SparkNotes Blog

How To Impress Girls and Stuff Like That: TanTanTheLadies Man Tells It Like It Is

TanTan has achieved the impossible: he ate 29 Hot Tamales in 52 seconds. Just kidding. No one can do that—but he DID get his very own series, which you’re going to love. And he’ll keep working on the Tamales thing.—Sparkitors

What. The. Hububaloo. Never in a kajillion years would I have thought I would be at this point in my life. A months ago, when I got my first SparkLife article published, I had no idea that I would eventually be getting my own column. Little known fact: the first article I submitted got rejected, but I didn’t sit on the ground, throw a tantrum, and proclaim to the heavens that I wasn’t ever going to write again. No, I took the blow to my pride, reviewed my work to see how I could improve, and kept on truckin’ along. And guess what? It paid off. I’m going to have my own column, which is pretty sick, if I do say so myself.

To the surprise of the people who know me in real life, it’s going to be about girls and how to impress them and stuff like that. Let me explain to you why my non-online friends are astonished that this is the topic I’ve chosen to focus on. You see, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and I’ve never really wanted one. This is because girls are crazy, plain and simple. But before you ladies fly off your rockers, let me just say that guys are stupid. Down-right idiotic. This combination, along with raging teenage hormones, can never be good, so I’ve done my best to avoid it. I’ve never dabbled in my own love affairs because I’ve never wanted the drama. I’m not a fan of on-and-off relationships, the he-said-she-said back and forth, the “how’d you forget our week-a-versary” fights, etc. But just because I haven’t ever wanted a girlfriend doesn’t mean I don’t have an interest in girls. I find it much easier, more fun, and more natural to talk to a lady when I’m not constantly worried about whether or not she’ll be my next significant other. Now, I’m not saying that I’m some super slick playa’ fellow who thinks women are prizes—not at all. I’m just an average guy who enjoys flirting with girls every now and then without getting crazy relationship sauce all over the place. At this point in my life, I feel as though a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship isn’t necessary; it’s much better to fly solo. But don’t worry, sometime in the future I’ll buckle down and start looking for…(gasp!) a wife!!  But that’s not for a while, so don’t worry about it. For now, I’m just gonna test the waters and see what fish I do and do not like (other words, see what kind of girls I like and which ones are crazy nut jobs that I never wanna see again).

With that background, now you understand the topic of my column: how to deal with girls, how to impress ‘em, how to knock their metaphorical socks off (no real sock knocking-off, that’s scandalous!), and how to actually hold a conversation with them without sweating through your shirt. In short, I’m gonna try my best to make this generation of guys not so girl-shy while keeping them well within the bounds of going girl-crazy. As my father says, “moderation in all things;” you’ve gotta have a healthy balance.  So wish me luck, and I hope I do you guys justice!

Alright, fire away: got any girl/boy/flirting/dating questions for TanTan? This column ain’t just for Manklers; ladies, we want to hear your thoughts too!

Related post: The Mankler’s Solution to Summer Boredom? GIRLS.