Chapter Twelve: Some People Just Don’t Grasp the Concept of “Unwelcome” Bella’s Title: Fragile Fragility
Seth and Jacob are still patrolling the Cullen property, looking for the suddenly evil werewolves. Again, it’s not explained why Emmett and Jasper aren’t helping out. I’m not sure what they’re doing inside the house. Maybe Jasper is in the middle of a jigsaw puzzle, and Emmett is busy making razor-sharp boomerangs that he calls “Doom-erangs.” Or maybe Stephenie Meyer doesn’t like having too many characters “on screen” because it gives her a headache.
Suddenly, Wolf Leah shows up, and she begins to bicker with Jacob and her brother Seth. After some teasing, she tells them that she left Sam’s pack and wants to join Jacob’s pack, which I have called The Red Barons. Jacob hates the idea, because he doesn’t like Leah. She’s mean, bossy, and an all-around miserable werewolf.
But the way she fights with Jacob makes me think that these two may eventually fall in love. I hope I’m wrong, because Jacob should marry someone awesome, like Wonder Woman or Paula Dean.
Leah doesn’t want to be a part of Sam’s pack (she had reasons, but I don’t remember any of them, so let’s say she left because of dragons). She had no place else to go except to Jacob and Seth. She hates the vampires, and doesn’t think helping the Cullens is a wise move, but she’s also protective of her little brother, Seth. Pages and pages pass, and eventually Jacob allows her to join The Red Barons.
Seth and Leah continue their patrol, and Jacob transforms back into a human to talk with Edward and walks up to the Cullen house. But instead of Edward, Jacob is greeted at the door by Dr. Cullen. Before going inside, Carlisle and Jacob sit on the porch and Jacob can hear noises inside the house. He listens to Alice, Emmett, and Jasper talking. He listens to Esme humming. And he listens to Edward and Rosalie breathing.
But vampires don’t breathe. Maybe Jacob mistakenly heard Edward and Rose modestly farting. Or maybe Stephenie Meyer can’t keep even the simplest details of her story straight.
And then Carlisle and Jacob start talking abortion.
Once again, I’m not going to discuss abortion. Instead, here’s a poem about wizards.
By Daniel Adam Bergstein
Harry Potter is strong and gifted with power.
He can do marvelous things, make enemies cower.
But he doesn’t know math; they don’t teach that at ‘Warts.
So I’m wiser than he, and his mathless cohorts.
Suck on that, Mr. Potter. You’re not so great.
What good is a wand, if you can’t calculate?
Run away with your spells and philosopher rocks.
I’ll rule your world with a basic knowledge of stocks.
After Carlisle and Jake chit-chat about abortion (in a roundabout way), Carlisle asks a typical question I get asked a few times each day: Did you study chromosomal pairs?
Jake quickly responds, “Yes. We have twenty-three, right?”
I think Stephenie Meyer stopped writing these books after the second chapter of New Moon, and simply set her computer to auto-pilot. Or she wrote this book in Russian, had it translated into French, and then into German, Latin, Elvish, and then back into Russian, and then had it translated into English. How else could you explain this awkward, forced dialogue?
Anyway, Carlisle explains that vampires have 25 chromosomal pairs, as opposed to human beings, who have only 23. (I just checked, and I have 15 on my front, and I can’t tell how many are on my back, but it feels like 8.)
I’m not a scientist, but this seems to make sense. Vampires are immortal, drink blood, have super strength, run faster than a car, read minds, and predict the future simply because they have two extra chromosomes. Yep. That explains it. (Both sarcasm hands raised, and I typed this by crying tears of frustration onto my keyboard at a velocity strong enough to press the keys.)
Now, along with, “Because Bella loves Edward,” we can add “Vampires have two extra chromosomes,” to the list of answers to my Twilight questions.
Why do the Cullens keep going to high school? Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Why is Bella immune to some, but not all vampire powers? Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
How can the Cullens travel on airplanes and go to Florida without glittering? Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Why won’t Alice’s powers work on werewolves? Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Why don’t the Vulturi kill the Cullens? Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Where do werewolf tails go? Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Jacob asks how many chromosomes werewolves have, and Carlisle says 24. Ooh! That explains why my calf flexing hasn’t turned me into a werewolf. I need another chromosome. Can I borrow someone’s chromosome? I’ll give it back. I just want to try something. You can give me one that you don’t need. The chromosome that controls hair growth, for instance. You don’t need your hair to grow today, right?
