The Think Tank: Snape Saves the Day, Again. Yawn.

Posted August 18, 2010

We'd like to start off this Think Tank with a few choice words for the valiant but invariably un-showered Mr. Severus Snape: Dude: Wash. Your. Hair.

A clean scalp goes a long way with the ladies, are we right? We're right. Now that we've gotten across that undeniably important message, let's rejoice in that fact that A: Chelsea Dagger didn't do anything dumb this week (aside from trying to see how many paper clips she could fit up her nose, but that's more of an act of heroism than anything else) and B: we've got a whole passel of new PBDs to induct. May we direct your attention to the following ladies and gents, who have earned not only a coveted spot in our fine fraternity, but also a small plate of broccoli each. (Sorry, we blew the budget on all those fine-tipped Sharpies, so we can't afford to hand out any more extravagant prizes. But the broccoli IS buttered, if that helps.)

NEWEST INDUCTEES:
Ikealamay
rainfire113
simiandog
Addster77
all_hail_HP
semperspes
CastralFire
som-mai
hpnai
banaynays1295
Wamaviangirl
agentplatypus
jewbiegirl
Musical_Sage
_Kalliope
Kelvin
Jazzy
cleverellen24
Fire_Cracker13
Retsam158
Louise96
Nahxahn
TeamSnape1212 (Previous Dagger Award Winner but 1st-Time Inductee, due to Chelsea Dagger's daftness)
frostghosty
ExplosiveNachos
horcruxesgotsoul

And now for our loud, proud, well-endowed (mentally, of course—get your minds out of the gutter)...

CERTIFIABLE GENIUSES:
tbaaja
Real Alias
katiedanny6
smushedcupcake
time_turner
smilebehappy
BellaSwan1
ChangminsBabyGirl
LilyChrome
randomness2325
Lumos26
blackdress11
Polyhymnia
LilyOfTheValley2
Writer247
flyergirl13
chessmedalist
rodeokinney
TheKooks
darthvortex
deathsaura
itswhoiam
Elena28
thebombdiggidy
ragster96
LiloWAHA
one25centpiece
purplemoney
Nickname1010101
lia.lovegood
The_Drum_Minor
Ileya
Tristis
prolife795
iamasam_samiam
mega_mega9
14as
bergstein_is_our_king
MHS16
Spurious_spooks

Next up, the delightful and defiantly lengthy DAGGER AWARDS:

The “We Like Where That Ellipses Is Headed” Dagger Award is presented to Addster77 for:

I just read my answer out loud and it took exactly twenty-seven seconds, which leaves just enough time for Luna to put on her wicked cool Converse and bolt out the door to meet Neville-McDreamyPants-Longbottom (Luna's nickname for him, not mine) for their date. Oh, and they won't be sharing a bucket of greasy popcorn, because Neville brought his very own box of Cheez-Its......

The “I Keep Giving You Awards Even Though You Don’t Send Real Answers But Look How Many Creative X Names You Came Up With!” Dagger Award is presented to {Insert_Witty_Username_Here} for:

Answer: He delegates. Luna stays in the room with the switches, X-Pain goes in the one with the bulbs. Luna flips one switch at a time and the Xen-Dawg notes which lights turn on first. Then they leave and compare notes, and Luna's snuggling with Neville over a large kettle corn and X-man's been promoted!

The "We Are 'Bout To Get Clingy Like You Wouldn't BELIEVE" Dagger Award is presented to Katie_Sauce for:
Hello, Ms Dagger.
That's enough small talk. Let's cut straight into the cake. Really, this "brain teaser" is pathetically simple. Even a non-Sparkler could figure it out. Yes, it is in that low of an IQ range. Despite hurt feelings, I must be truthful. I don't care if your excuse is "I had a spoiled Devil Dog and vomited half the day," or "Those Cheeze-Its dipped in Joseph Gordon Levitts gave me the squirts." I must be firm and cold in everything, even human suffering.
To solve his dilemma, Xenophilius need only turn on the first light switch and wait for five minutes. Then, he can switch the second one and wait for 3 minutes. After that, he needs to flip the third switch and enter the second room. He then will touch each light to gauge its temperature. Obviously, the hottest bulb will be connected to the first switch. The coolest bulb belongs to the third switch. Consequently, the bulb that is in between the two other temperature ranges will be attached to the second switch.I am late into the Think Tank game, so I should inform you that this is my first opportunity to submit an answer. Mayhaps I can join your sweaty, epic little "Dumbledore's Army" and "Glee Club" smorgasbord you fondly call "Phi Beta Dagger," eh? Unless you intend to get all clingy and demand my time. Then you should look elsewhere.

