SparkNotes Blog

Phi Beta Dagger

Okay, so maybe I intentionally miscounted the votes on last week’s Think Tank post, and maybe the majority of you wanted to give George and Fred those 2 million Galleons, but COME ON: look at the smile on Snape. Have you ever seen his greasy hair shine quite so joyfully? He NEEDED that craft room, you guys. And I’M NOT SORRY FOR GIVING IT TO HIM. And when you receive your hand-embossed invitation to Severus’ Christmas Costume Party, you won’t be sorry either. Now, let’s leave Snape to his crafting and turn our attention to the new crop of Phi Beta Daggers, who will each be receiving one piece of glitter, a tiny smudge of glue, and a 2010 Buggati coup, which they will be contractually obligated to re-gift unto me.

Alexius the Awsome

And now, our loud, proud CERTIFIABLE GENIUSES:
Lily Lou
Agent X
Real Alias

Next up, the death-defying DAGGER AWARDS:

The “Anybody Who Can Rhyme Those Words DEFINITELY Deserves An Award” Dagger Award is presented to mrs.draco416 for: I created an amazing poem involving chanukah, yatzee, and a brother named Klaus just to say the answer but the comment monster had a little snack. so my answer: dice.

The “Indeed I Did Miss You, You Crazy, Cosmic Kid” Dagger Award is presented to InsaneRunningKid for: As soon as Lockheart finished writing the riddle on the board in beautiful Chinese calligraphy (because we all know Lockheart is one-seventeen-and-a-halfth Mongolian), Hermione’s hand shot up. “It’s a mauled penguin in designer dress shoes!” she exclaimed. Unfortunately for Hermione, she was incorrect. Because the words “Hermione” and “was incorrect” are never ever allowed to be used in the same sentence (unless it’s “Hermione was incorrect when she answered the question incorrectly as she had been asked to, thus rendering her correct), a cosmic explosion occurred, rendering everyone within a two hundred millimeter range of Hermione’s mouth to paradisaical paroxysms. However, as Snape sat over twenty centimeters away from Hermione, he was unaffected. He furiously racked his brains (never liked that saying, people only have ONE brain, not multiple BRAINS), and yes, he had more than one, because he was a Siamese twin, he hit upon an idea. He had been playing Monopoly with some penguins in the Grand Central Zoo as a volunteer activity for the PORNO society (Penguins Own at Rolling iNanimate Objects), and recalled that the penguins had excelled in their dice rolling skillz (hence the society name). He leaped to his feet and yelled “it’s a thimble!!!” “Don’t be stupid,” said Fregeored (a combo of the twins), “it’s the smallish terrier!!! Die, you fool! Die Die Die!!!” Lockheart’s head snapped up, and he said triumphantly “you’re right! It IS a die!!!” Unfortunately, when his head snapped up, he got whiplash died. The End.

You know you missed me these past two weeks, Chelsea.

The “BAM on Behalf of All Secondary Characters” Dagger Award is presented to Alexius the Awsome: As Fred(who is a ghost) and George rack their brilliant ginger brains, Snape drops his head into his hands in aparent defeat. But, while the class snickers away as his incompitence, Snape mutters a curse so evil and ancient that, if I even attempted to type the name, would melt my computer into a puddle of radioactive goo. Suddenly the class began to feel drowzy and, one by one, the fell into an everlasting sleep from which they can only be awoken if the caster of the curse is killed.
With a wicked grin, Snape walks down the rows of sleeping students to the unconcious body of Lockheart. Snape then kicks lockheart in the face repeatedly and uses a sharpie to draw on a pair of spectacles and a curly ‘stache. Snape searches through Lockheart’s bag until he finds a piece of paper which has, written in oddly feminine writting, these words:
As snape ponders these words, Angelina Johnson, who was wearing her anti-primordial curse vest, leaps from her seat and shouts “WUAHAHAHAHA once again severus snape, you have underestimated the power of secongary characters!!!” And with that, she curses Snape into oblivion. As Snape dies a horrible death the class begins to wake, and Angelina goes to claim her two million galleon prize. She goes on to marry george weasley, becomes the greatest minister for magic who has every lived, and creates a utopian society which lasts until the end of time.

