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Four Reasons Why Breaking Dawn Will Rock Your Socks Off

Nicole_Lyn is really looking forward to the next Twilight movie. (Bet you never thought you’d see THAT sentence on SparkLife!)—Sparkitors

It’s pretty much become a widely accepted fact that the Twilight “saga” (that word is way too epic for those books.) sucks, right? Twi-hards seem to be a thing of the past; sanity has regained his role as king, cackling fan girls have decided that Justin Beiber is so much hotter than Edward Cullen, and the literary universe righted itself  a while back, if my lack of research is correct. Yeah, there are still some people who insist that Stephenie Meyer is a genius, but they’re thankfully part of the minority (along with mimes and people who like cats better than dogs). The Twilight movies will soon be over as well, and the series will finally die like it’s been trying to do for quite some time.

That being said, I am seriously looking forward to the Breaking Dawn movie. Oh, excuse me, Breaking Dawn: Part I. Fo realz.

Wait! You don’t have to ostracize me from the interwebs just yet! Just let me explain! And if my explanation isn’t deemed sufficient by the end of this post, then I will do the only logical thing and go live amongst the elk in Alaska, never to be seen by society again, becoming an awesome urban legend in the process. Without further adieu, here are the top four reasons why the first Breaking Dawn movie will rock your socks off.

The Dialogue [ . . .pause . . . ] Will Rule. I do believe that the script for this particular film will be astounding in its depth and emotional significance, utilizing common vernacular and colloquialisms to paint a deep-felt story of love lost and gained, of victory and sacrifice—perfectly reflecting the main characters’ inner turmoil as they struggle with their own personal demons. And this joke is tired already.

The dialogue is going to suck, everyone knows that. And the fault is to be placed on the source material; the writers have to write stuff that Edward and Bella would say, the actors have to say those things, and it’s just their crappy luck that Edward and Bella say things along the lines of, “I will only love you forever [insert ungodly long pause here] and forever I will be with you, and our love will never die even though I don’t deserve you because I’m a soulless monster/unworthy teenage girl.” But bad dialogue is only the tip of the iceberg here, my friends.

Bloody Vampire Baby Birth Scene! Yes! Here it is, people: nonviolent housewife Stephenie Meyer’s dream finally translated to the big screen! Renfield’s birth is officially going to be immortalized on film! We’re going to see proud-mother-of-hellspawn Bella die a horrible, painful, monster-ripping-out-of-her-uterus-and-breaking-her-spine death. Which I’m sure is how we all wanted to see her character go—either that or in that reverse bear trap thing from Saw.

Yeah, she comes back later, but that would probably mark the end of Part I; we can rest easy for a nice long while under the delusions that Bella actually died and we are rid of her forever.

Edward Gets to Make an Even Bigger Ass Out of Himself. Because most people have the memory of a mudpuppy, I feel inclined to mention once again that the birth of Rhodanthe will most likely be mock-worthy in its execution even if it does leave you feeling like you want to vomit afterwards. So take that particular sensation and multiply it by about seventeen, and then you’ll get the entertaining/awkwardness level of the real star of Twilight: Edward Cullen.

You’ll see him do fantastical things never before done in the Twilight films: refusing Bella sex, guilt-tripping Bella for being too desirable, not taking Bella’s own wishes into consideration before acting, being charmingly modest about his abilities, and treating everyone with cheeky disdain. Oh, wait…

They. Break. The. Bed. This is pretty self-explanatory. They break their frickin’ bed. Two things you should know: it is possible to be sexual without being sexy in the slightest (this is one of those times), and your first time will not end with a broken bed even if you’re a vampire. Yes, out of everything that happened in this series, it was the bed-breaking that tested my suspension of disbelief. You’ve seen the teaser trailer. You know what the scene looks like. It was hilariously over the top in the book, and it looks like it’s going to be hilariously over the top in the film as well.

And that’s what this series as a whole boils down to when you think about it—hilarity. The dialogue is laughable, the characters are at soap opera levels of melodrama, the situations are ludicrous, and it all makes for a good time watching this movie with friends and riffing it to hell and back. It’s not a good series by any means, but it has done some good in that it has brought people together, united them with its utter terribleness, and given us all a common target of ridicule.

Did I convince you that Breaking Dawn will be awesome? Do I need to start packing my all-purpose hiking boots and acquire a taste for tree bark and raw fish? Do I need to start emotionally preparing myself for a lifetime of solitary wandering? Get back to me.

We don’t think you’ll be needing to book a one-way ticket to Alaska, Nicole—we’re pretty sure the Sparklerinos will agree with you, as long as they interpret the word “awesome” loosely. RIGHT, GUYS?

Related post: Blogging Breaking Dawn

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