The Think Tank: Chelsea Dagger Is A Butt-Clown

HOLD THE PHONES, THINK TANKERS: SOMETHING UNPRECEDENTED HAS OCCURRED. CHELSEA DAGGER HAS MADE A MONUMENTAL MISTAKE. Oh, wait, that happens every week. It shouldn't even come as a surprise anymore; all you hardened Phi Beta Dagger veterans should just assume that she is always wrong. Here's a fine idea: instead of pointing out her flaws (Apparating is illegal! Cell phones don't exist!), why not praise her for the small, mundane things that she does correctly? Why not say "Well DONE, Dagger! You've just managed not to choke to death on your own spit for the 14th minute in a row!", and then clap her proudly on the back?  Why not give her an edible flower arrangement every time she doesn't misspell her own name? Now that we've established a new protocol for the Think Tank (it involved edible flower arrangements, in case you missed that), lets move on to one of the highlights of our little organization: the induction ceremony! We've got quite a studly bunch joining us today, and they'll each be receiving their very own life-size replica of the pyramids of Giza (made entirely of creamed corn!). If that's not a cause to celebrate, what is?!

NEWEST INDUCTEES:
chasingsquirrels
TrackSavvy9
DarkRose11
theblackbird
TeamSnape
thegirliscrafty
Colorgaurd
delabeef
Ninjabread
ShokuMasterLord
merrysun
Nicky1694
hpnerd1111
CSWO294
BrightOrangePen
purplerox246
moi0898
Lyzardbath
GoingBananas
Lizzie_Bananas
petrina23
wawa097643
Banaynays1295
MrSparks117
Hopeypoo
PokeNerd7
loopygal
swedish_fish
willutakemehome
Shmust
A-Wingfan
joewalrus
nycomic56
MotorZomlette
gummybeararmygeneral

And let's have a round of applause for those hardened PBD veterans we mentioned earlier, those wizened wizards of workin' it out, our very own CERTIFIABLE GENIUSES:
castralfire
SparklyMongoose
sgtpepper191
MHS16
Rumbleroar2
eyeyeyepatch
litfreak1
ThisIsShe
justiceleague425
i_is_a_witch
Polyhymnia
Nahxahn
IAmTheCow
Epicality
itswhoiam
cupcakemichi
flyergirl13
ellielikespie
lia.lovegood
Dont_panic_42
Elena28
Real Alias
zzip=>
prolife795
nycomic56
rainfire113
LilyChrome
14as
Tristis
ChangminsBabyGirl
BellaSwan1
Katie_Sauce
TheKooks
angi4
Synchrogirl
puppyl<3ver
TeamSnape1212
DreamerLily
Apocalyn87
Fire_Cracker13
simiandog
wamaviangirl
jewbiegirl
deathsaura
Nickname1010101
joewalrus
Ileya
mvchick34
randomness2325
mega_mega9

And with the absence of anything even remotely resembling a segue, we give you THE DAGGER AWARDS:

The "You Are Perhaps the Greatest Lyricist of the 21st Century" Dagger Award is presented to chasingsquirrels for:

This right here is my brain-moppin' sooooooong,
And I hope that Chelsea Dagger sings aloooooooong!
Well Snape he takes his 3-gallon jug
Fills it with water (but avoids Ron's slugs)
Mops his brain in case it spilled
Hitches up his britches 'cuz he's strong-willed,
Pours all three in the five-gallon tank
Just like the one from which Hagrid drank,
Refills the smaller jar with gallons three
And tops the fiver off, leaving one gallon free
Now in his moment of victory
Snape pours out all of the big jar thing-y,
Transfers one gallon in from the littler jug
And fills right up that smaller mug,
Once he pours that in to the gallons-five,
He's got four gallons, so the school survives!
He mops his brow and mops his brain,
And Snape has saved the day again!
This right here is my brain-moppin' sooooooong,
And I hope that Chelsea Dagger sings aloooooooong!
Snape is the bomb, as y'all can see,
But I don't mean that literally!
This right here was my brain-moppin' soooooooooooooooooooooooong!
Yeehaw!

The "'Canonical Inconsistencies' Is A Nice Way To Say 'Dagger, You Are a Total MO-ron'" Dagger Award is presented to sgtpepper191for:

I'd like to point out two canonical inconsistencies (dun dun DUNNNNNNN).  Firstly, you can't Apparate inside Hogwarts.  (In the Half-Blood Prince movie Dumbledore did, but the movies are filled with FAILSAUCE and hot actors and I'M GETTING DISTRACTED. *slaps self*)  Secondly, electronic items don't work at Hogwarts, so Dumbledore couldn't have texted Snape from the school.  (Unless this is the AVPM/S world, in which case you neglected to mention the part where Snape texted Dumbledore back, "Why, that's ABSUUUUUURD," then swooped into Dumbledore's office saying, "I'll be in the draaawring room, painting a picture of the stupid look on your face!")

