Did we all already know that Chris Hemsworth was the sexiest guy in the world? OF COURSE WE DID. WE HAVE EYES. But today, he went from “Chelsea Dagger’s Trombone-Playing Boyfriend” to ACTUAL HOTTEST PERSON DRAWING BREATH ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH, AS PROCLAIMED BY PEOPLE MAGAZINE (but he’s still Chelsea’s boyfriend, so don’t get any ideas).
The god of thunder announced his new title on a special segment of Jimmy Kimmel Live, saying he was flattered, thanking former Sexiest Man Matt Damon for teaching him the invaluable sexy skills of squinting and lip-pursing, and giving a shoutout to his parents for “putting this together.” (So he’s absurdly good-looking AND hilarious. PUMP THE BRAKES AND GIVE THE REST OF US A CHANCE, CHRIS.) In his official interview with People, he climbed in and out of a truck in a jaw-droppingly attractive way, then mentioned his concern that he’d hit the peak of his sexiness several years ago, and is now past his prime.
IF YOU HAD ANY MORE ABS THEN YOU WOULD ONLY BE ABS. YOU WOULD BE A GIANT WASHBOARD STOMACH, AND WE WOULD SORELY MISS YOUR FACE.
MOVING ON. As is customary, Chris was given the award after proving his worth by lifting Sexy Mjolnir, the hammer that can only be held by those it deems sexiest. And speaking of Marvel references, People also gave “Sexy” honorable mentions to Chris’s godly Thor co-star Idris Elba, as well as fellow Marvel leading man Chris Pratt.
In other news, Marvel considered announcing a new Sexy Avengers movie, before realizing that they already had one. It’s called The Avengers. BOOM.