While crafting this week's utterly genius post, we thought to ourselves, "Now, who's in need of some Think Tank face-time?" And you know who we thought of? That super-ugly, permanently unshowered dude named Wormtail who appears in The Two Towers for about 15 horrifying seconds. But as he's not exactly easy on the eyes (unless you're trying to give yourself glaucoma), we decided to feature Strider, aka Aragorn, aka THE KING, Y'ALL, instead—because sure, he never showers either, but he looks damn fine when he's covered in dirt.
This week's brain teaser involves everyone's all-time favorite Harry Potter character: COLIN CREEVEY.
Just kidding. Nobody cares about Colin. I only cried for 3 days when he died, and I cry that much whenever my grocery store is out of Sugar Patch Watermelon candy, which is all the time, because my grocery store sucks. THE POINT BEING: Colin isn't everybody's all-time favorite Harry Potter character. But you know who is? DOBBY.
You know the part in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when Neville just OWNS EVERYBODY'S FACE OFF and becomes the Gryffindor-sword-wielding underdog champion of the universe? Well, that's how good it felt to see 108 comments underneath last week's Think Tank. Though you valiant Phi Beta Daggers had some reservations about submitting your answers via the comments section instead of in emails, it seems you've conquered your fears with gusto, grit, and gamely determination. But despite your admirable show of solidarity, you did present several legitimate concerns, so here's a little question and answer session to alleviate any remaining worries:
Hey gang, GUESS WHAT? We're going to try something new this week, something so astounding and unexpected that you will undoubtedly slap your sweaty hand to your equally sweaty forehead and ask incredulously "WHAT THE DUECE IS DAGGER THINKING?!" Well, mostly I'm thinking that I would look undeniably spectacular in one of THESE, but I'm also thinking this: what if, instead of emailing me your fabulous, Dagger-Award-winning short stories, novellas, and fantastically funny oddities, you (brace yourselves) POSTED THEM IN THE COMMENTS? Now, hear me out: I know you're worried about the sanctity of your secret riddle answers, but there are more important things at stake—like fame, glory, and HILARITY FOR ONE AND ALL. I get so many amazing email submissions for Think Tank, and it pains me so that some of them never see the light of day. If everyone posted their answer submissions in the comments section, your wonderful wit would be there for all the world to see and enjoy. "BUT DAGGER," you cry with dismay, "WHAT ABOUT THE ANSWERS? Won't other kids copy? What's the point if the solution is out in the open? Will I even still win anything for being clever? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?"
We, the noble, rakishly good-looking, profusely sweaty members of Phi Beta Dagger, must today bravely acknowledge a cold, hard fact: summer vacation is OVER. Yep, those glorious, perspiration-soaked days are a thing of the past, and we've all got the face the music: school is back in session, and it's time to get our LEARN on. Consequently, the venerable Think Tank shall heretofore replace logic-based riddles with practice SAT problems. Yay?
HOLD THE PHONES, THINK TANKERS: SOMETHING UNPRECEDENTED HAS OCCURRED. CHELSEA DAGGER HAS MADE A MONUMENTAL MISTAKE. Oh, wait, that happens every week. It shouldn't even come as a surprise anymore; all you hardened Phi Beta Dagger veterans should just assume that she is always wrong. Here's a fine idea: instead of pointing out her flaws (Apparating is illegal! Cell phones don't exist!), why not praise her for the small, mundane things that she does correctly? Why not say "Well DONE, Dagger! You've just managed not to choke to death on your own spit for the 14th minute in a row!", and then clap her proudly on the back? Why not give her an edible flower arrangement every time she doesn't misspell her own name? Now that we've established a new protocol for the Think Tank (it involved edible flower arrangements, in case you missed that), lets move on to one of the highlights of our little organization: the induction ceremony! We've got quite a studly bunch joining us today, and they'll each be receiving their very own life-size replica of the pyramids of Giza (made entirely of creamed corn!). If that's not a cause to celebrate, what is?!
We'd like to start off this Think Tank with a few choice words for the valiant but invariably un-showered Mr. Severus Snape: Dude: Wash. Your. Hair.
A clean scalp goes a long way with the ladies, are we right? We're right. Now that we've gotten across that undeniably important message, let's rejoice in that fact that A: Chelsea Dagger didn't do anything dumb this week (aside from trying to see how many paper clips she could fit up her nose, but that's more of an act of heroism than anything else) and B: we've got a whole passel of new PBDs to induct. May we direct your attention to the following ladies and gents, who have earned not only a coveted spot in our fine fraternity, but also a small plate of broccoli each. (Sorry, we blew the budget on all those fine-tipped Sharpies, so we can't afford to hand out any more extravagant prizes. But the broccoli IS buttered, if that helps.)
