Are you reading this wearing a shirt you made out of someone else’s hair, sitting in an antique rocking chair with teeth marks all over it, while drinking a glass of pickle juice and listening to a recording of human breathing? No? Well then don’t ever send any version of the following texts.
1) You don’t know me, but your hair smells amazing. (Especially when woven into a shirt.)
2) Do you know anyone who pays cash for human teeth (don’t worry, not my own)?
3) What’s your favorite game? Mine’s called Following You Without You Knowing.
4) You look so cute when you’re sleeping. P.S. Try cleaning your closet sometime.
5) I wish I could sew myself to you.
6) I will give you one thousand dollars to smell your shoes. Please. It’s an emergency.
7) I would make out with your shadow on a gravel driveway.
8) How much money do you want for your old toothbrush?
9) We would make an amazing couple. I’m the guy sitting behind you at Starbucks right now. I got your number by looking over your shoulder while you were texting your boyfriend.
10) My pet bird died. I still have him though. He’s my only friend.
11) I want to put your Q-tips up my nose and go to sleep.
12) You know those birds that live inside crocodile’s mouths? I want to live inside your mouth.
13) Quick, tell me everything you know about black market organ donation.
14) I made a blood painting for you.
15) I love you more than my jar of fingers.
16) My favorite color is clear. That way I can always see you.
17) I bought the most expensive binoculars. That’s how much I love you.
18) You remind me of my sister. In a romantic way.
19) You would make a great soup.
20) I named my cat after you. You’re welcome.
21) Maybe you’ll love me back, in heaven.
22) I want to chew your food for you.
23) Wanna go to the movies? JK, let’s take a nap at the cemetery.
24) I painted a picture of your soul. I’ll give it to you outside the abandoned knife factory at midnight. Come alone.
25) I invented an emotion to describe our relationship, it’s called loveangerfrowns.
26) May I have a piece of your toenail clippings to tape to my eyeglass lens?
27) Just thought I would let you know, today is our negative two year anniversary.
28) You are like an angel that died and then was reborn as a woman. I know because you still smell like dead angel.
29) The veins in your neck are exquisite. Simply exquisite.
30) My aunt says I’m the best kisser she’s ever known.
31) I would do anything for you. Especially steal tranquilizers from the vet’s office. Seriously, say the word. I’ll do it.
32) I want to live in a nest of your hair.
33) On a scale from one to ten, I’m attracted to you whatever number equals being willing to rip out my own heart and put it in a box and leave it on your doorstep. Is that a seven?
34) Remember when you said my nose was weird? I cut it off! Can we go out now?
35) I secretly changed my name to your name, so when I tongue-kiss the mirror we are finally happening.
36) What do you mean you don’t want to go out with me? I have a shrine to you! A SHRINE!
37) My favorite movie is a cell phone video I made of you playing field hockey. It’s called Silence of the Lambs 4.
What’s the creepiest text message you’ve ever received?