We all know the signs of standard senioritis: you mentally check out after your college acceptance letter arrives. You start packing immediately, even though you have practically an entire semester left. Your homework is incomplete, and your afterschool activities go unattended.
But are you aware of advanced seniorisitis? In severe cases, high school seniors turn into real seniors—the wrinkly kind. The condition might not exist on WebMD, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Look for these warning signs:
* You sleep with your teeth in a cup next to your bed.
* You ditch class to lie on the couch in the senior lounge, wearing your favorite robe and watching “The Price is Right.”
* You ask your parents for sponge baths and demand that they wear nursing uniforms.
* Your ears get huge and hairy, and you can’t hear what anyone is saying.
* You complain about the escalating prices of soup, toothpaste, and milkshakes, and refer to what things cost when you were four years old. “I remember when you could get a large shamrock shake on the dollar menu!” you scream to your cafeteria lady.
* You demand that your friends call you Babz, Eleanor, or Harold. You tell strangers at the mall that they should respect their elders and call you “Missus” or “Mister.”
* A hot Friday night involves the home shopping network, a heating pad, and sugar-free jello.
* You wear your hair in curlers or under a babushka, or you buzz it off in order to look like the Six Flags Dancing Grandpa.
* You see if you can find that Six Flag Dancing Grandpa’s phone number for a little date at the senior center.
* You constantly talk about the lack of respect from today’s youth while you openly pass gas in restaurants.
* You call Pierce Brosnon a “pretty young thing” and hang up his picture in your locker next to your photos of Sean Connery.
* Your lips get smaller.
* You start a bingo league with the group you already play bridge with, and make lemon squares for the daylong tournaments.
* You can’t drive your car over 14 miles per hour, and have forgotten how to reverse.
* You begin to walk so slowly you cause traffic jams in the hallway, and people suggest wheeling you in a cart during passing period.
* Instead of giving your friends fun birthday presents, you give them cards meant for someone in 2nd grade.