We have disappointing news for those of you who thought we would have another rematch for Shang vs. Eric: we’re not. We’re sorry, but come on. If there was a rematch for everything, it’d be like giving everyone trophies just for signing up for the soccer team or having bumpers for bowling. Yes, it’s awesome. But at some point you have to toughen up. (Note: we still use bumpers for bowling.) Flynn losing to Naveen was an egregious error. Shang losing to Eric is just how the fortune cookie crumbles. And you know you’d make out with Prince Eric.
So where does that leave us?
Robin Hood vs. Aladdin
This. Is. Hard. You know how we feel about Robin Hood’s accent. We just, in our minds, imagined what it would sound like for him to say “Bloody hell, secretary, take my mother out of the garage and get her to the theater, there. Purple soccer ball!”* And it sounds good. Robin Hood’s archery skills should not be poo-pooed, either. It is hot to watch him kick everybody’s butts in the tourney. But then again, stop yourself and think about what it’d be like if you went anywhere with him and he brought a freaking bow and arrow. Have you seen what a real one looks like? Not like the cartoon ones! They are way scary. If you don’t believe us, Google “bow and arrow injuries” and look at the pictures. If you don’t feel like barfing, do not Google “bow and arrow injuries” and look at the pictures.
Okay, Robin Hood. Your time is up. Your cuteness and sexy accent can only carry you so far. We are worried about someone (you) who would own a bow and arrow and be able to murder people with it from a mile away. And as a few Sparklers pointed out, kissing something with a tail freaks us out. Also: hairballs? Ew.
Aladdin wasn’t really worried about this match at all. (You know how cocky he is.) He just rolled out of bed, threw on a vest and some harem pants, showed up, and said to the judges, “That other guy isn’t even wearing pants.” Then he smiled, took us on a magic carpet ride, and fireworks started going off in the background (we’re thinking the Genie was responsible for this) and we were sold. The trophy goes to Aladdin.
Eric is one of the hottest Disney princes in the history of time. We know there are a lot of haters out there, who think that Eric should have choked to Shang, but take a really close look at those big, blue eyes and charming grin and try to tell us that he’s not swoooonnndorrableeee.
Eric has made it this far because he signed up for the competition as a hunky seaman musician. But we looked into it, and we’re under the suspicion that he’s kind of a rich boy who stands on the ship and takes all the credit. And he plays the recorder. Nothing against the recorder, but we played the recorder when we were like 7 years old. Does anything sound sexy on the recorder? No. A recorder begs for no groupies.
Finally, it’s sweet that he’s cautious to kiss Ariel, but a passive guy just isn’t going to win the championships. Can you imagine if you had to make the first move for everything? Too much boyfriend work.
Eric is one of the hottest Disney princes in the history of time. Well. Eric was one of the hottest Disney princes in the history of time until Flynn Rider came around. As you all have pointed out, several thousand times, Flynn has a dynamic personality, cracks us up (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not but whatever), and smolders. He risks his life several times for Rapunzel, which is something boyfriends should just do left and right, already, jeez. Even when it’s not necessary. Even if it’s just to test whether or not they can. And Flynn can.
Flynn wynns again, but like we said before: this competition is far from over. He has to go up against Aladdin, magic carpets, fire works, et al. Stay tuned.
Okay so you have to admit we were fair this time. Right? Who should win the next round? Anybody out there rooting for Aladdin?