I’ll trade you half a Pop-Tart for it? The Pop-Tart is S’more flavored! Wait. Hold on! Are there extra chromosomes in S’more flavored Pop-Tarts? I have an idea! I’ll be right back! Squeeeeeeeee!
[17 minutes later]
Not sure if it’s working yet. But after eating an entire box of Pop-Tarts, I can feel something stirring inside me. Could be the sugar. Could be the extra chromosomes. It’s hard to tell. Though I am hyper. WANNA RIDE BIKES?
Carlisle doesn’t know if Bella’s child, Optimus Beyonce, is going to be more human or more vampire, and Rosalie won’t let him study the fetus, or even let him examine some amniotic fluid, because Rosalie is as sensible as Bella. So Carlisle has no idea what will happen, but he does know the baby is starving, and Bella is starving too.
Gee. I wonder why the baby is starving. I can’t imagine what a baby that is part vampire would want to eat. Hmm. That’s a real stumper. Not even if Sherlock Holmes teamed up with Batman and CSI: Miami could this riddle be solved.
Oh wait. The baby wants blood.
Carlisle and the rest of the Cullens are too dense to realize that the fetus wants blood. How could they not consider this? (Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.) Perhaps they’re too busy dreaming about high school and being apathetic towards the countless humans being killed in Italy at the hands of the Volturi, one of whom was probably an unorthodox English teacher who not only taught his students about literature, but also taught his students about life. Carpe Diem!
Jacob is the only one wise enough to realize that Optimus Beyonce is hungry for blood. Once Jake shares this mind thought with Edward, Eddie snaps out of being a sad, worthless, jerk nugget and jumps into action. He quickly explains Jacob’s idea to Carlisle and Rose. And everyone cheers, “Jacob, you are the wisest of all beings. Praise onto you, our sage. Yours is the mind of a genius!” Just kidding.
Jake doesn’t want to take credit for the idea, because he thinks it’s gross. The only way they can get blood to the fetus is by making Bella drink it. Of course, if the baby is really hungry for blood, why wouldn’t it bite Bella from the inside? Isn’t Bella suppose to be the smelliest, most amazing vampire treat in all the land? Perhaps the child doesn’t want to drink its mother’s blood. But still, why couldn’t they pump the blood into Bella intravenously?
Oh right. Because that wouldn’t be as interesting/gory/gross and because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Edward and Rose approach Bella with this idea. Bella seems fine with it, and considers it her first act of vampirism. The chapter ends with Bella getting ready to chug some blood.
The Cullens don’t know why their house plant is dying.
EDWARD: My beloved house plant. It’s…dying! JACOB: Maybe it needs to be watered? CARLISLE: Watered with milk? JACOB: No, with water. CARLISLE: Salty water? JACOB: No, regular water. CARLISLE: And do we place a cup of water near the plant, and give the plant a bendy straw? JASPER: Maybe if we move sideways… JACOB: No, you pour the water into the soil. ESME: How much vinegar do we use? JACOB: None. Just use water. ALICE: Cinnamon is a type of water, right? I’ll go get cinnamon… JACOB: No. CARLISLE: What if we kill the plant with fire? That way, the water could put out the fire. JASPER: That makes sense. I’ll get the fire. ROSE: No! We must give the plant a chance to live! Let’s just wait and see what happens. BELLA: Magic love might cure the plant. If I love the plant hard enough, it will live. [BELLA SHUTS HER EYES VIGOROUSLY, TRYING TO USE MAGIC LOVE POWERS] Grrr….love, love, love. JACOB: You just pour regular tap water on the plant. ESME: This sounds dangerous. I’d better hum. CARLILSE: There’s water in soup. Should I make soup and then pour the soup onto the floor near the plant? JASPER: Moving sideways will help significantly. EMMETT: Guys! Shut up! I’m trying to make arrows out frozen snakes! QUIL: My girlfriend can’t pronounce “spaghetti” correctly.
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