What we meant to say is: literary-minded shirtmaker Novel-T has released a lineup of baseball jerseys that feature the names of authors and literary characters (instead of, like, actual baseball players). If you’ve ever wondered which infield position Hester Prynne would be best suited to, or who’d be the ideal catcher for Captain Ahab’s knuckleball (duh!), you can click here for a look at the full ballfield.
There’s just one problem: this lineup of literary heavyweights has nobody to play against! So we, your SparkNotes editors, have taken it upon ourselves to create our own team of bookish participants, ready to take on the Novel-T’s in the World Series of Book Baseball.
(The following should be read in an old-school sports announcer voice. Thank you.)
And the SparkNotes take the field!
At first base, the big lefty from Oklahoma, number 11—it’s Tom Joad! Just don’t take too big of a lead, son, or he’ll likely kill you.
And we’d better hope that none of the Earnshaw family are playing for the other team, because at second base, pacing angrily and kicking up dirt, here’s number 2—Heathcliff! Boy, he looks pissed.
Taking the bag at third base, with a cannon arm and quick feet, this little woman is ready to play ball: Louisa May Alcott, number 5.
And behind her, stretching his legs at shortstop, it’s number 3…Owen Meany! Don’t let his size fool you; he’s a jumper. Although we’re a little surprised to see him here, considering what happened the last time he played baseball…
Anyway! On the outfield grass, tossing a ball back and forth, we’ve got our left and center fielders: Jane Eyre, number 17, and Juliet Capulet, back from the dead and sporting number 3!
And in right field, here comes Gabriel Garcia Marquez, number 100. He looks a little lonely.
At catcher— no surprise here, we’ve got Yossarian, wearing the obvious number 22.
And pitching today, ready to throw all kinds of crazy whatsis, wearing number 1 and—if I dare say so—looking daaaaamn fine in his baseball britches… Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy! OHMIGOD. This is going to be a hell of a game, kids.
Who’s on your literary dream team? Tell us in the comments!