), we are free to run off into the sunset (which, coincidentally, is the color of cheez-its) and go back sipping to our non-alcoholic (I like how you made sure to add that) strawberry daiquiris.

The “BAZINGA! Is Our New Favorite Word” Dagger Award is presented to Nickname1010101 for:

Guess what?
Seriously guess.
Give up?
Mwah. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. ha ha.... WHHEEEZE, COUGH.(sorry, asthma)
Ok.  I'll tell you. I ESCAPE said situation in the riddle. WHY?
1. I'm a guy, and wouldn't go on vacation with Cedric and exchange misspelled love notes with him.
2. I haven't actually read Harry Potter, and therefore have no idea how important Cedric is to the actual plot of Harry Potter.
3. In the case that I still somehow end up in the given situation, with #2 in mind, I tell said goblins that Cedric is Ludo(remember, I don't know who Cedric and Ludo are AND I'm horrible with names). Then I claim that Ludo(Cedric) placed a spell on me, forcing me to accompany him on said vacation, which explains why I was in his company. Finally, I tell them Ludo (Cedric) swallowed the map to his treasure.
4. The goblins, thankful for the help, let me finish the vacation(which I have no idea how I got on) in peace.
Mwah. Ha. Hahahahahaha. hahahaha ACCKK, WHEEEZE(sorry, again)

Gotcha. Didn't I?
BAZINGA.

I would never submit an answer like that. Doing so would cause a mob of angry Sparklers/Sparkitors to hunt me down and ensure I suffer a slow and painful death.

Now, for the real answer.
The only answers are:
"I will be chopped into a million pieces."
and
"I will not be crushed into a pulp."
These will both create a paradox.

p.s. I really am a guy, and I haven't read Harry Potter (and now refuse to simply to be different than the average sparkler).
p.p.s. I might give you my secret stash of cheez-its disguised as cat food if you give me a Dagger Award.

The “That Eye Patch Of Yours Gets More Attractive By The Second” Dagger Award is presented to eyeyeyepatch for:

Oh, well. Cedric dies. Who cares. He's like the biggest weenie in Hogwarts. Plus, he's always stealing Harry's girl. Plus two, he is Robert Pattinson in the movies. So I don't really see why this is a big deal at all. Actually, maybe I'll "forget" to put my username down, just to make sure he double-dies. HA.

Oh, wait. I'm going to die, too? Well, then. Let's see what I can do.

So anyway, I think this riddle is ridiculously easy. I'm going to name like TEN THINGS I could say that are neither true or false. Let's go.
1) Hello.
2) Argh.
3) Stay there.
4) Take my body back to my parents.
5) Give me pancakes.
6) Please, please don't kill me! (I probably would be saying this anyway if goblins were threatening me, so I would have already won!)
7) Hadouken!
8) Good afternoon, Professor.
9) Polar bears are awesome. (This is an opinion; it is neither true or false. I think it totally counts.)
10) Goodbye.

There! All of those things are not "true", nor are they "false". They are all statements (if you think that a statement HAS to end in a period, then just replace all of my exclamation points with periods. It still works. (Props to my brother for the Cedric quote.) You really better come up with a better riddle next week. This one was TOO EASY.

The "Ask and You Shall Receive” Dagger Award is presented to TryingTooHardToBeAmusing for:
Chels-inator, please, please, please with a hippogriff on top, give me a Dagger Award! It would not only complete my life, but also give me ultimate bragging rights and popularity amongst my peers. WOULD YOU DENY MY OF MY BRAGGING RIGHTS?!

The “We Think You Would Sell Like Hotcakes On Ebay, and We Mean That As A Compliment” Dagger Award is presented to time_turner for:

Chelsea Dear,

(I like the fact that both Chelsea and Dear have the "ea." ) Who says being chopped into a million pieces and being sold on eBay will kill me? I happen to know that a) I am invincible and b) I wouldn't sell very well on eBay because I am a shining beacon of perfection (similar to yourself) and no one would want to feel inadequate after having bought me. Also, who says being crushed into a pulp and being fed to Dudley as a protein shake would kill me? Because everyone knows that Dudders does not like pulp in his protein shakes.

So one ought to call Chuck Norris using the special Chuck Norris call (It is very secret. Only a few know it, and I do not have the proper authority to disclose it.) so he can roundhouse kick all the goblins into being dead. And then one can go back to being a mute. (Note: I am not actually a mute. I can and will talk your ear off.)

