SparkNotes Blog

How to Be a Freshman

marmellow is so evil! And awesome! —Sparkitors

Beginning a new school at the bottom of the totem pole can be quite a frightening endeavor. As a wise and seasoned senior, I’ve seen my fair share of fresh meat freshmen. Heck, I was even a freshman myself once! So, out of the goodness of my heart, I have made a guide for those Sparklers in their first month of high school.

Rule 1: Bring rollie backpacks. Not only do they look super cool, but they also ensure that people don’t follow too closely behind you. Space bubble maintained. Good job!

Rule 2: Bring a briefcase. You’re not in middle school anymore; you’re a grownup now! And in the grownup world, people bring briefcases, not backpacks. You should also eat lots of caviar at lunch. Peanut butter and jelly is SO juvenile. And don’t take the bus or ride in a car. Arrive in a helicopter. Grownups love helicopters.

Rule 3: Rollie briefcases. Yes. They exist. Buy ten.

Rule 4: Never use your locker. Remembering combinations is hard. Plus, remember last time you went to your locker? You spent 10 minutes trying to open it only to have the junior who owns it remind you that yours is one to the right. So, just carry everything with you. Each and every textbook you own. If not all your textbooks can be forcefully squeezed into your cavernous bag (or briefcase), invest in an even bigger bag (or rollie briefcase). It might be a little big, but you can easily counteract the weight pulling on your back by holding seven or eight texbooks in your arms.

Rule 5: Block the hallway. The upperclassmen like a good challenge. To make things exciting for them, try seeing how difficult you can make it to move through the hallway. How? Gather every single person you know and stand in a huge group right at the hallway intersections. I know it seems tempting to block the hallway further down where it’s more densely packed and harder to push through, but by standing where the hallways meet, you can block people from four directions. And if you plan it just right, you can also block off any access to the bathrooms as well!

Rule 6: Sprint to all of your classes. Five minutes is not nearly enough time to make it from your class in 215 to your class in 217. That’s two whole doors down! It’s a good thing you already have every book you will need for today stuffed into your bag; it saves you the 30-second trip to your locker. That’s 30 seconds that you could be sitting straight and tall at your desk, waiting patiently for class to start and trying to get your teacher to notice what a good student you are!

Rule 7: If you see a friend on the stairway, freeze. Don’t continue walking up the stairs; you risk losing sight of your friend that way, and you need to tell him all about your day. Right now. Don’t worry about the people behind you, trying to get to their classes. They understand.

Rule 8: Show the upperclassmen who’s boss. This is the most important rule, as your whole high school reputation depends on it. Sometime during your first month, pick out a senior and let him know that the Class of ’14 will officially be “ruling the school.” Back this up by bragging about your totally legitimate mega first class black belt in karate. He and his friends will be really impressed, and they’ll probably invite you to all sorts of crazy senior parties. It’s the same principal as punching the biggest guy in the prison yard, which, as everyone knows, never backfires.

I hope this quick and easy guide helps all of you incoming students start off on the right foot! It’s going to be a great four years!

What’s your advice to freshmen? Raise those sarcasm hands high!

Related Post: Wise Advice for Freshmen Girls

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