The "We'd Ask You To Marry Us If It Wasn't Totally Illegal And Creepy" Dagger Award is presented to joewalrus for:
HELLO SPARKNOTES. How are you? Fantastic. Look at your man. Now look at me. Look at your man. Now back to ME. Sadly, your man does not know the answer to this riddle because his feeble mind simply cannot handle such complex logical thought, as he lives simply in the constructs of a fantasy world where he can safely cry profusely over his incompetence in the real world. Alone. Thankfully, your man can hope, for a moment, to be like me, if he listens to my solution to this problem. I'm on a horse. (Thank you, Old Spice guy.)

The “These Are Almost Definitely the Greatest Postscripts We’ve Ever Read” Dagger Award is presented to smilebehappy for:

P.S. I’d better get an award for this. I put Joseph Gordon-Levitt, loam, and the right answer into a precisely 600 word fanfic.
P.P.S. You spelled Abbott wrong.
P.P.P.S. I’m still waiting for the Glee club part of PBD.

The “We’re Not Only Inducting You, We’re Electing You Mayor” Dagger Award is presented to Fire_Cracker13 for:
Dear Sparkitors,
Undoubtedly, on Thursday, August 12, 2010, you received my brilliant answer to The Think Tank riddle concerning the marriage of Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom, and Xenophilius' three light switches, which I think perhaps he should have had labeled when they were installed. Just saying. I jwanted to let you know that I am hanging my head in shame right now because I forgot to include the fact that I am indeed a first-timer in the e-mail. However, I must implore you not to exclude me from the Phi Beta Dagger Society because of this, since the beautiful e-mail I sent you on Thursday required a great deal of effort and I went through at least three boxes of Cheez-its while composing it. Thus, if you don't include me, you will owe me three boxes of Cheez-its. It's your call.

The “You Coulda Kicked Shakespeare’s BUTT Any Day of the Week and Twice on Sundays” Dagger Award is presented to _Kalliope for:
"Shall I help you dearest Dad?"
Said Luna as she did step forth,
Flicked two of the switches to be had,
But left the third untouched. Henceforth
She leaned against the darkened wall,
And shut those dreamy, wistful eyes,
She let forty-five seconds fall,
And straightened, sure to claim her prize.
She turned off number two, walked out;
And strode into the other room.
One light was lit. "There is no doubt!
'Twill be the first switch, I presume!"
Two lights were left, but which was which?
"The warm one is the second switch!"

The “The Obvious Answer: You’re HIRED” Dagger Award is presented to Nickname1010101 for:

Alright. Now that I've saved Luna from an untimely death (how could anybody sit through that movie), I will solve the riddle. Actually, I won't. Why? Because if this job is so awesome Luna's father needs her to solve the riddle at that very instant, I think I might want it instead. (And it may expand my CHEEZ-IT budget)

SO TAKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. If he wants the job, he should flip one switch on and then wait for a while. After a good bit of time, he should flip it off and immediately flip another switch on. Then, he should walk into the room right away. The light that is on is controlled by the switch he just turned on. Of the two that are off, the one that is hotter was the first light he switched. How can he determine which one is hotter in thirty seconds? 1. He could touch them. 2. If they are out of reach, use the stilts he snuck in using is shirt sleeves. 3. (The obvious answer) Use heat vision.