The “If Loving Your Answers Is Wrong, We Don’t Wanna Be Right” Dagger Award is presented to  flyergirl13, Nyx_of_Night, TAMM!E, shinyninja, and NarniaSparks for guessing a pirate, a much abused gnome cat toy, Criss Angel, and a rebellious, bad-buns Basilisk who often fights, and was turned into a rubber snake. Oh yeah, and it has black shoes on.

The “Modge-Podge Is Like Chicken Soup For The Scrapbooker’s Soul” Dagger Award is presented to emMCie for : Fred and George guess that the answer is a zit. Because they like gross things. Snape answers with a rotting corpse. Because he is slightly psychic.

However, Luna Lovegood pipes up that the answer is a die. Because she’s the only one able to think abstractly enough. She decides to use her newfound winnings and knowledge of potions to mass produce an anti-knargle plant spray. However, she lets Snape design the packaging. He uses lots of modge-podge, rainbows, and glitter.

The “Here’s The Pulitzer Prize, Dude. Use It Well.” Dagger Award is presented to beccas03 for: Fred and George collaborated while Snape thought so hard his face looked like he was about to explode, implode, and spontaneously combust all at the same time. “A piano…no” he shook his head; pianoes have three legs, not four. “And they don’t bounce. Unless they’re pushed down the stairs. Stairs are convenient. I like stairs…” Snape’s thoughts went on like this and he totally forgot the question.

Meanwhile, Fred and George had awesomer ideas ’cause they’re spiffs. “A deliquent cow?” suggested George as he stroked his invisible beard. “No, the answer’s nonliving, and cow’s have two eyes.” Fred answered, subconsciously stroking his glabellla. He didn’t know how or why, but he knew the answer was nonliving because a female voice spoke to him in his head saying “Y’all ain’t gettin’ NO HELP FROM ME this time around. Okay, okayyyy, I’ll give you one clue: the answer is an inanimate object. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?” Also, the smell of Cheez-Its and sweat mysteriously wafted past him while this strange lady voice was speaking, and he made it his life goal to find and forever love this woman.(lawlicanhassuckuppoints?)

George, his mind blank, began staring at the graffiti on the table. “RBW+HJG=3 4EVA” and underneath “Get back to work Ronald. Honestly.” To the left, “Call me… haha jk I don’t even know what a phone is lololol.” Below both, “DIEDIEDIE I haaaaate wrackspurts omg” with a scortch mark next to the words. He slowly sat up, his eyes wide, poked Fred on the nose and pointed at the last bit of writing. “Dude, it’s a die. Like a boardgame.” George said, and mimicked rolling one in his palm. Together, the boys yelled the answer to Lockhart, who’s face lit up. Snape’s jaw dropped, and he made sure to push a piano down some stairs and kill the two boys before he died. He sulked in his chair and held back tears as Gilderoy handed over the prize money to the twins, letting go of his dream of having the bestest and most envied craftroom EVAR. Seeing him, Fred and George silently agreed on something a simultaneously stood up and walked over the greasy haired-man’s table. With the sack of coins in his palm, Fred put out his hand and said “Here, mate, take the money. We have tons of it as we DO own the sexiest and most prosperous shop in the history of the universe. Wait, dimension. So here.” Snape was so taken aback his heart grew 3 sizes. However, his chest wasn’t ready for such a rapid expansion, so his body malfunctioned, and he exploded, imploded, and spontaneously combusted all at the same time. The two boys shrugged and gave the money to children in need. THE END

The “My Heart Just Broke Into One Million Pieces” Dagger Award is presented to crazyforanime17 for: Severus coolly walked up to the front of the classroom, with a swish of his cape turned around, flipped his greasy hair, and with a glare at Fred and George, he grabbed a Die from his man purse and tossed it in the air. “Its a die, you morons.”
Suddenly out of nowhere Lily Evans appeared and hugged him. “Oh Sev, you’re so smart! I’m going to come back from the dead, divorce James and marry you.”
Lily leaned in to kiss Severus as he thought “This is SO much better than 2 million Galleons.”
All of a sudden, he heard a noise. He awoke to see Fred and George throwing dungbombs everywhere. Snape let out a small whimper. “I-it was only a dream…”

The “HAHAHAHAAH *wheeze* HAHAHA” Dagger Award is presented to JuJukins for: Fred: Well, that’s obvious.