The "On Behalf of NASA: You're Hired" Dagger Award is presented to chessmedalist for:
Solution 1: The Atomic Bomb Doesn't Exist
The solution is predicated upon the condition that the atomic bomb is located inside the Chamber of Secrets. The problem is that the bomb, quite simply, does not exist for two key reasons. First, electronic items cannot function on the Hogwarts premises. Given that the first years were able to pay for the expensive equipment, and that they were able to sneak materials into Hogwarts despite the fact that Filch searches all material entering and leaving the castle, the construction of an atomic bomb would require a heavy use of electronics. As Hermione explained to Harry in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, electronics cannot function inside Hogwarts because the gargantuan number of enchantments on the grounds interferes with circuits. This means that the first years could not have constructed a bomb. However, even if we disregard this, the bomb could not exist because there would be no suitable place to contain it. The riddle is predicated upon the condition that it is located in the Chamber of Secrets. The problem with this is that only individuals who speak Parseltongue, or cannot imitate Parseltongue because they have had close contact with Parselmouths on multiple occasions, may access the Chamber. This means that the bomb could never have been stored there, since Parseltongue is extremely rare, and is probably restricted to the bloodline of Salazar Slytherin. Since the last descendant of Slytherin was Voldemort, the first years could not have entered the chamber.

Solution 2: Snape Could Not Have Diffused the Bomb
Even if we assume that the bomb does exist, and that it is located in the Chamber, Snape could not have diffused the bomb because he would not have been able to access it in time. The enchantments on Hogwarts, at least in modern times, prevent an individual from Apparating to, or Disapparating from, the Hogwarts premises. This means that Snape could not have Apparated to Hogwarts in time to eradicate the threat. Moreover, the riddle explicitly states that Snape Apparated into Dumbledore's office. The problem with this is that the office is the most heavily protected area of the school; once sealed, no individual may enter the office without the Headmaster's consent or by knocking on the door. This means that even if it were possible to Apparate into Hogwarts, Snape could not have entered the office. Since the abolition of the threat is predicated upon the condition that Snape could Apparate into the Headmaster's Office, if the atomic bomb exists, Snape did not diffuse it.

The "Samuel L. Jackson Would Be Proud" Dagger Award is presented to litfreak1 for: What Super Scrapbooking Snape should do succeeding the sudden sprinting, secret shaking (of hands), and Samuel L. Jackson semblance is fill the 5-gallon jug and pour it into the 3-gallon jug.  There is now 2-gallons in the 5-gallon jug. Now empty the 3-gallon jug. Pour the 2-gallons of water into the 3-gallon jug. Ok, here comes the very complicated part Cyber squad: Fill the 5-gallon jug again, and top off the 3-gallon jug with it. Since it only took one gallon to completely fill the 3-gallon jug, there should be exactly 4 gallons of water or whatever the crap we're putting in these jugs left over. 5-1=4.

BY THE WAY Snape is handling some pretty large jugs for such a manly, scrapbooking man.
BY THE WAY I worked hard on that alliteration
BY THE WAY I deserve an award for that alliteration
BY THE WAY A box of Cheeze-its is a very good prize for said alliteration
BY THE WAY I'll settle for one of those Dagger Awards
BY THE WAY My birthday was about two hours ago

The "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!? (Get It? Like From Those Cell Phone Commercials? Is This Funny Yet?)" Dagger Award is presented to Colorguard for: That entire above answer is, of course, hypothetical, though, seeing as Hogwarts gets no cell service [it just so happens to make up part of that 3% that AT&T doesn't cover.] thus rendering Snape-y incapable of receiving Dumbles's panicked text. Even if Hogwarts magically got service [making the folks over at the cell phone companies delirious with excitement], Snape wouldn't have been able to apparate down to his good pal, Dumbles, because, as is demonstrated in the inability to teach about the 3 D's on campus, no one can apparate in the castle. Snape could't have gotten there in time. Even if Snape had been taking aerobics classes and getting in shape, the close proximity to water would've spooked the old man too much for him to have thought properly. Our Snivellus has been frightened of water ever since his youth; can't you tell by his hair?

The "I Will Pay You One Hundred Ba-Jillion Dollars to Ghost-Write My Memoirs" Dagger Award is presented to Batman "The Julia" Williams for:

Hey C-Daggs. It's Batman. Although now I'm Robin Williams, and I am really getting used to this new identity. People are a lot less weirded out by me, somehow, and I'm actually starting to get tables at restaurants! And the best part is is that I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WAIT. Or eat outside by the dumpster like I used to!

