Despite the best efforts of your guidance counselor, you are likely doomed to study four years of mathematics at university and end up a professional pet neuterer—the crystal ball is indeed cloudy, with a chance of meatballs. The reason it is so difficult to predict the future is that seemingly small choices made yesterday have large ramifications for today (imagine what would have happened to the world if Marty McFly dated his mother X_X). But your little personality quirks (you know, the things that drive your little brother CRAZY like your night-time mouth-breathing) give us a clear map of where you will end up. Make your way through this flow chart, and then mouth-breathe-in your future life below.
You will attend Line-Chart University and join the rat race as a high-flying investment banker, only to become disillusioned at the brightness of your refrigerator and dowdy penthouse views at age 26, dropping out and pursuing phrenology, the ancient art of head bump-reading. From there, you will make friends with a Brazilian traveler who will offer you three differently colored stones. Pick the BLUE one. PICK THE BLUE STONE!
YOU GOT MAINE
In ten years, you are going to be in Maine. You won’t BE Maine. This is an important distinction. Also, you won’t just be passing through the state, but either a) living there or b) doing important business from inside a lobster shack. If you have green eyes, you will become the most coveted dresser in Maine. Everyone will flock to the state to take a peep at your glorious gowns. If you have blue eyes, you will be the proud owner of the world’s oldest ball of twine. Turn your house into a museum and charge tourists $5 a pop to view the relic. If you have brown eyes, you are doing very important business in the state which we must not discuss here BECAUSE TO DO SO COULD LITERALLY TEAR THE FABRIC OF SPACE AND TIME AS WE KNOW IT.
YOU GOT BUYING HATS
You are a secret service agent living undercover as a ship builder; you go by the nickname “Monkey Biz.” At this very moment ten years from now, you will be buying hats for your new life, as well as numerous “back up” hats in case you need to change identities quick and flee to Arizona. Details of your mission are murky, but we know that you own a cat named Noodles and wear Snuggies on your off hours.