We’ve all been there: you’re going about your business when suddenly, your digestive system decides to kick into reverse, leaving you and everything within a five foot radius covered in a putrid concoction of Fruit Loops, bologna, Go-Gurt, and some other things you can’t recall eating (Pickles? YOU DON’T EVEN EAT PICKLES!).
Maybe it was food poisoning or a nasty flu. Maybe you just didn’t realize riding “The Zipper” was a mistake until the carnival attendee was pulling the emergency break mid-ride upon seeing your regurgitated breakfast become airborne, and you then had to spend the day wearing pants soaked in hot pink puke (damn you, Special K Red Berries!) and trying to suppress blubbery sobs while your friends deliberately walked 10 feet ahead of you (That hasn’t happened to you guys? Okay, never mind).
Whatever the cause of your upchucking, there’s no better way to recover than unleashing one of these awesome lines on disgusted witnesses and vomit-drenched victims.
1. I’m really sorry about that. But I felt it coming up, and your purse was the only thing nearby.
2. Is it… purple? When did I eat something purple? I don’t remember eating anything purple. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?
3. Whew! Glad there’s no blood this time.
4. The funny thing about me puking on your pants is that it actually looks like you’re the one that barfed. You must feel really embarrassed right now.
5. Well, that was unfortunate. But I think our date can only get better from here.
6. Whoops! I guess seeing your face has that affect on me.
7. Sorry, mom… I have really bad morning sickness. What? Isn’t morning sickness just when you barf before noon? Why are you crying? No, wait! DON’T CALL DAD!
8. I swear that’s the first time this has ever happened to me. I mean, I’ve thrown up before. Just never in someone’s mouth.
9. Well, it was at least lucky that I hurled on your shoes. Why? Cause I could have hurled on my shoes, instead. That would have REALLY sucked.
10. Did you know people say that throwing up in class is good luck? Okay, well, only I say that. But while I was doubled over, dry heaving, I found five bucks under my desk. I’d say that’s pretty lucky.
Oh man, we can’t wait to use these babies. LET THE BARF-FEST BEGIN!