With the end of summer approaching us at speeds verging on the tragically fast, we’ve all got our fair share of planning, scheming, and shopping to do to get ready for the next academic year. While planning and scheming are all well and good (We’re looking at you, Ice King), we’ve always been partial to a bit of shopping ourselves.
Sure, there are the essentials (notebooks, pens, and a new backpack rank high), but what about all those nonessential goodies that make the school year that much less painful? We’ve compiled a list of 7 items for your back to school shopping wish list, each one guaranteed to make this coming year a stellar one.
1. Helper Monkey. Sure, your backpack is great for hauling items to and from class, and your locker is also okay for dropping off some of your excess baggage. But as we all know, there are just too many hours in the day, and too many books to juggle. That’s why we suggest you enlist this sassy helper monkey! He looks hilarious carrying your algebra textbook, and if you decide to end class early, he’s excellent at hurling (soft) objects at teachers. Such as his own feces.
2. Litter and Carriers. Yeah, you’re kind of over being dropped off by a parental, and the bus lacks a certain panache. We couldn’t agree more. That’s why we bought you this royal person carrier AND three burly hunks to carry you in it. What’s that? Of course we’re holding hunk auditions—we wouldn’t want you to miss out on what is possibly the best part of this whole scenario. (#beefcakecasting)
3. Personal Chef. It’s true that lukewarm tater tots hold a certain, ironic appeal, but there’s no explaining away the tepid tuna sandwich you’ve been lugging around at the bottom of your bag. Go ahead and feed that noise to the helper monkey, and hire the celebrity chef of your choosing. In our mind, he’s Gordon Ramsey, and, as such, is screaming at the Helper Monkey for oversalting a pot of risotto.
4. Human-Sized Hamster Ball. A return to school means once again doing battle with the common cold. You can Purell the heck out of your grimy mitts all you want, but that ain’t gonna stop the Barrel Of Awesome sitting behind you from sneezing on the back of your neck at will. It’s cool, though, because we bought you this giant hamster ball to frolic in! Not only does it ward off germs, but it does wonders for your cardio workout! Just avoid stairs.
5. Nobel Laureate tutor. Your friends spend their after-school hours making flashcards and banging their heads against their computer screens in a vain effort to learn “all of the things.” But you’re not sweating it, because you’ve got the Nobel Laureate of your choosing helping you study in style. They’re also making you a killer decaf latte, because in our minds, this is something that laureates are just really, really good at.
6. Jacuzzi. It’s 2:30. and you’re supposed to be on your way to AP Bio, you brainy creature, you! But instead of high-tailing it toward the faux-lab, you stop dead in your tracks and bellow, “STOP! It’s JACUZZI TIME!” Then a jacuzzi is rolled down the hall to you while you just laugh and laugh. We’re still working out the logistics on this one.
7. Hype Man. If you had a hype man, you could spare your vocal chords the bellowing necessary for #6. Instead, while you engage in a nice, early afternoon sweat-n-soak, your hype man would stand outside the Jacuzzi repeatedly reminding everyone that it is, in fact, your birthday, and as a shortie, you are going to continue partying as though it were your birthday.
What crazy stuff would you add to the ultimate back-to-school wish list?