Driver’s ed isn’t just a place for memorizing roadsigns and mastering signals. It’s also a People Zoo. The observant and witty GoingBananasexplains.—Sparknotes editors
You really shouldn’t label people before you get to know them, but how can you not!? It’s so much fun! Here’s who you will meet in drivers ed:
Future Car: A super-fly red sports car
Description: This may be the most obnoxious person in the class. He will walk in wearing his letterman jacket and then sit in the front of the room shouting stupid comments that make no sense. He may also use this opportunity to brag about his lame high school achievements and tell everyone about all the parties he has been to.
Future Car: A white van
Description: This person will sit in the top left or top right corner of the class room. She will be in all black and she will probably have at least three visible tattoos, with many more tattoos hidden beneath her trench coat. Don’t look at her; this will only make things worse. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
The Best Friends
Future Car: Matching slug bugs!
Description: OMG! These two have been best friends since, like, forever! They can be seen laughing all the time! Even when you are watching a bloody movie about the effects of DUI, they will find an inside joke to laugh about. And they have a million and one inside jokes because they do everything together, including driving! This will become a major problem once they realize that only one person can drive at a time. I sense an epic fight coming on…
The Shy Guy
Future Car: A stealth car known for its ability to be invisible. It looks rather strange while being driven, though…
Description: There is not much to be said about this person that has not already been said in the label. He will sit silently in the middle of the classroom. This poor guy is absolutely petrified of public speaking. Don’t talk to him; he will erupt into tears. Just kindly offer him your invisibility cloak.
The Kiss Up
Future Car: The same car your teacher has
Description: You may have the worst driving instructor ever, but after class, the Kiss Up will say how great he is. This person may also be referred to as “Notes-taker.” She takes notes at the speed of Edward Cullen, but, luckily, she has nothing else in common with him…that we know of. She is even found taking notes when there is nothing to take notes on. She will be the only one who passes drivers ed with a 105% or above, which just baffles me. (There’s no extra credit in drivers ed!)
Future Car: A safe vehicle with all the durability of a tank (he wishes!)
Description: Your instructor is probably a high school dropout who has absolutely no right to be teaching drivers ed, which will soon become clear by the many, many stories he tells about his mistakes on the road. Or he might be working seventeen different jobs because of this economy, and drivers ed instructor is one of them. Or maybe he is a superhero in disguise and this just happens to be his cover! The possibilities are endless! Whatever the case may be, he wants to be there even less than you do. Even kiss ups can’t brighten his day.
Now that you know what you’re dealing with, you’ll be better equipped to share moments watching movies such as Highways of Agony, and bond over whether or not you failed the driving test. You may even find out something surprising—like The Criminal is obsessed with rainbows and ponies. But that doesn’t mean her demonic tats aren’t terrifying…