Of course, that whole eating-out-by-the-dumpster thing was totally cool. They just wanted me to do that to keep the press away and make sure the villians don't burst in and break their windows. I mean, it happens. Plus, by guarding the perimeter everyone is ten times safer. And by fishing my food out of the dumpster I lost the calories before I even ate them!

And if you don't remember me I will totally cry. But actually since I am manly and hardcore and amazing (as I am Robin Williams), I am only going to pretend that my eyes are leaking. Dude, it happens. If you start leaking from any part of your body, seriously, consult a doctor. There's this urban legend about this think called "sweat," but seriously, C-Daggs, because we're bffls now I've got to tell you that THIS IS A TOTAL LIE. Be concerned. I hear word that you're a heavy leaker.

This is a picture of me. I wanted to find one of me eating a sandwich, but for some reason the internet severely lacks these. Also I'm too lazy to get my servants to make me one and take a picture of myself. So here is a picture of a walrus at a party. I drew that.

IF YOU STILL DON'T REMEMBER ME I AM GOING TO TYPE LIKE A TELEGRAM STOP DO YOU REMEMBER ME NOW STOP I AM REALLY CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T JUST PUNCTUATE THEIR DAMN LETTERS STOP YOU'D THINK THAT TELEGRAM CARRIER WOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT THE APPROPRIATE PLACES TO PAUSE STOP

Anyway, this week's riddle is quite simple. Mainly because Snape apparently just HAS four gallons of water, and he just needs to pour said four gallons into the jug. And if the four gallons aren't just floating around, I'm assuming the jug fills four gallons. Fill the jug. Screw the three and five gallon buckets, I am assuming they were just put there by the goblins to distract you.

However, if there happened to be a spigot down there and no magical floating water source and the jug ISN'T exactly four gallons, then Snape's got himself some serious problems. I quite like poor Snape, because his life is SO SAD and I ALWAYS TRUSTED HIM, just fyi. I have a "Trust Snape" bumper sticker. People still honk at me on the highway in approval of it, though it may be because I'm going 80 in the slow lane.

But I'm Batman. So I'm allowed.

What Snape needs to do is fill up the five gallon jug, and then pour THAT into the three gallon jug. What remains is two gallons, which he should dump into the four gallon. Then he should repeat the process. If he's just having a good time/would like to challenge himself, he should fill up the five gallon jug, empty that into the three gallon jug, and then empty the three gallon jug. He should then pour the two gallons into the three gallon jug, so there are now two gallons in the three gallon jug. AND THEN he should refill the five gallon, dump one gallon into the three gallon jug (so it's full,) and then, in the five gallon jug THERE ARE ONLY FOUR GALLONS. OHMYGOD.

He should then victoriously decorate the gallon jugs with paper unicorns from his scrapbooking kit and pictures of walruses. Saying "gallon" so many times is making it sound funny. gallon gallon gallon gallon gallon now it looks weird gallon gallon galleon (DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)

Okay, rant over. Once again you should not feel the need to post it at all ever. Or, if you absolutely must post it (I know I'm awesome), then you shouldn't feel the need to post the whole thing. Though I do insist you include my walrus drawing. Really. (No, not really. Don't post it at all, just slap me around with some salmon.)

~ Julia Mae Batman Robin Williams Sandwich Shop Owner Walrus Artist Extraordinaire III, aka The Masked Sparkler Crusader Vigilante Avenger.

The "Your Song Selection For This Scene Is Ever So Choice" Dagger Award is presented to  ellielikespie for: I would finish by walking back to Dumbledore with the wind blowing through my greasy hair and "Eye of the Tiger" playing around me. The music stops when I turn to Dumbledore and say "Too easy" and resumes with a stunning video montage of me performing impressive feats of magic.

The "DONE AND DONE" Dagger Award is presented to Dont_panic__42 for:

I'd like to see Chelsea stick THIS up her nose.

The "Lady Gaga Doesn't Shop At Michael's, She Only Shops At Hobby Lobby. Loophole THAT." Dagger Award is presented to [Insert_Witty_Username_Here] for:

First of all, congratulations.
You've noticed that I don't send in real answers or use any logic whatsoever. Instead, I just find loopholes. I should so be a lawyer. Unfortunately for me, you forsaw this and explicitly stated that there is no magic or glitter or measuring cups. OK. Fine. But there are so many plothloes in that little logic problem I don't know where to start. Why can't Snape do magic? Is Michael's out of glitter? If so, what will Lady Gaga do? Do wizards not use measuring cups? However, I accept that logic puzzles are not novels, and can have some flaws. Of course, according to Stephenie Meyer, novels are not novels either and she can do whatever the heck she wants. Even if it goes against... well, everything.

