SparkNotes Blog

How to Say It: “I’ve Never Been Kissed.”

You’re un-besmooched, your lips have yet to lock, and you’ve never, ever swapped spit. (Well, sort of once, but it was with your orthodontist, and no one could recreate that kind of mouthwash accident.) To sum up, you’re a kissing virgin, and that’s all fine and well, except? Your amazing, wonderful, hot as Hades, rockstar of a BF or GF already has a PhD in Frenching. Aaaaaand you haven’t exactly told him that, compared to you, the Virgin Mary looks like a total skank.

How do you keep your dignity while breaking the news that your lips are as pure as the driven snow? We’re here to help.

1) Realize that it’s not a big deal. You’ve already snagged someone who thinks you’re the bee’s knees, and you guys haven’t even done any tongue wrestling yet. What does that tell you? We’ll translate: this person thinks you’re awesome BECAUSE YOU’RE YOU, and a smooch will just be the icing on the cake. Don’t stress. Your BF/GF is already on your side.

2) Don’t practice. You know that phrase “practice makes perfect”? In this case, it’s only true if you’re working with a living, breathing, human-type partner. Nosy, well-meaning people may give you “helpful advice,” but in spite of their good intentions, don’t do a dry run on your pillow, your hand, or a poster of your dream S.O.—and avoid online kissing videos at all costs. Guess what? When you’re in the moment, your emotions (and a little touch of evolutionary biology) will help you do the right thing.

3) Keep it casual. Try not to trump up the conversation too much in your head. Your nerves can catch up with you in weird ways.

You: So, this pizza is really good, right? Like, really really good?
S.O.: Yeah. It’s pretty good. [pause] Are you okay?
You: FINE. Why?
S.O.: You seem, I don’t know, kind of…tweak-y.
You: ME? TWEAK-Y? No. This pizza, is just, like, SO GOOD. It’s just so good that I’m all, “Ah, soooOOOooogooooood.” I’m like, “NOM NOM NOM Sauce! NOM NOM NOM Cheese! NOM NOM NOM Crust. And toppings.” [silence] They get NOMs, too.
S.O.: Oh.
You: What? I didn’t hear you. Kissing? I mean, pizza? Because it’s so good. SO GOOD. I AM TEH PIZZA MONSTER. ROWRrrr.
S.O.: You said “kissing.” Because—
You: NO. Nope! No uh-uh no way. You must have misheard me, because I said…”blissing.” Like how I’m blissing out on this so so so good pizza kissing. CRUST! Crust.
S.O.: I think you said kissing. You’re acting really weird.
You: YOU’RE WEIRD. Ha ha ha! Weird for pizza! And weird for dating someone who’s never kissed anyone before. I EAT WHOLE PIZZA PLACE, SAYS PIZZA MONSTARRRR. RRRR.
S.O.: You’ve never kissed anyone…?
You: YES. NO. THAT’S CRAZY! I…Errrr—PEPPERONI SOUNDS LIKE RED PEPPER FLAKES BUT THEY ARE DIFFERENT. RRRRRR.
S.O.: I should go.

Yes, it’s a tricky, touchy topic, but you don’t need to turn it into a grand declaration or a nervous breakdown. If the topic comes up on its own, gently work your kissless status in. Or if you find yourself in a cuddly moment, ask her about her first kiss; when she asks you about yours, you can sweetly fess up. You can even say something like, “Good question. I’d really like you to be my first,” and then lean in and get all nuzzle-y. No matter what happens, remember that as soon as you tell your S.O. your big secret, it’ll feel like someone took about 50lbs. off your shoulders. And even if things are a little strange or awkward at first, you’re bound to get lots and lots and lots of time to practice your smoochery.

Good luck, Ye Who Are About to be Kissed! Go forth, chill out, tell the truth in a relaxed way, and enjoy that lip lock!

Have you confessed your lip virginity? How did it go?

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