We’re in the thick of battle to see which Disney Prince would make the best boyfriend, and man that first round was easy. Wait. No it wasn’t. We were totally called out on our terrible reffing skills when we crowned Naveen champion over Flynn Rider. Let us assure you, dear Sparklers, that will not happen again. Tarzan, Robin Hood, Aladdin, Phil, Eric, Shang, Flynn and Edward are back. And we don’t care that they’re a tad exhausted from the first round, because this is important. May the best prince win.
Tarzan vs. Robin Hood
We love that Tarzan is super loyal and wants the best for everyone. Do you remember when he saved Clayton, who was trying to kill him? Wait a second, that’s awful. We’re taking that out of the pro category and putting it into the con category. We don’t want to have to worry that if we get mugged on the street, our boyfriend will hand over our bag to the burglar and say, “here you go!” What really hurts Tarzan’s score is the fact that if you brought him home to Gramma’s, shed be freaked. We bet he has horrible manners—he never stops grunting and is in constant opposition to wearing pants. So you could say goodbye to the $5 check you get on your birthday every year from your Gramma. Robin Hood, although he does not wear pants and is a fox, has a British accent, which makes up for nearly everything. Also, Tarzan is dopey. Blame it on the whole isolation-from-all-human-beings-for-your-entire-life thing. You’d have to school him in everything from how to tie his shoes (if you can talk him into wearing them) to laughing at the right moments of Big Bang Theory. Robin Hood is witty. Or maybe it’s just the sexy British accent tricking us. Oh, well!
Aladdin vs. Prince Phillip
You could definitely bring Prince Phillip home to Gramma, but the rest of the time? Borrrinnngggg. Life would be way more fun with Aladdin. He has that goofy voice that makes everything he says sound exciting. Like, he could say, “let’s go get our ears chopped off in the market today!” And we’d be like, “anything you say, buster!” Just thinking about being stuck in Phil’s stuffy castle makes us queasy. Good thing Sleeping Beauty is so good at sleeping—there isn’t much else to do there. But when you’re up and all rested up, who are you gonna want to be with? In the words of a big fat Genie, “Al, Al, he’s our man, if he can’t do it no one can.”
Prince Eric vs. Shang Li
Shang has a lot going on in the looks department, but he’s a little too by-the-book for us. He really needs Mulan to teach him a few things about life. And trans-gender dressing. Also, we cannot ignore how sexist he is. “Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?” What, because daughters are wussy? Did you see some of his soldiers? They can hardly run a hundred yards! They’d get their butts whooped in elementary school gym class. Now we know everyone loves how kick-ass Mulan is, but that has nothing to do with Shang. Plus, Shang’s voice kind of sounds like Donny Osmond’s, and that’s because it is Donny Osmond’s voice, and that is a huge turn-off. Eric wins because we love a guy who knows how to sail a ship, he would never care if we didn’t feel like talking, and let’s be honest—it’d be pretty baller to live in a palace by the beach.
Flynn Ryder vs. Edward
Edward was really surprised when Flynn showed up. He was expecting Naveen. That’s unfortunate for Edward, because he might have beat out the selfish, lazy prince from New Orleans. But his dashing good looks could not beat out Edward and The Smolder. Unlike some of the commenters, we don’t think Edward’s stupidity is endearing. Sure, he keeps us laughing, but we get sick of laughing at him. We want to laugh with him. The number one thing to look for in a boyfriend is someone who will laugh at your jokes no matter what and Edward’s probably not getting our jokes. Flynn, you wynn. But you better do some extra push-ups this weekend because next you’re up against Eric, who might not be able to smolder, but he makes us swoon, anyway.
Okay, Sparklers. Was it a fair fight this time? Who do you think will win the next round? Will Flynn’s glory end here, or is he in it to win it?