The immense Hobbit franchise (one small book tasked with carrying so many minutes of celluloid) has at last come to an end (unless we can get Stephen Colbert to direct a Silmarillion movie), but our obsession lives on in the Undying Lands. Throughout our marathon viewings of Lord of the Rings and waiting in line to see the entirely unnecessary but welcome three Hobbit films, there’s one question we kept asking ourselves:
Am I a hobbit?
Let’s find out.
1. Your dream house is:
a. Country-chic with zero right angles.
b. My family’s big old mansion that I’m set to inherit, probably.
c. Not a house, but a forest, and a road to travel through it.
d. Built among the treetops with centuries-old magic.
2. Your favorite meal of the day is:
a. All of them. Every single one.
b. Second breakfast, because it’s pretty rare these days.
c. The Old Toby you share with your best buddy after a good day.
d. Whenever Lembas bread is served.
3. On an unexpected journey, your weapon of choice is:
a. A small but deadly magic sword.
b. A dagger on a wee belt.
c. A dual-wield of melee and magic.
d. Being every type of rogue.
4. Thoughts on tall people?
a. I wish they’d leave us alone.
b. So helpful. Better than pack mules for making it across snowy landscapes.
c. There are more pressing matters with which you should concern yourself.
d. Preferred for their improved ability to draw longbows.
5. On a Friday night, you:
a. Stay at home and read by the fire.
b. Hit up the local watering hole to dance on tables and cause a ruckus.
c. Channel your pyromanic tendencies into firework construction.
d. Sing songs, read poetry, and braid the hair of your friends.
6. Pick the most important word:
7. How are your relatives?
a. After all my worldly possessions, I expect.
b. Ask them; they’re on this journey with me.
c. I don’t have a family, but I constantly bail my friends out of trouble. Does that count?
d. Still beautiful.
8. Your favorite way to cause a diversion is:
a. Stalling as you answer riddles.
b. Throwing rocks.
c. Projectile sparkles.
d. Surfing down the nearest flight of stairs on a shield.
9. Your favorite item in your house is:
a. The portrait of your parents on the mantelpiece.
b. The sweet armor you brought back from Gondor.
c. My crystal flashlight.
d. My hairbrush.
10. How do you feel about shiny jewelry?
a. Nothing. No feelings. I don’t want to talk about it.
b. Fine, I guess?
c. It will bring the doom of Mordor upon us.
d. Braid it into my hair, and we’ll talk.
You are a classic hobbit, in the mold of Bilbo
Congratulations, you’re a classic hobbit! You love creature comforts like cozy living rooms, reliable weaponry, and six square meals a day. We do think you ought to try your hand at an adventure—you’d probably be great at it. All that fireside reading will come in handy when you need to answer riddles to survive!
You are an adventuresome hobbit
While you still enjoy the trappings of a classic hobbit lifestyle, you’re ready for something beyond the borders of your teensy pastoral town. You’d make a clever and resourceful adventurer, and people would sing songs of your deeds for generations to come. Who knows, by the time you return, you could be taller, too.
You are an honorary hobbit, steeped in the wisdom of Gandalf
You’re not actually a hobbit, but most of them love you anyway. You’re at least welcome in the Shire, particularly when you bring magic fireworks that scare the living daylights out of its residents. Keep on dancin’ and smokin” with the locals, you centuries-old wizard, you.
What are you doing here? You’re an elf
By our reckoning, you’re tall, graceful, and your hair is perfect. Ergo, you are definitely not a hobbit. You’re definitely an elf. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be prancing across a barren landscape or verbally sparring a dwarf who later becomes your best friend? We thought so.
A combination of answers
Do you have any evil jewelry laying around? Better grab it and drop it in the nearest volcano, because you’re the entire Fellowship. (Score!)