As you all know, Chelsea Dagger is worse at simple mathematics than most 3rd graders. She can hardly spell the words "long division" (she always adds an extra 'h' ), let alone execute the concept in REAL LIFE. So even though the correct answer to last week's pogo-riffic riddle was technically "28 days," all y'all who answered "30" made such a valiant effort that we're going to pretend you got it right. THAT'S JUST HOW WE ROLL UP IN HERE, YO. Anyone who complains gets a swift, sweaty, Cheez-it-filled fist to the face. This week's new Phi Beta Dagger members will each be receiving a single blueberry that was found on the bathroom floor and hug from Chelsea's grandpa, the cutest man alive. CONGRATS.

Last week's riddle not only asked you to become right-hand man to the the P. Diddy of Evil Deeds, it also required that you be able to COUNT. So when we asked "Which word in the English language still has the same pronunciation even after 4 of its 5 letters are taken away?" and you replied "MAILBOX," we shook our sopping-wet heads with bafflement (holy molars, is "bafflement" really a word?! Spellcheck isn't calling us out, so by god, we're keeping it). C'mon, you guys: MAILBOX?! How many letters does "mailbox" have? AT LEAST ELEVEN, AND NOWHERE NEAR 5. EGADS. Of course, we soon realized that many of you were trying to be clever—that whole "if you remove ACTUAL letters from an ACTUAL mailbox" joke—but 'round these parts, we ain't got no time for cleverness, jokes, people with senses of humor, or anyone who doesn't sweat like a snitch in a room full of Seekers. YA DIG? (We're kidding. Stop weeping into your deviled egg platter.) This week's new Phi Beta Daggers, who are by this point probably shaking in their tiny, tiny boots, will each receive a blood-covered softball from Chelsea's first game (she accidentally stabbed herself in the shin with a blade of grass) and a 38-carat diamond necklace which spells out "NEWBIE" in catastrophically sparkly gems.

'Sup, Sparklebutts? Here's what: Dagger is in the hizz-ouse to hand out some MAD CASH MONIES. (And by "mad cash monies," we of course mean "trivial, meaningless awards.") All y'all ACED the heezy out of last week's riddle—and many of you deemed it much too easy for the likes of your razor-sharp brains. This can only mean one thing: YOU'RE OFFICIALLY SMARTER THAN CHELSEA DAGGER. (But that's been painfully obvious since she slashed Martin Scorsese's tires and wrote "BUTT-CLOWN" on his windshield with whip cream.) Congratulations on surpassing the mind-power of a Sparkitor with a 3rd-grade reading level, dudes. Now, it's party time: today's new inductees will each receive one signed photograph of Chelsea's pet slug, Ernest Worthington IXV, and 3 packets of Splenda sugar (we risked our lives to steal them from the cafeteria). Enjoy!

Last week's Think Tank was a bit out of the ordinary; instead of asking you to solve a riddle, we asked you to write us a poem. We were secretly planning on stealing your best verses for our forthcoming haiku collection, tentatively titled "I Wish I Were A Scrambled Egg," but we figured blatant plagiarism wouldn't exactly set the best example for future Phi Beta Daggers. Unfortunately for the public at large, that means we'll be writing the haikus ourselves. Here's a preview:

Last week's riddle, written by the Dagger herself, was revolutionary, unprecedented, and lots of other words that sound impressive. But it was nothing compared to the answers you unbelievably eloquent cats came up with; how did you get so SMART? Oh, right. By reading the Think Tank. But enough with the shameless self-promotion; today's new PBD members will be receiving 3 unused Post-it notes and one generic brand disinfecting desk wipe (they're super handy, and they smell lemony-fresh!), so y'all can go ahead and get to celebratin'.

BAHHHHHHHGGLLARGGHHH. That was the sound of Chelsea Dagger dying. Yes, dying. She has all kinds of allergies stuck up her half-eaten-hamburger-shaped nose (and she also just read The Maze Runner and was profoundly impacted by James Dashner's many absurd descriptions of nose shapes). Her giant head is filled with dizzy-making congestion, so let's keep today's business short and sinus-free. Here are your new members, who shall each be receiving nasal spray and a cold compress (didn't they use those to cure poor Beth of consumption in Little Women?)

Since her last post, Chelsea Dagger has been just overwhelmed by requests for custom t-shirts. She's gotten 3 orders at least, and maybe more if you count the email that Ron Weasley sent, which read  "STOP WITH THE TANK TOP STUFF, I HATE YOU, GOODBYE FOREVER." Do you think he wants that printed on a sleeveless number? Even he if doesn't (idiot don't know what he's missin'), we're sure that today's new members will. Appreciate your handcrafted, pencil-lead-laden tees, ladies and gents.

If you haven't memorized every single lyric to Ice Ice Baby, the best song every lip-synched, then A: you probably didn't get the reference in today's picture and B: there is something profoundly wrong with you. Here's a little taste of what you're missing out on:

To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle

Are there two more beautiful sentences in the English language? No. And that's why all of today's new Phi Beta Daggers will be receiving a signed copy of Vanilla Ice's hit single, worth upwards of 3 dollars. PHENOMENAL.

What UP, playaz? Chelsea Dagger is BACK in this heezy! And she's still under the impression that she's a hip-hop impresario moonlighting as a Sparkitor, so clearly her recent illness had no effect whatsoever on her mind, which remains sharp as a tack. So sharp, in fact, that she was able to discern that we only have TWO new members this week. But fortunately, that just means their welcome gifts will be bigger and better than any gifts before or since; they'll EACH get a dinner date with El Robert Downey Jr. himself, plus 2 dead fish as a bonus. Can you say LUCKY?

Is there any better way to start your day than with a picture of your four favorite dastardly dudes? Yes. There are lots of better ways. For example, it would be great to start the day without Chelsea Dagger breaking the cafeteria's magic coffee machine in front of  dozens of people, but alas, Chelsea Dagger is an imbecile, and breaking magic things in front of crowds is practically her only talent. Fortunately, just because she's an unbelievable butt-clown, doesn't mean she's not impressively generous, which is why all the new members of Phi Beta Dagger will be receiving absolutely NOTHING.