So you like someone and you wanna tell them—but you’re desperately afraid of rejection? Cue the SECRET ADMIRER NOTE. Normally, we’d be all: have no fear! You’re smart and funny and awesomesauce! This person would be lucky to have you! But you don’t always have to play the hero, yo, and secret admirer notes allow you to hide behind the flattering cloak of anonymity and eat a corndog while you muster up that courage of yours. So let’s kick it old-school and allow the ever-so-elegant written word to jump on that grenade!
Behold: how to write a secret admirer note and not look like a total stalker.
I. The Greeting The secret admirer way:
Address admiree by his/her name. This one might sound obvious, but you don’t know how many secret admirer notes I’ve gotten that started with “Hello, girl with the unicorn hair” (zero, but it would be bad I think).
-Dear Ryan Gosling
-Hey there, fancy-face.
The stalker way:
Anything that objectifies, reveals too much about how much you know about this person, or makes you sound like a criminal.
-Hello, girl with the unicorn hair. (meh)
-Do you always wear that Sixers shirt to bed? (eek)
-Greetings, your skin is inviting. (murderer!)
II. The Opening Line The secret admirer way:
Be breezy! Like the sharks in Finding Nemo (“Fish are friends, not food.”), make up a mantra for yourself. Or, use mine: “Casual, not creepy.” I don’t wanna brag, but it’s a pretty solid mantra because it’s alliterative. Anyway. A gentle opening line to put your admiree at ease is the equivalent of pre-cheesing, which is (obviously) the smaller cheese course we all consume before gently easing ourselves into the whole night of cheese-eating we’ve set for ourselves. Is this just me? Hope not.
I’ll just say it: you’re kinda my favorite.
The stalker way:
Address bad habits they have that you’ve noticed (such as biting their nails or cleaning out their blackheads at night). Start strong with how they’ve made a favorable impression on you, but if they underwent a few small improvements they’d be even better… and what’s more, perfect for your “collection.” Don’t ever elaborate on what said collection is.
So, Ry-Gos. Noticed you’ve been wearing vests lately. You’re looking pretty good, but I think you could rock a fedora even harder. I have some people (let’s call them “friends”) that agree. You’d like them. You’d fit in with them perfectly. How do you feel about basements?
III. The Body The secret admirer way:
This is where you can really set yourself apart from other notes the object of your affection might be getting. Sidenote: maybe do some recon first? If they’re getting, like, truckloads of secret-admirer notes, you might have to think bigger (hot air balloon!) This is not the time to be generic. None of this, “I like your face and smile.” Use your words! It works best if you reference something the two of you have in common or have chatted about before. Extra points if either or both of these things include Star Wars.
I’ve been listening to Dead Man’s Bones a lot lately and your band is pretty great. I’m in a band of my own, actually. Writing music is my favorite way to relax. Also, I agree that The Empire Strikes Back is absolutely the best movie in the Star Wars trilogy.
The stalker way:
Talk a lot about secret facts you know and little quirks they have—stuff no one could possibly know about them. After all, no one else is as attentive as you are. No one else cares as much as you do. No one.
Welcome back to your house, Ry Bread! I noticed you’ve been gone for awhile. When you left on Wednesday morning at 11:36 AM with the blue rolling suitcase, I should’ve figured I wouldn’t see you for a few days. Normally the black tote fits everything you need and more! How’s the work going on that untitled Scorsese project? I think you’re perfect for it. Reading it more angrily worked, trust me.
IV. The Closer The secret admirer way:
The most important thing is to keep this note short and sweet. This is not your Secret Admirer Manifesto. Swoop in, make your point, and get out of there. It should be funny, yet sincere.
So don’t go making a big deal about this or anything, but I didn’t want to let a chance go by to let you know someone around here thinks you’re pretty great (it’s me, in case you weren’t getting that). And one day, I’ll have the nerve to say it to you in person. Maybe.
The stalker way:
Hire Kyra Sedgwick, star of TNT’s hit show “The Closer” to do it for you.
Ok, little goose. You’re a pretty special person and to show you how much I mean it, I want you to please look out your window. No, go ahead, don’t be scared. Actress Kyra Sedgwick has a few things she’d like to say to you.
KYRA: You’re so attractive. There’s only one person in the world for you. Who are you thinking of? Why are you running away? (to herself) Kyra, you’re better than this and your hair is amazing.
Now that we’ve got the wheels turning, here’s a full note to inspire you to write you own.
Hope you don’t mind the note, but I just thought I’d let you know I think you’re pretty great. Basically, you have a Dr. Who poster up in your locker—instant cool points in my book. It’s no big deal, but I didn’t want to let a chance go by to tell you I like you. One day, hopefully soon, I’ll have the nerve to say it to you in person. Maybe.
Is is bad that we really want to use all the “horrible examples”? Have you ever sent a secret admirer note? What did it say?