George: Yes, yes it is.

Gred and Forge: IT’S A DIE.


The “Mysticjadeshoe Liked Your Comment So Much That She Made A Masterpiece About It. Check Out The Art Gallery, Yo.” Dagger Award is presented to RabidWrackspurt for: Snape begins thinking, turning the matter over carefully in his mind. “Aha!” he exclaims. “I’ll roll for the answer!” Pulling out his GM manual, he rolls 2d10 to figure it out.
Meanwhile, Fred and George start staring intently at the small object in Snape’s hand. They confer hurriedly, and then race to the front of the classroom.
Here’s how the conversation went.
Fred: Oh, Professor?

Lockhart: Yes, dear boy? *grins cheesily* Would you like an autographed photograph for your scrapbook?

Fred: Er… ah, well, actually…

George: We’ve already got one. And we figured out the riddle.

Lockhart: Why, don’t dillydally, boys, out with it!

Fred: It happens to be a die.

George: One with six sides, you know-

Fred: Don’t tell the Dungeon Master. *nods toward Snape*
Lockhart faints from pure amazement at th twins’ riddle-solving prowess. They snatch his pocketbook and Gringotts key, emptying out his entire vault (which also contains five magical grilled cheese sandwiches and a hot dog) and use it to buy twenty new locations for their ever-growing joke shop. Lockhart doesn’t mind – he just signs a bunch of photographs and gets more money. He obtains his long-awaited appointment with Luminas Lystrata, who subsequently marries him because of his golden locks and winning smile. They live happily ever after at St. Mungo’s.

Snape keeps rolling, intent on discovering the answer. “Bother,” he grumbles after an hour or so. “It seems I must call in some backup.” He calls up his D&D buddies, who begin a massive roleplay that continues forever. They never figure out the answer, since they almost never use d6.

The “YAY FOR SNAPE!” Dagger Award is presented to SecretlyAWizard for: Our dear beloved Severus Snape thinks long and hard about the possible answer to this terrible conundrum. What could it be? He takes out a spare sheet of scrapbooking paper and begins to draw (drawing helps him think). He first tries to draw an actual cyclops, but decides that he cannot get the eye (or five tattoos) exactly right. And so he stops, and begins to draw dots (it was an artistic decision representing…stuff. Except not really. Snape just got frustrated). But anyway. When Snape is done with his super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot drawing (he knew all that time spent in the DRAWING ROOM would come in handy someday; his skillz rival even Draco Malfoy’s) he looks at it. And sees…the LIGHT. The light of wisdom and enlightenment, that it. His art has ended up looking like…a DIE!

“A die,” Severus cries out triumphantly, dreaming of his future scrapbooking closet of happiness, rainbows, and awesomeness. Oh the scrapbooks he’ll make with this money! Gilderoy Lockhart gets a shocked look on his face as he realizes that the answer Snape provided is so correct, it’s almost as if Snape had written it himself. The riddle, that is.

“Good heavens, you’re right!” Lockhart shouts. He leaves the room, quite forgetting that poor Severus was depending on the money. (Highlights ARE very important, after all).

Snape dashes after Lockhart. He needs that money! “You seem to have…forgotten something,” he states coldly as he catches up with Gilderoy.

“Oh dear, I am so very sorry. You’ll have to come with me for my appointment, though; the money is in my Gringott’s vault.” he apologizes. Severus readily agrees: he needs a different shade of black highlights to offset the black hair. And so they go to Luminas Lystrata and get their hair done. Snape then asks where his money is, and Lockhart takes him to his vault (which is decorated with pictures of himself).

