Recently, a couple of muggers who attempted to rob a high school student got more than they bargained for when their would-be victim came after them with her drum majorette’s baton. We at SparkNotes don’t advocate any form of violence, but we fully support the impulse for self-defense. In addition to the band geek, here are some equally challenging targets you might want to emulate as you ward off any potential threats.
Varsity Hockey Goalie. With a low center of gravity and a grill like a piano keyboard, you present an intimidating prospect. Keep your skates slung over your shoulder with the blade guards off at all times and there’s not an alley in the city you need to fear.
Popular Kid. Safety in numbers, duh.
Orchestra Nerd. Sure, schlepping that string bass back and forth from school has done amazing things for your upper body strength. But if you start carrying an empty case instead, your attacker will never need to know until he finds the lid being latched on top of him. Ever try to open one of those from the inside? We also recommend switching to a case with wheels for ease in transporting your would-be attacker to the police station.
The Debate Star. Muggers aren’t usually patient people; they just want to get your dough and get out. But debaters are used to working against the clock, so you should be able to lay out an airtight, three-point argument against robbing you in a matter of seconds.
The Mathlete. Ever seen a real pro swing that square-root symbol around? Those things is pointy! Just sport a utility belt that prominently displays your compass, slide rule, and protractor.
Post your own ideas for scholarly self-defense in the comments.