We’ve noticed you staring awkwardly at us during fourth period and we just want to say—STOP. And also—YOUR FULL-ON BEARD + MUSTACHE IS AWESOME.
We know puberty can be the pits, but we celebrate your urge to buck the trend and let the face grass grow where the good Lord intended. While other teenage guys are praying for just one sprout of hair above their lip, you’ve got a full-on face garden and aren’t afraid to show it. Who cares that you look like a 35-year-old man who’s still in junior high? When you’re getting free cookies in the lunch line because the cafeteria lady thinks you look like a young Kenny Rodgers, we say you took a gamble on personal hygiene and won.
We, your fellow peers, celebrate your awkward manliness, and all the wonderfully hilarious comparisons that it allows us to make: You look like the pirate from the opening credits of Spongebob Squarepants. Your mustache reminds us of an overweight caterpillar. My mom saw you outside of school and asked, “whose dad is that?” Your awkward and awesome facial hair brings laughter and joy to an otherwise boring school day, and we have whiled away countless hours contemplating the mysteries of your face mane. For this, we thank you.
Keep up the good work, creepy beard guy. Though high school may be rough, you can always grow up to be Zach Galifinakis. But please stop with the weird stares already.