The "Was Your Dad An Astronaut? 'Cuz Your Answer Is Outta This WORLD" Dagger Award is presented to time_turner for solving last week's riddle hilariously AND with an admirable "green" twist:

Xenophilius (who is a total creeper, by the way. He looks like Mr. Nicholas Cage in my head and I bet he stole Luna when she was a baby because there is no way someone as incredibly stupendous as her could be in any way, shape, or form biologically related to such a weirdo. I mean, Nicholas Cage! The King of Creepers!), ought to turn one light one for a really long time, one on for a medium time, and one on never. So then when he goes into the other room, the warmest will be the switch he left on for a long time, the second warmest will be the one he left on for a medium time, and the coolest will be the one he never turned on.

Of course, this wouldn't work if CFLs were in use. Although for some reason, maybe it's because he looks like Nicholas Cage, I feel like ol' Xenie wouldn't care about the environment. I mean, it is just the environment. Whatevs, right?

And finally, a special "It's Yo Birthday, Gimme Some of That CAKE!" Dagger Shout-Out goes to CastralFire!

BA-ZINGA! Too soon? Too bad. We're horribly uncreative and prone to repeating ourselves, so either think up another catch-phrase for us to use or GET USED TO REDUNDANCY. Now, here's a riddle so hard it'll have you begging for mercy (this song=so GOOD) and mopping your brains off the floor for days (as of yet, no one has written a song about brain-mopping, so consider this an invitation and a challenge).

BRAIN TEASER: Snape Needs to Change His Ringtone Like WHOA

Snape is spending yet another gloriously sunny day in his damp, mossy basement, devoting time to his favorite hobby: scrapbooking. Yes, beneath his cold and paunchy exterior beats the heart of a 52-year-old woman, one who loves nothing more than to wile away the hours gluing glitter doves to photographs and carefully cutting tiny flowers out of piles of colorful construction paper. Snape is happily humming scraps of Hate on Me (the Glee version, of course) and decoupaging leaves onto his "I Heart the Whomping Willow" page when his cell phone starts to ring. It's a text from Dumbledore, which reads: yo, need ur help, bomb-thing gonna explode at h-warts, whatevs. hurry or world=over, LOL.

Snape smacks his charmingly greasy forehead onto his desk in exasperation, then Apparates into Dumbledore's office. The two men do their secret handshake, split a chocolate milkshake, and get down to business: apparently, some especially dense first-years accidentally constructed a nuclear bomb capable of destroying all of civilization, and Snape is the only one with the expertise to defuse it (well, Dumbledore could, but he's sort of busy playing Solitaire). After taking a few minutes to explain the benefit of page protectors to a group of terrified students, Snape sprints to the Chamber of Secrets, where the bomb is being held. Professor McGonagall quickly explains the situation to him:

Much like Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson Harry in the movie Die Hard: With a Vengeance, Snape must defuse the bomb by pouring exactly 4 gallons of water into a jug (what a jug of water has to do with defusing a bomb, we have no idea. JUST GO WITH IT). However, he has only an unmarked 3-gallon jug and an unmarked 5-gallon jug with which to make his measurements. He does NOT have magic, or measuring cups, or a ruler, or extra glitter, or double-sided tape, or a wand, or MAGIC, and he cannot simply guesstimate, or everyone will die. How can he use both jugs to measure out EXACTLY 4 gallons?

Remember: Neither of the jugs are marked with measurements, so Snape can't simply pour 4 gallons into the 5-gallon jug. There is a way to use these jugs to reach an exact measurement—your task is to figure out how!

*Note: This riddle was taken from The Daily Spark: Critical Thinking and Warm-Up Activities

The fate of Hogwarts is in your hands, yo! Send your best guesses, catch-phrase suggestions, brain-mopping song lyrics, and wads of cash to contribute@sparknotes.com. Panda cubs, paper clips, and desperate queries should be directed to caaron[at]book dot com, and DON'T FORGET: include your username and PBD status (first-timer or veteran) or suffer a fate worse than death by Jonas Brothers.