SparkNotes Blog

Naming My Laptop

When it comes time for us to name our future kids, we’re definitely going to refer to RabidWrackspurt’s list of options.—Sparkitors

One day, as I was slow-roasting a Sarlacc over the fire pit in my living room, my thoughts turned to my companion, my joy, my true love, my reason for living. Yes, I began thinking about my laptop. I wondered if he would like to go Emmetting with me this weekend, and I continued daydreaming until I realized a devastating fact: my laptop didn’t have a name.

This simply wouldn’t do. How was I supposed to daydream properly about the object of my undying affection if he had no name? I concluded that I would certainly die of horror if I didn’t get him a name, and fast. I took him into my arms and began hunting for the perfect moniker.

I started by looking for really manly, sexy names, but Raphael and Donatello didn’t seem to fit. I considered dozens of Italian, German, and Scottish names, and I thought long and hard before settling on Duncan, after Duncan McLeod (the Highlander).

But then my dad thought of Duncan Hines.

I couldn’t let my epic laptop be associated with anything edible and/or sugary!  I was setting myself up for unending taunts and utter ruin. I had to pick something better.

I decided to quit sexy names and try out some BA ones instead. I looked around for stuff. I Googled things. I even checked Yahoo! Answers and comic forums. I thought about some over-the-top names like Dark Smoke Puncher. I briefly wondered if Logan might be a good manly name (if it’s good enough for Wolverine, it’s good enough for me).

Then, thinking of SparkNotes, I tried Dan, Emmett, Dagger, Crowther, Mankler, and even Grudzy ( I know the intern is a girl, but jgrudzy just sounds manly for some reason). None of them worked. I felt despondent. I was locked in the Pit of Despair with no hope of a Spaniard or a giant to help me out. The horror!

And then it came to me: Frangus.

Frangus is a beautiful name. It sounds like the name of the lost Weasley child. It evokes images of a tall, rangy, somewhat grungy hunk (think Aragorn-esque) with blazing red hair, a legendary sword, and a breathtaking Scottish accent. It was also, as some may recall, from a Sparticle made of pure awesomeness. It just fit perfectly.

Finally, I could run my fingers over his perfect keys, his tantalizing trackpad, his twin USB ports, and whisper his name. I could let my eyes rove over his screen and let his name repeat endlessly in my head like the reflection you get when you’re between two spotless mirrors. Ah, Frangus…

And that is how my laptop got his name.

Ohhhhhhkay, Rabid, pump the brakes. You’re dangerously close to falling in love with a machine. What would you name your laptop, Sparklers?

Related post: How To Name Inanimate Objects