AND Cedric, much like your dearest Fred Weasley (which also has the "ea." Hooray!) is already dead. So he can't be deaded again. Or double-deaded. Or whatever. Besides, I would much rather be on vacation with Fred. Or George. Or any other Weasley son because Cedric is lame. And weak, because Voldemort already deaded him.

Sweatily yours (no, seriously. I'm like drowning in my own sweat over here),
time_turner

P.S. Fun fact about my life: My best friend lives on Dudley Street. (I think that is why we are friends. Also, she sweats even more than I do.)

The “Dumbledore Awards 60 Billion Points to the House of Your Choosing” Dagger Award is presented to Elena28 for explaining BOTH solutions AND getting all John Grisham up in this business:

Eh, if Diggory dies, he'll just come back as a manipulative, abusive, despicable, glitter-infested brooding vampire, won't he?  It happened last time.   So he's not REALLY going to die.  He can't. Also, why I am I stuck vacationing with Edward Cullen, anyway?  What did I ever do to you to deserve that?  And it seems to me that this puzzle has two possible answers:

If "I won't be crushed into a pulp" is FALSE, then they have to chop me up into pieces, thereby making the statement TRUE.  If it's TRUE, then they have to crush me into a pulp, thereby making the statement FALSE...and so, due to the Liar’s Paradox,  it is neither true nor false.

If "I will be chopped into a million pieces" is TRUE, then they have to crush me into a pulp, causing the statement to be FALSE.  If it's FALSE, then they have to chop me into a million pieces, thus making the statement TRUE.... so it is neither true nor false.

Although, if it really WERE me being threatened by a bunch of goblins, I'd just ask "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" and watch their heads explode.  I suppose I could just try saying "bladvak" over and over in a really threatening manner and seeing if I could intimidate them into leaving me alone.

When all else fails, just threaten them with a lawsuit.

BAZINGA! Now, here is this week's riddle—and if it proves to have more than one answer, Chelsea Dagger is going to force herself into an inglorious early retirement and move to the upper swamps of New Jersey, where she will pass the rest of her days eating raccoons and writing unintelligible poems about her ignominious end as the Think Tank editor.

BRAIN TEASER: Kingsley and Dumbledore Kick It Old School Style

You've undoubtedly often wondered to yourself what exactly the two coolest wizards ever to rock purple robes do in their spare time, and after risking our lives and carefully stalking them every day for 3 years (read: sending them a politely-worded letter and a muffin basket), we've found the answer: they play a hell of a lot of badminton. Yes, it's true: the two baddest men you can imagine get together every afternoon (as long as there are no dementor attacks or avian flu outbreaks to deal with) and hit a tiny, plastic birdy back and forth over a net for hours at a time, only stopping to cast a few sporting insults in each other's direction or chug some electrolyte-spiked butterbeer. There's nothing that Kingsley Shacklebolt and Albus Dumbledore enjoy more than a good game of badminton (other than a pepperoni pizza party in Dan Bergstein's basement), so you can imagine their great disappointment when one day, they met at the WMCA (like the YMCA, but for wizards) and found the entryway to the badminton courts completely sealed over. In its place were two new doors, each guarded by a sphinx. As Albus and Kingsley's mommas didn't raise no fools, the two men immediately deduced that they would have to answer a riddle in order to partake in their usual afternoon of lighthearted competition. Here is the riddle:

One of the doors leads to the badminton court, but the other door leads to a conference on the hazards of inadequate cauldron-bottom thickness, which is sure to be so insufferably boring that Kingsley and Dumbledore drop dead from the dullness of it. Our heroes may ask each sphinx one "yes" or "no" question before deciding which door to take, but one of the sphinxes will always lie, and one will always tell the truth. There is no way of telling which sphinx is which, and they cannot ask 2 different questions. SO: what question should Albus and Kingsley ask one or both the sphinxes to ensure that they spend their day putting Wimbledon winners to shame, and not suffering untellable pain at the hands of yet another one of Percy Weasley's PowerPoint presentations?

Here's the lowdown, in case you've forgotten: email your answers to contribute@sparknotes.com, and send any questions, pleas, foolproof recipes for Amortentia, and profoundly tacky costume jewelry to Dagger at c aaron at book dot com.

NOTE: As you well know, Chelsea Dagger is basically an idiot with the memory of, well, an idiot. So, in the future, if you could be so kind as to clearly state not only your SPARKLER NAME and ANSWER, but also whether or not YOU ARE A FIRST-TIMER (aka, this is your first entry and you're not yet a member of PBD). If you've already been inducted, you may skip this step and pat yourself on your fabulous, enviably toned back.

Related posts: Click HERE to see all Think Tank posts!

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