High school is like a bizarre, lawless, alternate-reality nightmare dungeon. Everyone’s cooped up for seven hours a day and force-fed information about things like the Dust Bowl and trigonometry. It’s no surprise that things sometimes get a little weird. That’s how we all wind up with stories about people setting off stink bombs in the cafeteria, or hooking up in the library, or filling lockers with pudding. You know. Something.
When I was in high school, we had… I don’t know how to put this problem delicately, so I’m just going to say it: we had a phantom pooper. A caped crapper, if you will. This is about to get gross, and I’m sorry. Someone (we never did find out who) would go into one of the bathrooms, do their sordid business, and then smear the results of said business all over the walls, the sinks, the mirrors, just anywhere that fecal matter was not supposed to be. And I don’t mean that this happened once or twice. I mean this happened routinely, all four years that I attended this school. It just became a thing. Occasionally you’d go to the bathroom and find that it was out of order because the menace had struck again. I think I spent a solid 30% of my high school career trekking through hallways in search of a bathroom that this mystery person had not yet managed to defile. The school even installed cameras and still couldn’t catch them, which is actually kind of incredible.
I know you have questions. Did they…? I mean, how exactly…? But look, all I can say is don’t think about it too much, because the specifics become a logistical nightmare.
I can’t speak to whether this person was on a solo mission or part of a team—an elite fighting force. I do know that they hit up both the boys’ bathrooms and the girls’ bathrooms equally. This, combined with common sense and basic human decency, is why the bathroom controversy that’s such a hot topic in North Carolina makes zero sense to me. Once you’ve seen the things that I’ve seen, you don’t care who’s using which bathroom as long as nobody’s making a turd mosaic.
So what’s your thing? I know your school has a thing. Every school in America has a thing. Come on. Lay it on me. What’s the weirdest thing that you’ve had to put up with so far on this long, winding road to graduation?
OH GAWD, THIS TAKE DISGUSTING TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL. Please tell us that the weird thing that happened at your high school is at least 456% less gross. PLEASE.