LOOK, we get it. You don’t think the classics are interesting enough. You want something EXTREME. You want something HARDCORE. You want something GRITTY and GRIM and SO EMO IT FROWNS AT ITS OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY. Well we have just the solution for you. Presenting: classic books brought back as gritty reboots!
The Great Gatsby: Vengeance
Nick Carraway is a Yale graduate who has come to the West Egg because he has nothing left to lose! He meets a cyborg millionaire by the name of Gatsby and together they work together to unseat corrupt drug lord Tom Buchanan using the only language he understands: machine guns! Also the green light has an eye patch now.
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer: Vengeance
Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn take a ride down a river… OF BLOOD! They explore the post-apocalyptic landscape of the American South, killing zombies and mutants along the way. At one point, Tom Sawyer tricks all the other other mutants into painting a fence with acid.
The Giving Tree: Vengeance
This time, it’s the tree that’s making useful items out of the boy! Don’t think about it too hard and maybe avoid this book. It’s kind of messed up.
Crime and Punishment: Vengeance
This time Raskolnikov doesn’t just murder a little old lady. He goes after everyone in Russia! It’s up to the royal inspector cyborgs to stop him with their orbital lasers! Pew pew pew! BOOM BOOM!
To Kill a Mockingbird: Vengeance
Atticus Finch is the only lawyer willing to defend an innocent African American man against a society that doesn’t regard him as fully human. From behind the wheel of his X7 Mockingbird Class helicopter, he rains bullets down on injustice!
The Stranger: Vengeance
This time Meursault kills TWO random people for no reason.
Green Eggs and Ham: Vengeance
Sam I Am tries to get the narrator to try green eggs and ham, but the narrator responds a little more forcefully. Sam I Am does not ask again.
Fourth Grade American History Textbook: Vengeance
The founding fathers are tired of being taxed without representation, so they take matters into their own hands with the Boston Tea Party. However, instead of tea they throw missiles at England with their bare hands. Eventually King George turns into a giant lizard and fights a giant robot made up of five smaller robots piloted by Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and Alexander Hamilton, respectively.
A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Vengeance
Fairies put a bunch of people to sleep causing them to LIVE IN A NIGHTMARE FROM WHICH THEY NEVER WAKE UP!
Moby Dick: Vengeance
Captain Ahab and the whale team up after their families are murdered by a cop on the WRONG SIDE OF THE LAW. Have you ever read about a whale using a bazooka before? Well now’s your chance!
The Pit And The Pendulum: Happy Time Party
If you try to make something gritty that’s already gritty then it backfires and becomes nice and cuddly. This is the story of a man being brought into a pit where a surprise party is waiting for him! Ice cream cake. Oh man now we want ice cream cake… what were we talking about again?
What are some ideas you have for gritty book reboots?