Butts, it's time to ask the hard question: would I look good with a mustache?

Just kidding. That isn't a hard question at all. Of COURSE I would look good with a mustache. Are you KIDDING? My bone structure is flawless. My cheekbones are panes of GLASS. No, the hard question isn't about mustaches. The hard question is this: has the Think Tank finally, at long last, run out of gas?

Chelsea Dagger is awfully sorry to have missed the Tank last week, butterbeans, but she's here now, munching on apologetic cherry tomatoes and weeping quietly like usual, and that's all that matters. She even cooked up a shiny new riddle-thang for you to puzzle over, and it involves two of the most debatably studly wizards in all of fiction: Draco "My Momma Says I'm Sassy" Malfoy, and Neville "Sometimes I Feel Like A Butt, Sometimes I Don't" Longbottom. Are you ready for this jelly? We don't think you're ready for this jelly. But we're going to give it to you anyway.

You guys probably didn't know this, but when Chelsea Dagger was a little boy, her dearest dream was to one day become a famous t-shirt screen-printer. Well, that or a dinosaur, but the latter proved too difficult to accomplish, so she turned her considerable talents to fashion design and launched a fabulously unprofitable company that involved her scrawling words onto cheap cotton shirts with a mechanical pencil. News of her entirely undeserved and mostly imagined fame soon reached the wizarding world, and next thing you know, the Chosen One himself, Harry Freakin' Potter, was knockin' on Chelsea's door and asking for custom-made v-necks for himself and his two best friends, Ron "Shazam!" Weasley and Hermione "Boom It To The MAX" Granger. Now, the Dags isn't about to just hand out her 25-cent merchandise for free, so she agreed to make the shirts on one condition: the gang has to solve a riddle first. BET YOU CAN GUESS WHERE THIS IS GOING.

Ladies and gents, the cold spell is over: Chelsea Dagger is no longer stricken with Writer's Block (which is capitalized because it's a legitimate disease, like Measles, or Hypochondria)! Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that she's any less moron-ly than usual, but we'll take what we can get. And what we can get, at the moment, is a righteously over-wrought riddle involving your favorite ace detectives: Robert Downey Jr. and one Mr. Neville "I Eat Mystery For Breakfast, and It Tastes Gooooood" Longbottom.

Bored of studying SAT vocab the traditional way? magicalmarker offers you an awesome alternative!—Sparkitors

It was a breezy Sunday afternoon, and I was contentedly om-nomming some Caramel Crunch Chex Mix. The yakiimo man was patrolling the neighborhood (as though his potatoes could rival my delicious snack), and I was procrastinating on my AP Literature homework, which had piled up when I picked up a delightful stomach virus. As a class we were reading Hamlet, and we had to make sentences with “new” vocabulary (though most of the words weren’t new to my awesome classmates and me). I would rather have just reread Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and that got me thinking: I would compose some Potterific sentences and turn those in! So here are the not-so-new vocabulary terms, used in some Pottertastic sentences for your viewing pleasure. Now excuse me while I brainstorm some more lame hybrid words!

Be warned, Sparklers: this week's Think Tank is going to push you to your limits. It's going to get inside your head, build a three-level house, and set up a foos-ball table in the garage. It's going to explode your brain, and then explode the explosion, and then do some other really weird stuff too. Why? Because this week's riddle is NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SOLVE.

But we pretty much always say that, and then you guys find the solution in 3.47 seconds and we're left scratching our giant, sweaty heads and wondering if we should have paid more attention in 6th grade math class. So fear not: you might be just the brilliant, brave soul to crack this code and, in so doing, win immortality, 4 truck-beds full of cooked oatmeal, and our ever-lasting admiration. Are you ready? Are you scared? (We tried for 17 hours to find a clip of LOTR's Aragorn saying "Not nearly scared enough," but no dice. SORRY.)

Brace yourselves, Sparklers: things are about to get GRIM. If you know your Harry Potter omens, you know that I'm talkin' 'bout DEATH, DESTRUCTION, and DEMISE, three of Lord Voldemort's favorite nouns (he's also partial to "milquetoast" and "pony farm," but if that information were ever made known to the public, his career as a fear-mongering force of evil would be finished). This week's riddle is much darker than usual, but don't have a panic-induced asthma attack just yet: one of the baddest Hogwarts heroines of all time is here to cast some light on our newest brain teaser, entitled Hermione Is The Female Version Of A Hustla.

Yesterday, your lives changed forever: the Think Tank became a two-part post, and the world will never be the same. Well, actually, it will be exactly the same, except that you now have Phi Beta Dagger to look forward to every Thursday, and Chelsea Dagger has decided to permanently (for three days) give up Devil Dogs, which means less barfing and more unresolved sugar cravings. Hooray!

You know the part in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when Neville just OWNS EVERYBODY'S FACE OFF and becomes the Gryffindor-sword-wielding underdog champion of the universe? Well, that's how good it felt to see 108 comments underneath last week's Think Tank. Though you valiant Phi Beta Daggers had some reservations about submitting your answers via the comments section instead of in emails, it seems you've conquered your fears with gusto, grit, and gamely determination. But despite your admirable show of solidarity, you did present several legitimate concerns, so here's a little question and answer session to alleviate any remaining worries:

We'd like to start off this Think Tank with a few choice words for the valiant but invariably un-showered Mr. Severus Snape: Dude: Wash. Your. Hair.

A clean scalp goes a long way with the ladies, are we right? We're right. Now that we've gotten across that undeniably important message, let's rejoice in that fact that A: Chelsea Dagger didn't do anything dumb this week (aside from trying to see how many paper clips she could fit up her nose, but that's more of an act of heroism than anything else) and B: we've got a whole passel of new PBDs to induct. May we direct your attention to the following ladies and gents, who have earned not only a coveted spot in our fine fraternity, but also a small plate of broccoli each. (Sorry, we blew the budget on all those fine-tipped Sharpies, so we can't afford to hand out any more extravagant prizes. But the broccoli IS buttered, if that helps.)