So you’re stuck at home alone all weekend? Your friends are at a bowling party, and you’re allergic to bowling balls? Your siblings have mysteriously vanished, saying something about getting signed to a record label? Your parents have gone to a rave, and taken the car keys? There’s a public transport strike, and the outside world has been overrun with rabid flesh-eating spiders? “I’m bored and lonely and hungry and everyone is having fun except ME!” you say?! Well, unsay it! We’re here to teach you how to appreciate the heck out of your loneliness! (Next week: How to appreciate rabid flesh-eating spiders.)
Step 1:Stop calling it “loneliness.” Call it “me time,” “personal bonding hours,” “‘I’m wearing nothing but a blanket as a cape and you can’t stop me’ day,” anything at all, as long as it’s positive.
Step 2: Do not walk about your house in your usual fashion. Instead, dance! Turn the music up loud and boogie, woogie, and jive your way from couch to kitchen to bathroom and back to the couch. Any length of floor that is long and smooth enough should be traversed by taking a run-up and sliding down it in your socks.
Step 3: Use appliances you don’t normally use. Dig out the blender, the popcorn machine, the toasted sandwich maker, and that thing with all the blades and a picture of a turkey on the box. Create fabulous concoctions using anything and everything in the fridge. Apply food coloring liberally. Edible-ness is optional.
Step 4: Narrate your entire day, and make it epic. “Our hero, faint from hunger and weary from nine hours of watching every season of Dexter back-to-back, steps bravely forth into the cold wasteland of The Stairs. No light penetrates here, and strange flotsam lies underfoot. Alas! What peril is this? A squeaky bone, gnawed by yonder Labrador of Doom! The beast has been roused! It attacks with tongue and feet! Flee, flee!” And so on.
Step 5: If you’re home alone overnight, sleep somewhere other than your bed. Cover the living room floor in couch cushions, or build a blanket fort. Surround yourself with snacks, and watch movies until you pass into a sugar coma. It’s fun, and also slightly awkward when your parents get home early the next day.
Step 6: Wear nothing but a blanket as a cape. We were serious.