The "'Skillz That Killz' Was My College Nickname" Dagger Award is presented to TeamSnape1212 for: So Snape shot Dumbledore a quick text ("Hollaaa. I gotz skilllzz that killz (you). Bomb=gone. McGonagall iz lamesies"), swept his greasy fringe from his eyes, and departed for his scrapbooking-haven to get a start on his "Lily&Severus 4-ever" page.

The "HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU FOR THIS MAGNIFICENT GIFT?!?" Dagger Award is presented to agentplatypus for:
You know it's going to be a good email when the subject is Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l76kzg6L3H1qzwaddo1_500.png
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l662sugCWQ1qcbjrjo1_500.jpg
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l5x6odh0Vh1qcis8vo1_500.png
http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l4ljzaCjUm1qaemvbo1_500.png
http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l5tzd5rJV61qawq0no1_500.jpg
Okay. I just Gordon-ifyed your day. So I'm going to Leav-itt at this. See what I did there?

The "What's Astronomical Is the Carbon Footprint of Your FACE " Dagger Award is presented to time_turner for: Do you know what the carbon footprint is for one drop of Amortentia? Actually, neither do I, but I'm sure it is astronomical. I was going to write you a 2,000 word fanfiction about Snape and the Amortentia, and how he smells bezoars, frog livers (Lily's favorite potion ingredient) , and Old Spice when he's near it, and how he accidentally drinks the Amortentia and falls madly in love with Mr. Xenophilius Lovegood/Nicolas Cage, but I'm feeling awfully lazy right now, so sucks.

The "If He Were A Legit Navigator, He Wouldn't Even NEED A Radar Screen" Dagger Award is presented to alsailor44 for: P.S. You should totally give me an award because the boat's navigator is yelling at me because I have wasted 5.6 precious minutes when he could be staring at a radar screen.  So, y'know, no pressure, or anything.

BEEPBOPALEEBOPABEEPBAMBOOM. You're right; our new catchphrase is a flop. It doesn't roll of the tongue as easily as "BA-ZINGA!", but we just can't find it in our stubborn, sweaty hearts to erase it, as it took Chelsea Dagger 3 hours to type it out. What's harder than typing a 26-letter word? Nothing! AND, this week's riddle.

BRAIN TEASER: Frodo Baggins is a Baller

For a refreshing change of pace, today's riddle will not only be mercifully short, it will also include the unsung hero of the Harry Potter series: Frodo Baggins. That's right, Frodo Baggins. Frodo Winchester Raspberry Myron Baggins. (We're under the impression that if we say his name enough times, our outrageous assertion that he was a part of the HP series will magically become true. Is it working? Right on.) Anyway, when Frodo wasn't beat-boxing for small crowds in the Gryffindor common room  or singing pitch-perfect renditions of Mariah Carey's Always Be My Baby with Samwise, he spent a lot of time scavenging in the nearby Forbidden Forest for tasty snacks. (Why he did this is a complete mystery; Samwise often reminded him that the Great Hall had an unlimited supply of pancakes and hamburgers, but Frodo just didn't seem to care.) One day during a particularly unsuccessful food-finding mission (he'd only come across 2 lima beans and Draco Malfoy's Chapstick), our favorite hobbit ran into Hagrid, who had just finished two tankards of butter beer and was in the mood to give out completely unsolicited advice. This is what he said (admittedly, when he said it, there was a lot more slurring and a lot less eloquence):

"The only berries I will discourage you from picking in the Forbidden Forest are the ones that are poisonous.

All of the red-colored berries are tasty.

None of the berries on thorny bushes are poisonous.

I discourage you from picking any berries that are not red."

Riddle: If all of Hagrid's statements are TRUE, then which of the following conclusions is also TRUE?

1. All of the red-colored berries are on thorny bushes.

2. All of the berries on thorny bushes are tasty.

3. None of the red-colored berries are poisonous.

If you don't solve this riddle, Frodo will probably starve to death, which will mean that an Orc will have to carry the Ring of Power to the top of Mount Doom, and then Voldemort will join forces with Sauron and throw a giant luau party, and we all know that luau parties never end well.

What, you WANT Voldemort to throw a luau party?!? We didn't think so. Get to solving—but NOT in the comments section! Send your answers to contribute@sparknotes.com, and make sure to include your username and PBD status (first-timer or veteran)! If you need a hint, some extra clarity, or a priceless e-autograph, write to the magnanimous and moron-ly Chelsea Dagger at c aaron at book dot com.

Related post: The Think Tank Archives