“Here you go, Severus. Two million Galleons as promised.” He hands him a magically enhanced bag. Snape gladly takes the money and uses it to make the best scrapbooking room ever, but he has extra, so he decides to start a scrapbooking magazine and publishes many guides to making scrapbooks. It is thus that he becomes the most famous scrapbooker in the whole entire world (Muggle versions of everything are released) and Snape lives happily ever after.

The “Your Rhymes Get Better Every Week” Dagger Award is presented to rainfire113 for:
Though I love Snape, and think he is fine,

The Weasleys are perfect (and George is MINE!).

So with their heads together,

Their solution was better

And Lockhart should be pickled in brine.
George cried, “It’s a…” “DIE!!” finished Fred.

Snape was so sad, he went back to bed.

But he’s awesomer than Lockhart,

Who realized he was not smart,

And chose to be a rock star instead.
In closing, Fred and George get the cha-ching, and use it to fill Snape’s chambers to the brim with Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans….because that would be hilarious. If anyone gets the reference, then I will love you forever.  That is all.

The “DAMN, You’ve Got Me There.” Dagger Award is presented to readysetrosemary for: A polar bear in a blizzard? Oh wait. Wrong riddle. Eep.
This one is a toughy.
Ooh I know it, I know it! The answer is.. an inanimate object! You said so yourself, Chelsea, so you can’t argue. HA.

The “HA, Fred Called You OUT, Dude!” Dagger Award is presented to loonylovegood15 for: *thwacks George’s head* You dolt. How did you not get this one?
*turns to sparkitors* It’s a die, or dice.
Fred: You’re just angry because he threw hearts at Angelina.

Me: … (glares) you…what, exactly?

The “One Time I Sat Next To The Equator and I Sweated So Much That It Rained In The Sahara” Dagger Award is presented to cookielover24 for: Fred and George win. Because Snape is an ugly buttpoo who deserves to die. Which he did. Wait, but so did Fred. So how are they here? **MIND EXPLODES** So, at the scrapbooking class of epic mind-bogglyness which makes me feel like I’ve eaten too many churros, Snape is gripping his man-purse and sweating harder than Chelsea Dagger sitting next to the equator in the middle of August. In his twisted mind, he decides to kill Lockhart, then solve the riddle and take his appointment. He needs new highlights too. He pulls his wand out and is about to perform the killing curse on Lockhart (it’s well-deserved, really), when Fred spots him. He knows that they won’t get their money if Lockhart’s dead. He tells George really quick. They pull out their wants, point them at Snape, and yell, “DIE!” Lockhart then looks at them in astonishment. “By Jove, you’re right! Here’s your 2 million galleons!!” Fred and George don’t really know what happened, but they LURF the money and they skip away with it into the distance!! Snape cries in ball and hugs his man-purse. When the bell rings, people step on him on their way out. And *accidentally* kick him. And everyone (except him) lives happily ever after!!

The “I’ll Give You 10 Bucks If You Can Say That Sentence 5 Times In A Row Without Breathing Once” Dagger Award is presented to NightOwlGirl14: um, i’m gonna go with a die. like, singular-for-dice die, not snape-got-super-mad-because-he-just-wanted-to-paste-pictures-of-lily-e vans-(which he totally didn’t get because he was stalking her, or anything)-into-his-scrapbook-but-instead-this-idiotic-lockhart-came-an d-now-they’re-solving-riddles-and-he-JUST-CAN’T-FIGURE-IT-OU T-so-he-Adava-Kedavraed-everyone. cuz, you know, judging by the riddle, that would be quite the strange afterlife.

And finally, the glorious and emotionally gratifying GALLERY D’ART:

We had a damn good turnout this week, Sparklers! Make sure to check out tomorrow’s Think Tank post, and let’s see if we can get even more New Inductees and Certifiable Geniuses next time around!

Related post: Phi Beta Dagger Archives