aleyna22 never fails to make us laugh and teach us something profound, like the importance of hip-thrusting. Thanks, dude.—Sparkitors
I was lying on my floor, listening to Nirvana and playing those cheesy games that come preloaded on iPods, when a thought popped into my head: there aren’t enough rock stars these days. We need rock stars, and we need them now, or the world will be destroyed by the formidable Bieber Fever, which will turn the majority of the population into swooshy-haired zombies, resulting in an apocalypse no guide could ever prepare you for. We don’t want that to happen, now do we? Of course not. That’s why I ventured out in hopes of finding out how one might become a rockstar. I thought listening to Rihanna’s song Rockstar 101 might help, but she kept telling me the same pointless thing over and over: Baby I’m a rockstar. No honey, you’re not, but these tips might help you out:
1. Get an idea of what a rock star really is. Justin Bieber is not a rockstar. Those guys from Big Time Rush are not rock stars. Spongebob is not a rock star. (Just kidding, you know he is.) Go look at the iTunes list of the top downloaded songs. See those guys? They are not rock stars. You cannot be a rock star unless you live in a year between 1950 and 1999 (or, if you’re a Foo Fighter.) Which leads us to my next lesson in Rockstardom:
3. Get massive curls. If you want to be a rockstar, it’s imperative that you have extremely curly hair. Brian May of Queen’s got it, Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin’s got it, and heck, even Hermione had it at one point! All you need are 5,000 hot rollers, 50 cans of hairspray, and a lot of patience. Of course, instead of waiting for your hair to curl, you could just use your time machine to go into the future. There, your hair has more product in it than Edward Cullen’s, but no worries: it’s also full of shweet rocker cred.
4. Find your iconic look. It’s a well-known fact that every famous rocker must wear eyeliner and strange pants, but to truly be the stuff of legend, you need your own unique and unforgettable fashion staple. You can steal Elton John’s style and stick a pair of Harry Potter glasses from last year’s Halloween costume on your face. Or you can go the Freddie Mercury route and glue a caterpillar to your upper lip (the furry kind, naturally). Or you can take a cue from Marilyn Manson and get a clown to do your makeup. But if these tips are just too subtle for you, be like David Bowie and create your own dang alter ego! When you find yourself doubting your rock star fashion sense, just remember one word: sequins.
5. Get yourself noticed by doing something insane. Ozzy Osbourne tore a bat head off with his mouth during a concert, Krist Novoselic hit himself in the face with his bass during the 1992 VMAs, and John Lennon declared that he was more famous than Jesus. What will you do? Your parents are always complaining about your gutter mouth—put it to good use and make them proud by saying something totally out of line in an interview. Or go the bold route and invest in some jet-packs. The redeeming quality of most rock stars is their ability to do the unprecedented, and buddy, I’ve never seen Steven Tyler fly around stage with a jet-pack. You’d be the first, and Dan Bergstein would surely want to be your groupie.
6. Two Words: Hip Thrust! Rockers equal rebels, and the most rebellious act ever committed was the hip thrust. Parents across the globe will abandon their knitting circles just to burn your records; teenagers will kiss the ground you walk, or rather, hip-thrust on. Don’t believe me? Just ask Elvis Presley.
7. Sing so no one can understand you. This technique has been practiced by many famous rock bands, such as The Beastie Boys and Kurt Cobain. Think about it: Smells Like Teen Spirit is one of the greatest songs ever, but the only legible word in the whole thing is “mosquito.”
8. Go out with a bang. This might possibly be the most morbid lesson you will learn in your quest to become a rock star, yet it is also one of the most essential. To acquire the status of a true rock legend, you must die infamously (use that jet-pack to your advantage). But don’t fret—before you bite the big one, you can use your time machine to go back to the good ol’ days when you were touring Europe in a way-too-tight jump suit.
We’re still working on that time machine, aleyna—we hit a bit of a speed bump when we realized there was math involved in its construction.