So, you’ve decided it’s time to take your driver’s test. Have you gathered the necessary paperwork? Eaten a hearty breakfast incorporating all the food groups (with an extra emphasis on “candy-flavored cereals”)? Rehearsed 3-point turns until your hands bled? Practiced parallel parking until your next-door neighbor yelled at you to get away from his car while brandishing a shotgun?
Good, then you’re ready for your driver’s test! Here’s a handy list of things you should remember NOT to say to your instructor during your five-minute excursion—unless, of course, you don’t mind using your sister’s old Razor scooter as your main mode of transportation. That thing does get pretty good gas mileage.
1. My friend told me that if I get the frumpy pregnant instructor I’m in trouble, but I can’t tell if she was talking about you.
2. My last parallel park attempt ended with 12 stitches and my grandma having to pay off an angry motorcyclist. Let’s hope this one goes better!
3. Can you hold the wheel for a sec? Someone just sent me a text.
4. I know I’m supposed to stop for school buses, but don’t you think that’s going against Darwin’s “survival-of-the-fittest” theory?
5. My brother says I’ll make a good driver because I hardly ever hit pedestrians when I’m playing Grand Theft Auto.
6. I hope you don’t mind sitting in the backseat. My childhood stuffed animal Mr. Binkles ALWAYS rides shotgun.
7. Funny story: I took an aspirin about 20 minutes ago for my headache, and I just realized it might have been a PM pill. I guess we’ll find out soon enough!
8. You look JUST like my 6th grade social studies teacher, Mrs. Clunkerfeld. Except she was in way better shape.
9. Want to see me steer with my elbows?
10. My parents wouldn’t let me use their car for the test since I already crashed it twice. Fortunately, I found this one idling in a parking lot with the keys still in the ignition—talk about luck!
11. Would you mind if I drive with my shoes off? I’ve got a really bad case of athlete’s foot and I kind of just want to let them air out.
12. My mom gave birth to my little brother right where you’re sitting.
13. I realize that I failed my first road test because when a bee flew through my window, I jumped out of the car while it was still moving. But I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same thing if it happened again.
14. I’ve never actually driven a car before, but I’ve been playing Mario Kart since I was 6. I hear it’s basically the same thing.
15. I would have had my license a long time ago if it weren’t for my chronic narcolepsy.
16. All of my friends are waiting for me to give them a ride to the beach after this. So, no pressure, but I kind of need you to pass me.
Have you taken your driver’s test yet? Got any more things to add to this list?