SparkNotes Blog

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Hemsworth Is The Sexiest Man Alive! (Like, Officially. There Was A Vote.)

Did we all already know that Chris Hemsworth was the sexiest guy in the world? OF COURSE WE DID. WE HAVE EYES. But today, he went from “Chelsea Dagger’s Trombone-Playing Boyfriend” to ACTUAL HOTTEST PERSON DRAWING BREATH ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH, AS PROCLAIMED BY PEOPLE MAGAZINE (but he’s still Chelsea’s boyfriend, so don’t get any ideas).

The god of thunder announced his new title on a special segment of Jimmy Kimmel Live, saying he was flattered, thanking former Sexiest Man Matt Damon for teaching him the invaluable sexy skills of squinting and lip-pursing, and giving a shoutout to his parents for “putting this together.” (So he’s absurdly good-looking AND hilarious. PUMP THE BRAKES AND GIVE THE REST OF US A CHANCE, CHRIS.) In his official interview with People, he climbed in and out of a truck in a jaw-droppingly attractive way, then mentioned his concern that he’d hit the peak of his sexiness several years ago, and is now past his prime.

To which our response is: OH REALLY?! Pray tell, Chris: how is it possible that you could have ever been sexier than you are currently? Did you used to be an actual god? Were you somehow a CUTER giggler?  Did you have more abs? HOW COULD YOU HAVE HAD MORE ABS?! Look at how many abs you have now!

IF YOU HAD ANY MORE ABS THEN YOU WOULD ONLY BE ABS. YOU WOULD BE A GIANT WASHBOARD STOMACH, AND WE WOULD SORELY MISS YOUR FACE.

MOVING ON. As is customary, Chris was given the award after proving his worth by lifting Sexy Mjolnir, the hammer that can only be held by those it deems sexiest. And speaking of Marvel references, People also gave “Sexy” honorable mentions to Chris’s godly Thor co-star Idris Elba, as well as fellow Marvel leading man Chris Pratt.

In other news, Marvel considered announcing a new Sexy Avengers movie, before realizing that they already had one. It’s called The Avengers. BOOM.

Via People Magazine

Do you think Chris deserves the title of Sexiest Man Alive? (RHETORICAL QUESTION. THE ANSWER IS DUH.) We can’t wait to see our favorite Hemsworth brother (EXCEPT FOR LIAM, OF COURSE) in a bunch of upcoming films, including Blackhat and In the Heart of the Sea!